ashokan farewell

i've been in a very solemn mood lately. this song surfaced among my pile of music and i can't stop playing it...

it's nice when your circumstances sort of determine your next step for you. i think i always have a responsibility to make choices in my life, but sometimes the next step or movement (reaching out) just seems so obvious. I'm moving inward a bit. which is odd given my constant disdain and frustration with what seems to be a habitual self-focused orientation. but it's not really that...it's more about knowing that i am than knowing i am good or noticed or attended to. just that i am here, whether i feel good or bad or lonely or giddy or lost or completely found...i can always know that i'm here.

today at coa i missed phoung. i feel such guilt despite all my efforts not to feel that way. i don't go so often anymore...i say school's picked up...but really, i'm just out late with friends and 6am's a little too early. but i never regret it when i do go. not once.
today there was one man who, when i plopped a ridiculous amount of eggs (we had lots left and it was almost 8) and 4 sausages on his plate, his eyes became enormously round. about 20 minutes later he walked up to the food line and said "i owe you guys an apology". i was taken back but just listened as he continued. he told me about how on the way here he was so hungry and he almost didn't come because he just knew he was going to be served a pathetic little bowl of bland oatmeal (not uncommon), and then he came, and now he can't even finish all the food he has. He said it was God's sense of humor. I just smiled and said you're welcome. Which felt weird, because i'm not the one that determines what's given or how much...but it still felt like the only thing to say really.

at church last sunday we were talking about blessings and the good life and the things we would have or the circumstances that would be in place if we were to consider ourselves living the good life. both the things we think are good and the things we know we expect but maybe shouldn't... As we were going around the circle I was hit pretty hard thinking about some of the people living out on the increasingly colder streets...sometimes the blessings they get and are so grateful for are nothing more than a hot cup of coffee, some eggs and the pizza crusts we had donated. i'm left humbled.

God bless Phoung and Will, wherever they are.

home

this summer as a part of the internship we did a life-map. i came across mine the other day and laughed out loud because i had an identical moment of realization to the one i had when i first made this map. first, that I cannot predict my future, and secondly that i have no real ability to construct a permanently accurate picture of who i think i am.

When Kira explained the activity she stressed the fact that we were all pretty young...so our maps really shouldn't have even take up half of the page we had. I had 4 icons on mine, representing major events and locations in my life. A minivan (car accident), a pirate's hat (highschool), a greek amphitheater (PLNU), and the 405 freeway sign (the past year +). When i first made this I was shocked at the discrepancy between how I had recently been summarizing all of the important things in my life and the actual span of all the things that have made me who i am. Not to get too wrapped up in self-psychology and the narcissistic trends of today's culture...but in an effort to know myself...it was relieving to realize that I'm more than the past year's struggles/changes/hard lessons. AND to realize...i'm young!!! Not only is there more in the past that I tend to neglect...but PRAISE GOD there is a future that I do not know! I remember talking to lauren laforge (my world-traveling friend who among other adventures did semester at sea) about the Pacific Ocean. A few years ago, we were on campus at loma...staring at the water, and I was overwhelmed by the magnificence and massiveness of the ocean. Of course she contributed her greater understanding by telling me about her trip from the coast of california to vietnam...so i was further baffled by the distance beyond the horizon that i could not comprehend...and then i realized...i can only see the top!!!! That's how i feel about life right now.
i'll probably laugh yet again one day when I look back on Long Beach and grad school days. maybe i'll still be here, maybe I won't...but I can look back and know that God is good. and I don't have to know what's next...because I know God is good...and the road is beautiful...and the path is my home. and while I've had many homes and relationships change and concrete markers of my own identity come and go...I am a daughter, and a sister, and a friend...and I am part of the body of Christ. And that is good. and I can rest and be still in that.

this very simple, beautiful song often gets stuck in my head...

I've been searching and finding, there's nothing but searching, searching for something to fill...
And in all of my finding, I'm finding there's someone, who loves me to sit and be still.

I'm in love with a savior, who saves me to love me, and loves me to stay by His side.
And I love to sing all the songs of His goodness, I'll sing them the rest of my life.

I love how you know me, I love how you hold me...I love how you set me free.
I love your love. I love your love.

discriminate love.

We just finished going through the book of Jonah at church. A few weeks were spent on God the rescuer...and God's merciful nature. A God who, if an evil nation repents and turns from their ways, will relent of the destruction that was intended for it. Yesterday's sermon focused on Jonah's attitude toward them. He didn't want God's mercy to be given to them, he wanted God's justice.

So we talked about our attitudes--whether we desire compassion and mercy to be poured out on all people, or if we are a little bit glad when an evil person finally gets what they deserve. But beyond the head (my attitude and thoughts about who deserves what), I'm convicted of my behavior. I want to help the poor. and in all honestly...unless I have a personal relationship with someone who happens to have money...my general attitude toward the rich is not very compassionate. I could justify this with the idea that they don't need help...they're self-sufficient so why would I waste my energy caring or finding out what their needs are? But there's less truth in that and more truth in the fact that I'm just not drawn to them or moved to care about them because I'm a little bit calloused and jaded.

Some of my early daydreams when I realized I wanted to be a psychologist set me in an office in La Jolla, wearing a tailored suit, charging $200/hr. Now I'm not sure I'm going to have clients who pay me. I'm pretty sure my checks will come from the government or some other obscure funding source. Speaking of La Jolla, the newspaper for a few days last week highlighted the landslide/sinkhole on Mt. Soledad Drive. multiple homes were completely lost, and peoples lives dramatically affected. and my response? "it's not like they don't have the money to rebuild." yep. cold-hearted. I used to babysit for 2 different families on that street. Rich young couples that I suddenly care less about because they have money???

Why didn't Jesus hang out with the rich like he did the poor? He told the rich to give away all they had and follow him. But does this justify my insensitivity? How did he treat the tax collectors? When I see a man in a suit I offer little more than a quick, courteous smile. But when I see someone in dirty clothes wandering the streets, my heart aches and I begin to pray. I KNOW the rich guy's got problems. Maybe he's got food to eat, but is he known and loved?? His problems are less obvious, but still real. Which demographic am I supposed to care about as a Christian? I'm pretty sure the answer is to love my neighbors. all of them.

Lord teach me to love indiscriminately. to value my brothers and sisters and to be the neighbor you've called me to be, instead of thinking I need to save up my energy by selectively choosing my neighbors...choosing who I deem worthy enough of my limited supply of love...let your everlasting love be given through me. Thank you for pouring out your grace and mercy so lavishly on all your children.

amen.

will the mountaineer

As I was mixin grits wednesday morning scott came down the stairs and into the kitchen shouting out, "hey your friend's here". I've never seen Will look so put together. His goatee was trimmed, clean clothes. sober. I got to talk to him for about half an hour and we covered everything from the guy that walked up to him a few weeks ago and said "you don't belong in the sun, come live with me in my house" (PRAISE GOD!) to his family, to horticulture at LBCC, to San Jacinto's summit at sunrise. it was great to spend time with a friend, who is "finally out of the nightmare" that he'd been in for 2 years. Thank you Jesus.

a city of relationships

funny that i've been reading articles all day (seriously since 9am to 9pm) about empathy and prosocial action...and at the same time I can look back over this single day and see the manifestations of this working in my life. I love it when my tedious research comes to life and gets me all jazzed about people. it's a little nerdy...but wonderfully rich and good.
I bumped into Will again today. He came to COA a long time ago pretty consistently and then just stopped. Susie and I have seen him over on 7th and pch, I saw him on 2nd street with my mom, and I had a very short conversation in the middle of an intersection by my house today as I rode to school. I've never met someone who so blatantly and hopelessly describes his life as a nightmare...and believed them. I invited him to come wednesday...he said he would. I've been talking to a mentor/friend lately about how this fellowship has affected the way I see the city. My response was very honestly, "I don't know how I see the city, but I know have relationships within it." Previous experiences with people who are homeless in a different city were very different. I was "friends" with a woman named Donna. What this meant is that I knew her name, maybe she'd remember mine for a week, and we'd have a little more than the standard "hello" interaction. and to be truthful, for that year, and maybe even now, it was more about my ego than loving her. I walked those same streets not that long ago and felt no connection to the people I passed on the street. I walked past probably 20 different people in sleeping bags and blankets in that same city...and I was sad that homelessness exists in the world, but I didn't even really feel much when Donna passed me and we had a quick exchange. I don't think she recognized or remembered me really, but was just surprised that someone knew her name. And then I thought about Phoung. I was suddenly moved to tears at the thought of my friend from Long Beach having to sleep on the streets. And it clicked inside. I don't go to COA at 6am when I'm exhausted because it's the right thing to do or someone's watching or so I can write about it on a blog or tell about it in church. Phoung's there. I hope and pray that Will's there. I want to see my friends if only for an hour...not because I think I can fix their problems with some food, but to let them know I care. I don't have much to offer...I don't know how to fix things for them or take them out of their nightmare, but I hope they feel noticed and loved and accepted and wanted. And without those relationships, I might as well be there for court ordered community service for a few weeks tops.
I care about a group of students downtown not because it's my duty to pray for a new nonprofit at my church, but because I know it's my friend's first day running this thing. and because he's my friend I want it to go well. and i want the relationships he builds to be formative and redeeming for the kids that are there.
I'm not sure how God's changing this city...but I know that my life is intertwined in a beautiful mess of relationships...and I have faith that those relationships are slowly changing the way that I live...
When asked "why have relationships with these people? what does that have to do with the kingdom of God at large?" my friend answered, "because by being in relationships with these people, I'm doing exactly the opposite of what today's culture says I should be doing with my time."
there's a long conversation in that alone, and I agree with that statement. I want to be compelling and different and counter cultural and when that's noticed--whether it's who I'm friends with, what I'm eating, what I'm driving or not driving, or where my time and money is spent, I want to be able to answer, at any given time when asked "why do you do that?" --"because I'm a Christian". too often I talk about social responsibility or environmentalism or simply say "i'm a volunteer". but that's not true. and merely "being counter cultural" isn't complete either. I love and serve a wonderful God, and I want to share that. I don't just want to give a hungry person food...I want them to realize that I care and be able to share why. Evangelism and compassion...I've seen that either can be empty practices. God teach us to keep these together.

praise God when I'm wrong

So i've been missing my scheduled meetings at hillcrest a lot lately. I went while my mom visited...but labor day, a trip to see a friend and a broken car have caused me to miss about 4 in a row. I felt like a jerk Monday when I dialed the phone to let them know my car was in the shop. Lordes quickly told me they were going to San Clemente anyways and wouldn't be there. (big sigh of relief)...and then proceeded to ask how Susie, and Abigail, and Richie were...and to tell them that they are missed. and then she said that she loves us all. I guess some people don't love conditionally like I'm afraid they do. I wonder how much of that assumption exists in my mind because that's true of how I operate? Being loved like that, when there's no fear...of rejection, or disappointment, or failure...man that's empowering. It makes me want to be there everyday. quite the change from my recent attitude of obligation. THEN, at COA Han followed Susie out to her car because he "needed to talk to her". She was a little suspicious (he's made a few comments over the past few months). But despite her caution as to his approach, she let him walk her to her car...and he asked how I was...he thought I looked distressed about the whole car thing and wanted to know if there was any way he could help. I share Susie's perspective only because I thought the same things. even as she began the story I was worried with her, only to be blown away, and truly touched by his absolutely selfless concern. Jesus, take away our fears that lead to assumptions. There's this great section in a Nouwen book that explains the term Namaste...the holy one in me recognizes the holy one in you. Let this be true in our lives. I want to know what it means to look at Han and see Jesus.

living for the sake of next week's blog material?

The fellowship's over. My obligation to these non profits is over...but praise God I've built relationships at Hillcrest and COA that will continue. But with the ending of the fellowship, I still have this blog...once a tool to inform my community about the work being done in their city through their church...now, my fear is that this is just another myspace. but instead of pretty pictures of myself and lists of attractive qualities and songs and movies that somehow create a profile of me to advertise to the world (insert sarcasm)...instead...I have stories. God please do not let the things shared here be a form of advertisement for myself. I pray that I would not use the people whose lives are unknowingly shared here as tools toward building my reputation or prestige. Keep me honest and humble Lord. Use the things shared here for greater purposes than my limited mind can even conceive. In all actions, all things I say, all things I think, let me first ask "does this bring love into the world?" "does my response to this person, my sharing of this story, or even my random thoughts create a community of love?" where friends, family and those reading this are spurred toward a life after Christ. I pray that they might join me in prayer, that they might share in the suffering that exists in this city, that we might all become more like you. and I thank you that that is a journey we are called to walk through together in love.

amen.