this summer as a part of the internship we did a life-map. i came across mine the other day and laughed out loud because i had an identical moment of realization to the one i had when i first made this map. first, that I cannot predict my future, and secondly that i have no real ability to construct a permanently accurate picture of who i think i am.
When Kira explained the activity she stressed the fact that we were all pretty young...so our maps really shouldn't have even take up half of the page we had. I had 4 icons on mine, representing major events and locations in my life. A minivan (car accident), a pirate's hat (highschool), a greek amphitheater (PLNU), and the 405 freeway sign (the past year +). When i first made this I was shocked at the discrepancy between how I had recently been summarizing all of the important things in my life and the actual span of all the things that have made me who i am. Not to get too wrapped up in self-psychology and the narcissistic trends of today's culture...but in an effort to know myself...it was relieving to realize that I'm more than the past year's struggles/changes/hard lessons. AND to realize...i'm young!!! Not only is there more in the past that I tend to neglect...but PRAISE GOD there is a future that I do not know! I remember talking to lauren laforge (my world-traveling friend who among other adventures did semester at sea) about the Pacific Ocean. A few years ago, we were on campus at loma...staring at the water, and I was overwhelmed by the magnificence and massiveness of the ocean. Of course she contributed her greater understanding by telling me about her trip from the coast of california to vietnam...so i was further baffled by the distance beyond the horizon that i could not comprehend...and then i realized...i can only see the top!!!! That's how i feel about life right now.
i'll probably laugh yet again one day when I look back on Long Beach and grad school days. maybe i'll still be here, maybe I won't...but I can look back and know that God is good. and I don't have to know what's next...because I know God is good...and the road is beautiful...and the path is my home. and while I've had many homes and relationships change and concrete markers of my own identity come and go...I am a daughter, and a sister, and a friend...and I am part of the body of Christ. And that is good. and I can rest and be still in that.
this very simple, beautiful song often gets stuck in my head...
I've been searching and finding, there's nothing but searching, searching for something to fill...
And in all of my finding, I'm finding there's someone, who loves me to sit and be still.
I'm in love with a savior, who saves me to love me, and loves me to stay by His side.
And I love to sing all the songs of His goodness, I'll sing them the rest of my life.
I love how you know me, I love how you hold me...I love how you set me free.
I love your love. I love your love.