Tuesday, September 9, 2008

the times they are a'changin.

I'm facing a few changes in the next week...and lately i guess in general. and find myself in a place i often find myself in the midst of changes...somewhat of an identity crisis. although this time, compared to the past at least, i don't feel at all in crisis...just reflective and maybe cautious. what do new possessions, new homes/places, new roommates, new people and relationships mean? or more specifically, who am i as a result? questions i'm continuing to ask and hopefully being honest with myself about...search me and know me God...and maybe clue me in if you can.

In other news...on a short cruise down pch tonight with my beloved roommate i was encouraged to continue to challenge what seems normal. i've been frustrated lately that what's become routine has possibly lost significance or its ability to engage and impact me because it's become routine...but not because it's become less. being accessible to those around me (to God around me) is a recently resurrected idea. hmmm, so pete and i play music at hillcrest...and i remember the first time we rehearsed together i was on this crazy high...it felt like the first time in forever that i was free to just jam. i love playing concerto's but somehow there's much less freedom in bach's 3rd than a spontaneous rendition of Hey Jude for me. but after a few months of this...it's become a little normal...and has since lost a bit of it's glamour...until a new patient starts singing along and visibly enjoying it. then i get another hit of satisfaction. WOW....why the hell am i doing this? MY SATISFACTION!? ew that's gross. I HATE MY NARCISISSM!!!!!!! Lord I am so human it's disgusting.

Thank you for loving us. I have no idea how you do, but i'm confident of that truth. Thank you for the times that I am rewarded with a smile or a thank you or a moment of encouragement, but PLEASE open my eyes to my tendency to look for personal satisfaction and fulfillment in the work you've called me to and my selfish manipulation of a good thing. Open my eyes to the corners (or chambers) of my heart that i would rather not see. to broken relationships that i would rather ignore, to decisions that i would rather close my eyes and make quickly, to painstaking truths that i would like to see through rosecolored lenses. thank you for people in my life who very evidently live close to you and earnestly seek truth...and want to bring others to that place.

thank for love that i do not deserve.