discriminate love.

We just finished going through the book of Jonah at church. A few weeks were spent on God the rescuer...and God's merciful nature. A God who, if an evil nation repents and turns from their ways, will relent of the destruction that was intended for it. Yesterday's sermon focused on Jonah's attitude toward them. He didn't want God's mercy to be given to them, he wanted God's justice.

So we talked about our attitudes--whether we desire compassion and mercy to be poured out on all people, or if we are a little bit glad when an evil person finally gets what they deserve. But beyond the head (my attitude and thoughts about who deserves what), I'm convicted of my behavior. I want to help the poor. and in all honestly...unless I have a personal relationship with someone who happens to have money...my general attitude toward the rich is not very compassionate. I could justify this with the idea that they don't need help...they're self-sufficient so why would I waste my energy caring or finding out what their needs are? But there's less truth in that and more truth in the fact that I'm just not drawn to them or moved to care about them because I'm a little bit calloused and jaded.

Some of my early daydreams when I realized I wanted to be a psychologist set me in an office in La Jolla, wearing a tailored suit, charging $200/hr. Now I'm not sure I'm going to have clients who pay me. I'm pretty sure my checks will come from the government or some other obscure funding source. Speaking of La Jolla, the newspaper for a few days last week highlighted the landslide/sinkhole on Mt. Soledad Drive. multiple homes were completely lost, and peoples lives dramatically affected. and my response? "it's not like they don't have the money to rebuild." yep. cold-hearted. I used to babysit for 2 different families on that street. Rich young couples that I suddenly care less about because they have money???

Why didn't Jesus hang out with the rich like he did the poor? He told the rich to give away all they had and follow him. But does this justify my insensitivity? How did he treat the tax collectors? When I see a man in a suit I offer little more than a quick, courteous smile. But when I see someone in dirty clothes wandering the streets, my heart aches and I begin to pray. I KNOW the rich guy's got problems. Maybe he's got food to eat, but is he known and loved?? His problems are less obvious, but still real. Which demographic am I supposed to care about as a Christian? I'm pretty sure the answer is to love my neighbors. all of them.

Lord teach me to love indiscriminately. to value my brothers and sisters and to be the neighbor you've called me to be, instead of thinking I need to save up my energy by selectively choosing my neighbors...choosing who I deem worthy enough of my limited supply of love...let your everlasting love be given through me. Thank you for pouring out your grace and mercy so lavishly on all your children.

amen.

will the mountaineer

As I was mixin grits wednesday morning scott came down the stairs and into the kitchen shouting out, "hey your friend's here". I've never seen Will look so put together. His goatee was trimmed, clean clothes. sober. I got to talk to him for about half an hour and we covered everything from the guy that walked up to him a few weeks ago and said "you don't belong in the sun, come live with me in my house" (PRAISE GOD!) to his family, to horticulture at LBCC, to San Jacinto's summit at sunrise. it was great to spend time with a friend, who is "finally out of the nightmare" that he'd been in for 2 years. Thank you Jesus.

a city of relationships

funny that i've been reading articles all day (seriously since 9am to 9pm) about empathy and prosocial action...and at the same time I can look back over this single day and see the manifestations of this working in my life. I love it when my tedious research comes to life and gets me all jazzed about people. it's a little nerdy...but wonderfully rich and good.
I bumped into Will again today. He came to COA a long time ago pretty consistently and then just stopped. Susie and I have seen him over on 7th and pch, I saw him on 2nd street with my mom, and I had a very short conversation in the middle of an intersection by my house today as I rode to school. I've never met someone who so blatantly and hopelessly describes his life as a nightmare...and believed them. I invited him to come wednesday...he said he would. I've been talking to a mentor/friend lately about how this fellowship has affected the way I see the city. My response was very honestly, "I don't know how I see the city, but I know have relationships within it." Previous experiences with people who are homeless in a different city were very different. I was "friends" with a woman named Donna. What this meant is that I knew her name, maybe she'd remember mine for a week, and we'd have a little more than the standard "hello" interaction. and to be truthful, for that year, and maybe even now, it was more about my ego than loving her. I walked those same streets not that long ago and felt no connection to the people I passed on the street. I walked past probably 20 different people in sleeping bags and blankets in that same city...and I was sad that homelessness exists in the world, but I didn't even really feel much when Donna passed me and we had a quick exchange. I don't think she recognized or remembered me really, but was just surprised that someone knew her name. And then I thought about Phoung. I was suddenly moved to tears at the thought of my friend from Long Beach having to sleep on the streets. And it clicked inside. I don't go to COA at 6am when I'm exhausted because it's the right thing to do or someone's watching or so I can write about it on a blog or tell about it in church. Phoung's there. I hope and pray that Will's there. I want to see my friends if only for an hour...not because I think I can fix their problems with some food, but to let them know I care. I don't have much to offer...I don't know how to fix things for them or take them out of their nightmare, but I hope they feel noticed and loved and accepted and wanted. And without those relationships, I might as well be there for court ordered community service for a few weeks tops.
I care about a group of students downtown not because it's my duty to pray for a new nonprofit at my church, but because I know it's my friend's first day running this thing. and because he's my friend I want it to go well. and i want the relationships he builds to be formative and redeeming for the kids that are there.
I'm not sure how God's changing this city...but I know that my life is intertwined in a beautiful mess of relationships...and I have faith that those relationships are slowly changing the way that I live...
When asked "why have relationships with these people? what does that have to do with the kingdom of God at large?" my friend answered, "because by being in relationships with these people, I'm doing exactly the opposite of what today's culture says I should be doing with my time."
there's a long conversation in that alone, and I agree with that statement. I want to be compelling and different and counter cultural and when that's noticed--whether it's who I'm friends with, what I'm eating, what I'm driving or not driving, or where my time and money is spent, I want to be able to answer, at any given time when asked "why do you do that?" --"because I'm a Christian". too often I talk about social responsibility or environmentalism or simply say "i'm a volunteer". but that's not true. and merely "being counter cultural" isn't complete either. I love and serve a wonderful God, and I want to share that. I don't just want to give a hungry person food...I want them to realize that I care and be able to share why. Evangelism and compassion...I've seen that either can be empty practices. God teach us to keep these together.

praise God when I'm wrong

So i've been missing my scheduled meetings at hillcrest a lot lately. I went while my mom visited...but labor day, a trip to see a friend and a broken car have caused me to miss about 4 in a row. I felt like a jerk Monday when I dialed the phone to let them know my car was in the shop. Lordes quickly told me they were going to San Clemente anyways and wouldn't be there. (big sigh of relief)...and then proceeded to ask how Susie, and Abigail, and Richie were...and to tell them that they are missed. and then she said that she loves us all. I guess some people don't love conditionally like I'm afraid they do. I wonder how much of that assumption exists in my mind because that's true of how I operate? Being loved like that, when there's no fear...of rejection, or disappointment, or failure...man that's empowering. It makes me want to be there everyday. quite the change from my recent attitude of obligation. THEN, at COA Han followed Susie out to her car because he "needed to talk to her". She was a little suspicious (he's made a few comments over the past few months). But despite her caution as to his approach, she let him walk her to her car...and he asked how I was...he thought I looked distressed about the whole car thing and wanted to know if there was any way he could help. I share Susie's perspective only because I thought the same things. even as she began the story I was worried with her, only to be blown away, and truly touched by his absolutely selfless concern. Jesus, take away our fears that lead to assumptions. There's this great section in a Nouwen book that explains the term Namaste...the holy one in me recognizes the holy one in you. Let this be true in our lives. I want to know what it means to look at Han and see Jesus.

living for the sake of next week's blog material?

The fellowship's over. My obligation to these non profits is over...but praise God I've built relationships at Hillcrest and COA that will continue. But with the ending of the fellowship, I still have this blog...once a tool to inform my community about the work being done in their city through their church...now, my fear is that this is just another myspace. but instead of pretty pictures of myself and lists of attractive qualities and songs and movies that somehow create a profile of me to advertise to the world (insert sarcasm)...instead...I have stories. God please do not let the things shared here be a form of advertisement for myself. I pray that I would not use the people whose lives are unknowingly shared here as tools toward building my reputation or prestige. Keep me honest and humble Lord. Use the things shared here for greater purposes than my limited mind can even conceive. In all actions, all things I say, all things I think, let me first ask "does this bring love into the world?" "does my response to this person, my sharing of this story, or even my random thoughts create a community of love?" where friends, family and those reading this are spurred toward a life after Christ. I pray that they might join me in prayer, that they might share in the suffering that exists in this city, that we might all become more like you. and I thank you that that is a journey we are called to walk through together in love.

amen.

my socks loved off.

a few days ago...after a LONG night at work (I'm a waitress) I slept in past my alarm and got to coa an hr late. and I'm so glad i didn't roll over and decide to just skip. Poung is so freakin loving. constantly tellin me to have a good day. each day. Poung is vietnamese, gender unknown...and that's okay. and constantly encourages me to get more sleep. take care of myself. "be happy and have good day. you have good day today, tomorrow and i see you wednesday. all week have good day." and means it. really really means it. and cares about each individual day that i'm going to wake up to. He/she also has a very diligent desire to learn the English language...so I spell words on one of many napkins Poung has saved in a shirt pocket and even spell my own name wrong so that the phonetics I know Poung's relying on won't be confused by my very not phonetically spelled name. I just can't imaging being in that place in life and having the energy and heart to wish a wonderful day of rest on someone who I know had a bed to sleep on last night...while I slept on concrete. I'm much too self-centered to be concerned about someone who's better off than me.
Oh lay me down again/here at your feet/show me how much you love humility/oh spirit be the one that leads me to/the humble heart of love I see in you/you are the God of the broken/friend of the weak/you wash the feet of the weary/defend the ones in need/I want to be like you Jesus/to have this heart in me/you are the God of the humble/you are the humble king.
There was a man at COA on Monday who was out of it. said he was groggy from sleeping pills. looked lost, needed lots of assistance just to sit down in a chair. i felt compelled...my heart was pulled towards his...even if only to pull his chair out for him and set down the hot cup of coffee. I turned back towards the food line after getting him situated and Susie had tears in her eyes (i love that girl's heart). She was right there in her heart with that man as he struggled. A few days later she was in San Diego with me visiting some of my college girlfriends and we were in Pacific Beach as a man in a wheel chair shuffled himself with his feet and limited arm strength across a street and up a sidewalk ramp...something we probably wouldn't have noticed so plainly a few months ago. I couldn't pinpoint his nationality, his age, socioeconomic status, or the mental disorder I'm pretty sure he has, but regardless, he was a man who was obviously physically struggling to make it up this curb...and from my car we watched him battle against his own limitations, the strain on his face and the second by second push that seemed at any second was just an instant away from failing and would sending him rolling backwards into a busy intersection. right at the point of greatest struggle this white, middle aged businessman was headed towards him from the other side of the street...and as he approached this man and the street corner..he just walked right on by. almost had to walk around the man in the wheelchair to make it to the same corner to stand next to the him and wait for about 3 minutes to wait for the next pedestrian signal. and so the two stood /sat next to each other while the lights changed. and I yelled inside the soundp roof (i hope) doors and windows of my car. I was angry at this man. This priest, this pharisee, who just passed the bloodied, bleeding man by in the ditch. careful not to dirty his holy robe on the pain and sweat and struggle of a man in need. I think of Bill at mid-city and the hugs I would give him, and the way I often had to hold my breath through the smell of those hugs..and the nagging knowledge that the smells were now passed onto me for the next few hours...I'M SUCH A BRAT. God let me be inconvenienced. let me enter into the dirty, painful, messy lives of those around me and see the Christ in them. Let me recognize and acknowledge our shared humanity and move forward from there to ask not "who is my neighbor", but instead try to understand how to be the neighbor.

"faith in action"

this was the title of our WOW summer sunday school class this morning. Keslie, JoAnne and I took 15 5th graders to Hillcrest to give out door hangers we made and to sing songs with hand motions and pretty weird "kidstown" theology actually...
Anyway, I feel like my "continuing team" component of this internship has been kinda touch and go. The idea is for us to not just have a summer of gospel living and leave and go back to normal life later with this memory of a summer one time...but to both let that integrate into the daily fabric of my own life and to intentionally (in addition to coincidentally in my existing relationships) create a continuing team. My chosen team was "kids". this proved challenging. 2nd graders didn't get why we made cookies for the Cambodian congregation last week, they just want to eat the dang cookies. and even if Scott and Robert from COA came in person to explain their stories and church, sometimes I wonder if the kids just bring bags of donations because a flyer got sent home and mom and dad cleaned a closet out. Hopefully there are conversations happening at home as well...I'm pretty positive they are.
But today I feel like it sank in. We had all 5th graders...and they had fun making the door-hangers and singing the songs in the class. And then we drove to Hillcrest. I explained why these patients were here...that we needed to be quiet but we could be cheerful...teacher-ly things mostly. ~~I remember the first time i went to a convalescent hospital as a kid. I was freaked out. I didn't know what the smells were, why that lady kept squawking...truly squawking. why everyone looked so sad and depressed. and i knew it was a place i didn't want to stay at for any longer than I had to.~~ Today I watched kids goof off and play at church and then all this sudden become silent and scared and need to be prompted to say you're welcome when that woman in the robotic bed said thank you or told the little girls they looked pretty... But when we sang they came a little more alive. and when one man who was a little off his rocker (aren't we all) asked if he could sing to us and sang an old Sinatra tune they all applauded and relaxed a little and said thank you to him...and said hi to Anita and Ron, some of the MS patients I work with during the week. It was awesome to see that shift. To know that the past few months of prayers and planning and intentions to not just do something good but to change these kids' awareness and their attitudes to the marginalized of society was actually resulting in something. Instead of being taught to avoid people who look and smell weird and to not talk to strangers and never give money to the guy on the street corner, they're eyes are being opened just a little at a time...and I was privileged to witness that outbreaking of the kingdom today. Thank you Jesus.
I'm also realizing the significance of relationships in these moments. I think random acts of kindness can be a breath of fresh air for some of these patients and the workers there...but the relationship our church has, and that i have through working there twice a week is what made today possible. I even feel weird knowing I taught a sunday school class today and I honestly won't remember any of those kids names...it was a one time thing...and it was weird for one little boy to call me mrs. chelle later in the day...(for one i'm not married...and for two, how come you know my name kid??) I'm so grateful for the relationships I have at Hillcrest and I hope to have after this summer is over. I don't know the future after grad school (the reason I moved to Long Beach)...but I know that right now these people are my friends and I love them.