with a million things on my heart lately and rising levels of anxiety about the future, my family, school....i retreated to a park by the water Sunday afternoon. I don't know how 5 hours went by. i never dozed off or anything...but it wasn't until the sun started to set and the air became cold that I thought, maybe i should walk those 2 miles back to my car now...
Amidst my questions and fears I saw God. In a little girl playing chase and laughing with her mom, bees moving from flower to flower at my eye level as I lay in the grass, the sound of the water against the rocks, the warm sun on my skin, the couple speaking to each other in German not far from me, the words I read in a book that seemed to give language to my own heart, the voice of my sister on the phone: "where are you?" "a park" "alone?" "yeah", "what's up?..." that's love. that's being able to respond, hearing what's never said, and desiring to be there with someone in their distress. I'm so grateful to have someone in my life who gets me like that...who knows what only someone who grew up alongside you could know.
:) i was struck the other day with a childhood memory. this is the typical series of events that would transpire whenever we would be sent to our rooms as punishment for fighting with each other: a maximum of about 5 minutes would pass before one of us would hear a tiny voice rising from the air vent in the floor. the other one would crawl over to the corner of her room, remove the metal box and through the shaft that connected our rooms we would tell each other we were sorry and we loved each other...I'm so grateful for my sister. she's been through what i've been through. she sees what i sometimes can't, we have seasons (some last years, some days) of trading off in our roles as nurturer, receiver, learner, teacher, voice of reason, and voice of idealism. and as different as we are...our souls are very much connected.
I saw God in the fact that time continues to move forward and all things always seem to rest in the hands of someone bigger than me. and as I let that time pass by me, I sat in wonder.