a shadow mission

So sunday Lou talked about our mission, how our mission is tied to our identity and spent some time in Ephesians 1 showing this. and then he read a quote that described what happens when we fail to follow our mission...we default to a shadow mission. It's often not 180 degrees in the wrong direction..but five or ten....and over time, we end up very far from the place or mission we're intended to be on. and along the way "we betray our deepest values while the world goes to hell."

I sell shrimp. This is my existence. sure i do other things...and for a while i found a great deal of meaning and purpose in my time at different non-profits and hospitals, in my community and my church...in being a vegan who is a vegan for humanitarian and religious reasons of care and compassion...i value much and for a long long time have been sustained by the belief that these things matter enough to keep me going.

these days i'm depressed. i feel like with each day i'm further and further from where i'm really supposed to be. bubba gump shrimp company for 2 and a half years??? are you kidding me??? sure it pays bills...sometimes. and of all the places to exist in survival mode, it's as good as any i suppose....but what the hell??? this goes well beyond monotany or burn out on a single thing for too long. it's not what i'm intended to do. it's not what i want my existence to be. I feel like running away and joining the peace corps again. but this time it's not to escape unrequited love or awkward friendships or sheer boredom...its because i NEED to be helping people. i don't feel inspired. i don't feel pushed. i've said this privately to people who are close enough to me to see past what seems to be arrogance, but here goes public internet people...i'm sick of being admired, i want to be challenged. i don't want to convice myself that life here is good and purposeful for me based on the evidence of x y and z. i want to run whole-heartedly to the corners of the world where God's people are in real need. i care very little these days for a traditional life of marriage and family and financial security and success and prestige. i just want Jesus. I don't care what city i'm in or what country i'm in or what degree i have or how big my house is or how much human love i'm even surrounded by.

my people pleasing tendencies re-read this post with a sensitivity to my close friends who are my support and community and inspiration...and because they're my closest friends i trust that they'll recieve these words with grace and understanding....so i won't edit or apologize.

where are you Jesus!!!!!? why is anita back in the hospital?? why do the hungry still wander the streets? why do i exist??? why have i experienced pain?? why am i a narcissist???????? why do you hide your face from your people? why does this world value money and fame? why does pain and suffering spread like a disease???

Lord, have mercy on your children.