and then?????

why are we always worried about the future??
couple of thoughts...a while ago i was in the office of one of the most influential people in my life. he was my pastor when I was 4 years old, my professor and pastor again during college, and now a dear friend. He's known my family's situation and has listened with love and patience as I shake my fists at God, find peace in some new bit of wisdom, and (recently) planted new seeds of direction to think about. with only that requirement, that I think about it. I live 1700 miles away from my family. and i'm the only one at Christmas who doesn't live within a 20 mile radius of my mom and gramma's house...mom, dad, and gramma's house. ahhhhhh. my gramma's been a nurse all of her life....and now she's my dad's care-taker...and it's visibly wearing on her. my mom works overtime just about every week of her life. my dad watches baseball and keeps life interesting for everyone else. and this past christmas home had my mind reeling with the question, why am I in california?
BUT!
I'm so happy here. i love my life....and when I go "home" to oklahoma, i don't feel like myself. I'm loved and accepted and appreciated...and i love my family. but I often can't talk about the issues i'm passionate about without eyes glazing over...no one wants to go for a run through a park...there isn't a population of need like the one i love to serve out here. I can't ride my bike to school and work....i can't get anywhere really without getting in a car...that's just due to distance...forget the crazy oklahoma weather. i'm a different person there...oddly enough home is no longer home...
the idea's in my head...and even if i don't really like it, I'll go where God leads. i've got a few years to let that one sink in i think...

i just spent a few hours searching for full time jobs. on idealist.com you pick categories of interest....i think my problem is i'm too interested. isn't there one category for homelessness/women's issues/children/education/green living/and mental health???? i graduate in may...so now I'm tossing back and forth weights on the grad school scale again. private school: integrated theology and psychology programs like rosemead and fuller that i would love to be in, but more time, more money, maybe closer to home so i wouldn't need to move again... public: less time, less money, ability to see the real world outside of my christian bubble....but i don't really think i've lived in a christian bubble since loma at all....hmmmmm.

for now, i'm a shrimp shack waitress. i live in a green house. i love the people i serve in my city. i'm trying to learn about empathy and compassion and share what i find with the world. i have beautiful friends who teach me how to love better everyday by the way that they love. home is a pretty relative concept at this point.

i'm at peace.