June?

I know you always hear different versions of "man time flies", but seriously...where in the begeezes did June go?

I have a lot of meandering thoughts in my head...lots of people in my life to appreciate...lots of camping trips to prepare for...lots of musical endeavors...and a kayak to finally take on a maiden voyage tomorrow afternoon. CAN'T WAIT!

I really love my church. We sang this together today...some things just seem to give language to your heart...

How sweet the name of Jesus sounds in a believer's ear.
It soothes his sorrows, heals his wounds, and drives away his fear.
It makes the wounded spirit whole and calms his troubled breast;
'tis manna to the hungry soul, and to the weary rest.

Dear name, the Rock on which I build my shield and hiding place;
My never failing treasure filled with boundless stores of grace.
Jesus, my Shepherd, Savior, Friend,
My Prophet, Priest, and King,
My Lord, my Life, my Way, my End,
accept the praise I bring.

Weak is the effort of my heart, and cold my warmest thought.
But when I see you as you are, I'll praise you as I ought.
'til then I will your love proclaim with every fleeting breath,
and may the music of your name refresh my soul in death.

amen.

Lois Ann Johnson is my hero

When we're kids we scream out ridiculous things to each other like "DIBS ON THE BATHROOM!" well guess what, we start to do it again when we're 75 years old. Maybe my favorite person in the world has been here in Long Beach with me since last tuesday and I've already learned so much from her in the past few days, and i'm happy to add it all to the life lessons I have learned in the 24 years that I have been privileged to know my gramma.

1. Let yourself enjoy life.
...Whether that means that a trip to Vons for "bare essentials" includes hershey kisses, or that you just simply SLOW DOWN and take life in. My gramma needs me to walk alongside her now so she doesn't fall, and we walk about half a mile an hour...but it's been a nice change of pace. and while just me and g-ma were at the shark lagoon at the aquarium i watched her eyes wander from the animals to the laughing children screaming for their daddies to "come see!!" and then connect with another mom or grandma with a knowing glance that says something like...yeah, i know...these moments are treasures to be breathed and lived in.

2. You WILL look crazy, and when you're at your prime you won't even care.
...My grandma talks to animals. She does this on a daily basis at home with Tula the shnoodle...and to sea lions out in the open sea on our boat ride, lorakeets at the aquarium, sharks in a tank, or birds joining us at our lunch table at cafe ambrosia. she also waves to strangers driving by on john deer tractors on ocean blvd and fishermen on the docks...and acts SHOCKED when said fishermen don't wave back.

3. no matter how much you come to need people...there is no limit to the love and care you can give.
...for example, as much as she needs help walking or getting in the car or fixing her hair...she still wraps her arms around me and keeps me as warm as she did when i was 3 years old as we feel the wind on our faces out on the big blue pacific.

her life is beautiful...and even though my heart shrinks in pain when she starts to talk crazy about things like exactly how she wants me to grieve her when she's gone, and what little treasures of hers she wants me have when she dies...i'm determined to learn as much as i can from a wonderful wonderful woman of grace and poise and character, who is simultaneously feisty and stubborn and acts just like a little kid.

anita

I've been at hillcrest almost a year now...and strangely, it's mostly been a positive experience. what i mean by that is that despite inner battles to find pure motivation, to understand guilt when i'm lazy or frustration when i'm out of ideas or feelings of ineptitude in general...i've received nothing but joy and have only grown as a person because i've been invited to share in these people's lives.
along with that i have been frustrated together with ron when he's trying to talk and i can't get it, and i've been angry when a wheelchair is broken and left unrepaired for over a month, and i've wrestled with the realization that these people are forced to live in a hospital where they're told where and when and what to eat...among other losses...i've been sad, but today my heart broke.
Anita is a beautiful woman. Ever since i've known her she's been unable to use her hands for most tasks, so someone has to feed her and light her cigarettes for her...but her personality shines through her physical incapacities. she's sarcastic and witty and bossy (in a loving way) and full of life and totally mentally present. Today she didn't come to group, but afterwards I stopped in the hallway to talk to her. all these wonderful things were gone from her. I wiped the drool from her face and placed my hand on her shoulder and looked into empty eyes. one has always been lazy, which is just another thing that contributes a bit to her characteristic craziness that i love so much....
my first reaction was to try to cheer her up...so i joked about her boyfriend (denzel washington) and fumbled through meaningless words all the while aching to see some life come back to her. it was so bad that i asked the nurse later if she was on heavy meds or something. it took me 3 full minutes to understand the single word "patio". we went outside together and it slowly sunk in deep that these people have a fatal disease. they're not getting better...her life is slipping away and i can't do a damn thing to stop it.
i came home a few hours later. my extremely perceptive and loving roommate pulled the story out of me...he offered very pragmatic approaches to help me understand and cope with it all...but im not concerned about me right now. and i'm not feeling pragmatic...i'm feeling helpless.
so i let his loving words soak in to my heart...welcomed a hug that i could rest in if only for a moment...and finally felt some peace when he pointed to the flower on the table, "look". a big beautiful white native flower with several buds beginning to burst open.

we live and we die...and we don't need to understand, and it's complicated, and we barely make it...but along the way there are small miracles...and if my eyes are open, life really is beautiful, right there along with all of the pain and disease and violence and suffering and theft and evil...there are wildflowers and symphonies and hugs and birthday parties and friends....

i'm not sure what to do with this habit of mine to take raw lament and shaking fists into the reaction i think i'm supposed to have...like saying "God is good" "He is faithful"...it seems as cliche as saying "don't worry, be happy".

Lord be with Anita. Bring peace and joy somehow. Show her that her life is beautiful. Have mercy on us all.

a city on a hill is made up of more than me.

as i've ruminated on all of this stuff (see previous post) i've become a little insecure, hoping i haven't offended the people around me, wishing i had the guts to not be insecure...but also genuinely desiring to accurately represent them...and i'm not sure i've done them justice when i assume things like what they mean when they ask me about personal ethics and i peg it as a bipolarization of Christian ethics and rest of my life ethics...and i've been afraid (as always) of coming off as arrogant and prideful because i think i've figured it out. i am so far from it. i am a helpless, weak, emotionally swayed ragamuffin who needs grace. that said....

today's sermon was on the next few verses in matthew, "you are the salt of the earth...you are the light of the world....a city on a hill". alongside the wonderful realization that these are descriptive statements about our identity and not commandments to go and do, i was taken by surprise at the context of community that is used.
after last week's sermon and my subsequent whirlwind of thoughts i started feeling like the only way i could really live out this radical call is to leave my current location and go work in an orphanage in some foreign country, or join the peace corps, or just get stronger in my own personal convictions. Today i heard over and over again that on our own strength, with our own resources and vision and commitment, we will not last. we need each other, and this life that God describes as the natural manifestation of a life lived in God's kingdom is not meant to be lived, cannot be lived, alone. Someone in our group made the statement that they were relieved to hear that they are intended to participate in God's work alongside others who have the same heart, who are like-minded. I was taken back because i had had the opposite reaction: How in the world am I (crazy vegan, eco-concerned, homeless loving, hillcrest dwelling me) going to find people who desire such an unattractive (by this world's standards of beauty and materialism and individualism) life??? (i've been filling in for the activities director at hillcrest the past week or two, and as i was talking and joking with Anita the other day she looked me dead in the eye and told me I needed to get a life.) (i really like parenthetical clauses today by the way) and as i type this i'm hit with the conviction that the people around me do have the same passions and vision and desire to bear witness to the kingdom. and while my bent may be the environment, christa's lovin like crazy on inner city kids at west athens, and mary's taking care of pediatric patients for 12 hours at a time, and esther's behind the scenes planning huge church events, and the list goes on...

so i'm not so much relieved at the thought of a community as i am challenged. excited and ready for the challenge, to be sharpened by iron, and hopefully to be an agent of new thought and re-imaging of God, together with my friends...my brothers and sisters.

being more like jesus, to each other, as disciples, in love...not to be more christian, but more fully human...ragamuffins that we are.

yep, i'm trying to hold all those ideas...together.

Last sunday the sermon was from matthew and the beattitudes. But the 'main point' that I took hit me hard. If we are truly like Christ, if we really do what the gospel commands, if we take it literally, then we will be "different". I think different is a pretty softened way to say that we will look like crazy people. On a retreat recently we were discussing business ethics and personal ethics (as I understand it, when this question was posed to me it was intended for "personal" to mean my Christian ethics). Basically, I was asked, can they exist together? and my problem is, why are there two separate sets of ethics?? and if we have two end goals (one being participation in the restorative work of God's kingdom, and the other being survival and even success in a dog eat dog world), how can we expect our "business" and "personal" ethics to jive???? Where in the gospel does it command us to make lots of money and a secure existence for ourselves...or our loved ones??? unless you hate your father and mother. yeah i know it sounds harsh. deal with it. but God forbid you try to rationalize or soften it.

I miss the voice of certain idealists in my life. I feel like with age (I know I'm still a young 23...but even in the last 2 years), I've heard a whole lot of good, sound, practical advice. and some days I really don't like the person I'm becoming as a result. sure I want to learn to be wise, but not at the expense of my vocation to love the Lord my God with all my heart and my neighbor as myself. I don't want to tame and twist the gospel so that it fits into the demands and duties and laws of this world. I want to see God's kingdom.

Just before graduating from loma my pastor took me on a walk around the block before church. He told me I was going to be looked at funny as I went away from this place, that the world would think I was weird (specifically in my interactions with people who are homeless)...I didn't like the conversation at the time. it felt like he was complimenting me for something I don't think merits praise....but that's not what he was doing at all. He was simply trying to tell me what Jesus' life displayed, what Lou was saying last sunday...Jesus was ridiculed and ostracized and eventually murdered, because he lived a quietly outrageous life. He didn't do as he was told or what he was expected. "if you go against the grain you'll get splinters". splinters?? we're afraid of splinters?? not prison, not poverty or homelessness or death....just a little social rub? the thought makes me sick, and yet, i'm guilty. i even try to think myself out of guilt by saying things like, "well, maybe it's more impacting for others to see quiet acts of love than for me to have a debate with them"...and i think this might be true, but when given the chance for a conversation, this thought is not a reason to dodge my responsibility to represent God's love.

last saturday i met a few new people and invited them to an art show my friend was in. it was in la in a place i'd never been. it was a late event and the way there was through dark alley ways and barely marked roads. So these guys i'd barely met actually made it and as we were talking the jokes started...about the gross hobos and bums and how they had to lock their doors and there was some homeless shelter or something right around the corner and what a crappy area we were in...and the general response was laughter between these 4 guys. I think they were pretty confused at my response. I just walked away. and in my head and heart i was infuriated and repulsed by them. and the posture of my heart toward them probably looked quite similar at the time to the way they felt about homeless people. and for that I am sorry.

I spent the next 2 days wrestling with what I should have done. On the way to church the next day i had a conversation out loud with them in my car and said all the things I should have said, about how homelessness can be and often is all the things that they said, gross and disgusting and smelly and scary...and therefore, it is absolutely not a point of comedy, but instead should cause our hearts to break and our lives to reach out. I wish i would have at least have had the courage to introduce another way of thinking than the one i'm sure they've been handed down their whole lives....instead of avoiding the social friction that might have caused a few splinters...for me or for them.

if you know me, you've probably noticed that i'm a pretty opinionated person. and i'm not sure when that happened. I hold strong positions on lots of issues....but I try to be respectful and understanding of the fact that those are not universal beliefs. sunday during second hour we talked about the abrasive Christian that has basically forgotten how to love because the point has become resistance instead of the point being love and Christ-likeness, which will often result in opposition, but should still come forth from love. I don't want a vegan bumper sticker. I don't want to scream at a group of guys about how wrong they are to dehumanize beautiful people who happen to live on the street, and no matter how many times i gently suggest an alternate shopping location, my family can get groceries from walmart if they really want to. BUT, am I too gentle??? did i miss an opportunity to help change what i believe to be absolutely false (but most likely ignorant) ideas about homelessness?

i want splinters. i don't want money. i want to value others' lives. i don't want comfort. i don't want prestige. i don't want to be socially polite. i want Jesus.

sodoku take two

i got to hillcrest about 4 minutes late today...walked into a room full of anxiously awaiting smiles. it was the best feeling. i hear a million thank you's, and we laugh and have a good time...but it was such a tangible reminder to me that it matters to them. we played sodoku for reals...and i'm excited for a new series of games--movie trivia crosswords starting on friday. favorite movies in the group include grease, rain man, forest gump (oh geeze), and i spy. p.s. if anyone out in internet land has great ideas for fun games that somehow use memory throw a comment out.

sometimes i think i exhaust myself by trying to be profound. life is just beautiful. i ran at sunset tonight. i played a softball game with friends (we won). i'm going to drink hot chocolate as i walk to the video store. i had a hilarious conversation with my roommate about how he's practicing spanish by watching thunder cats in spanish (gatos de cosmos!!...imagine this being sung/yelled by a 6'4" giant man in plaid). I wished my grandma a happy birthday and talked about the beautiful weather with a friendly clerk at trader joes. Nothin fancy...nothing profound at first glance...just beautiful life.

Thanks God.

sodoku gone wrong.

awesome day today. I've been doing new things lately, but we came back to sodoku today for Ron's sake. it's one of the games he really loves...i put it all up on the wall and had my markers ready...and soon realized i'd forgotten to write down some of the #s we needed to start with...which means there's really no way to solve it apart from guessing or sheer genius. I am not a genius, so after a long but fun 40 minutes of playing seriously we moved to a speed sodoku round of guessing and yelling and scribbled letters and laughing. i was exhausted after 4 minutes...and we didn't guess correctly...so i just collapsed on the ground laughing at our failed mess of blue and green numbers and lines on the wall...and it was great.

I've been overwhelmed with gratitude lately. and flooded with a sense of abundance in my life in relationships, joy, beauty, and daily provision. at hillcrest, work, home, church, and in solitude.

the Lord is my shepherd. I lack nothing.

Amen.