the times they are a'changin.

I'm facing a few changes in the next week...and lately i guess in general. and find myself in a place i often find myself in the midst of changes...somewhat of an identity crisis. although this time, compared to the past at least, i don't feel at all in crisis...just reflective and maybe cautious. what do new possessions, new homes/places, new roommates, new people and relationships mean? or more specifically, who am i as a result? questions i'm continuing to ask and hopefully being honest with myself about...search me and know me God...and maybe clue me in if you can.

In other news...on a short cruise down pch tonight with my beloved roommate i was encouraged to continue to challenge what seems normal. i've been frustrated lately that what's become routine has possibly lost significance or its ability to engage and impact me because it's become routine...but not because it's become less. being accessible to those around me (to God around me) is a recently resurrected idea. hmmm, so pete and i play music at hillcrest...and i remember the first time we rehearsed together i was on this crazy high...it felt like the first time in forever that i was free to just jam. i love playing concerto's but somehow there's much less freedom in bach's 3rd than a spontaneous rendition of Hey Jude for me. but after a few months of this...it's become a little normal...and has since lost a bit of it's glamour...until a new patient starts singing along and visibly enjoying it. then i get another hit of satisfaction. WOW....why the hell am i doing this? MY SATISFACTION!? ew that's gross. I HATE MY NARCISISSM!!!!!!! Lord I am so human it's disgusting.

Thank you for loving us. I have no idea how you do, but i'm confident of that truth. Thank you for the times that I am rewarded with a smile or a thank you or a moment of encouragement, but PLEASE open my eyes to my tendency to look for personal satisfaction and fulfillment in the work you've called me to and my selfish manipulation of a good thing. Open my eyes to the corners (or chambers) of my heart that i would rather not see. to broken relationships that i would rather ignore, to decisions that i would rather close my eyes and make quickly, to painstaking truths that i would like to see through rosecolored lenses. thank you for people in my life who very evidently live close to you and earnestly seek truth...and want to bring others to that place.

thank for love that i do not deserve.
amen.

the wilderness

I just got back from a trip with some old college friends to yosemite national park. We spent a few days camping and hiking up to half dome. it was glorious and physically strenuous (which I thrive on) and beautiful and restful (in the sense that we escaped responsibility) and just liberating. I love the outdoors and I love being in them for extended periods of time, especially in good company. A friend on the trip perked up his ears when I mentioned the idea of doing the John Muir trail...he's actually doing the entire Pacific Crest Trail beginning in April and I just might join him. 2650 miles from mexico to canada....about 5 months to finish.

here are my thoughts...on the one hand, heck yes. that sounds amazing and exhilarating and this is probably the last time in my life that i can as far as time and commitments go. I keep feeling the urge to get out of the country or move to a new city or work in an orphanage somewhere...maybe what i need is 5 months in the wild. and it would be a great last adventure before grad school gets for reals again for another 4-5 years.

on the other hand...5 months is a huge chunk of time. there are all sorts of logistical hesitations like $ and storage for all my crap i wish i didn't have but can't just toss/sell. and while it sounds exhilarating it also is something that seems like it'd just be for me. and i don't think i'd be happy doing something just for me. i don't think i need a big break before i start learning how i can best give again, because giving isn't exhausting to me, it's what makes me come alive. so i think i'd feel not just guilty but empty if i was camping for such a long time. i need to be investing in the lives of people who are in need.

sort of in the same way that new years resolutions irritate me. if you want to change something in your life, why do you wait until january 1st to do it. just do it. right now. I think i'm just antsy because i seem to have found a place/church/people/and potential education and career that i really love and am happy with and am experiencing God in...and i don't think I'm supposed to leave any of it. but i feel like after you finish school somewhere you're supposed to move on...but Long Beach feels relatively permanent...for now. :) anyways...maybe the pct...maybe just john muir...either way i love the wilderness and the solitude and perspective it gives me.

God's creation is SO good.

the girls

i'm sitting in my room. my room that was perfectly clean 24 hours ago. now, i'm surrounded by clothes and beach towels and shoes and suitcases overflowing and the chair i'm sitting on is draped with someone elses jeans...and i love it. The girls are in town. Kristin and Morgan are staying here tonight, tomorrow we'll join chelsea and some other friends from college for a trip up to the top of Half Dome. I was on the beach today with Kristin...in the middle of my scribbling into a journal she asked what I was writing about..."you". I love these girls so much...so much that I'm not at all surprised when plainly asked what I'm writing in a journal and not at all hesitant to answer in detail. When you have friendships like these you just don't have words to describe them, and I have no formula for how to make these kinds of relationships manifest themselves again. but i'm ridiculously grateful.

total strangers.

It's 11:45pm on a friday night, and I just came home from maybe one of the most beautiful human interactions I've had all week. I met Debbie and her children Ari and Hannah yesterday. We hit it off. It's been so long since I've felt so adored. That's the best word I have. Mutual affection...fondness, doesn't seem right...we all four just adored each other almost immediately. They invited me over for dinner and I gladly accepted. 3 hyperactive happy dogs welcomed me the minute I walked in the door with Ari, who had been pacing the lawn waiting for me before I got there. Dinner was beautiful. We celebrated the Sabbath together (they're Jewish), offered blessings (I listened...being that I don't speak Hebrew) and talked and laughed and told stories. Greg and Debbie are a beautiful couple who love each other so evidently. They have an incredible affection for their children...overwhelming hospitality...compelling thoughts about life and love and social justice...and just a wonderful home that put me so at ease. We even painted helicopters (the seed pods from trees that twirl) and kept the kids up way too late playing together. And I just met them yesterday. Not that I need ANY thing else to fill my schedule...but I'm eager to be a part of these people's lives. Babysitting these kids feels like a privilege. It makes me miss my family.

It's so great to know that good people exist in the world and that we have so much to learn from one another and to share in together.

June?

I know you always hear different versions of "man time flies", but seriously...where in the begeezes did June go?

I have a lot of meandering thoughts in my head...lots of people in my life to appreciate...lots of camping trips to prepare for...lots of musical endeavors...and a kayak to finally take on a maiden voyage tomorrow afternoon. CAN'T WAIT!

I really love my church. We sang this together today...some things just seem to give language to your heart...

How sweet the name of Jesus sounds in a believer's ear.
It soothes his sorrows, heals his wounds, and drives away his fear.
It makes the wounded spirit whole and calms his troubled breast;
'tis manna to the hungry soul, and to the weary rest.

Dear name, the Rock on which I build my shield and hiding place;
My never failing treasure filled with boundless stores of grace.
Jesus, my Shepherd, Savior, Friend,
My Prophet, Priest, and King,
My Lord, my Life, my Way, my End,
accept the praise I bring.

Weak is the effort of my heart, and cold my warmest thought.
But when I see you as you are, I'll praise you as I ought.
'til then I will your love proclaim with every fleeting breath,
and may the music of your name refresh my soul in death.

amen.

Lois Ann Johnson is my hero

When we're kids we scream out ridiculous things to each other like "DIBS ON THE BATHROOM!" well guess what, we start to do it again when we're 75 years old. Maybe my favorite person in the world has been here in Long Beach with me since last tuesday and I've already learned so much from her in the past few days, and i'm happy to add it all to the life lessons I have learned in the 24 years that I have been privileged to know my gramma.

1. Let yourself enjoy life.
...Whether that means that a trip to Vons for "bare essentials" includes hershey kisses, or that you just simply SLOW DOWN and take life in. My gramma needs me to walk alongside her now so she doesn't fall, and we walk about half a mile an hour...but it's been a nice change of pace. and while just me and g-ma were at the shark lagoon at the aquarium i watched her eyes wander from the animals to the laughing children screaming for their daddies to "come see!!" and then connect with another mom or grandma with a knowing glance that says something like...yeah, i know...these moments are treasures to be breathed and lived in.

2. You WILL look crazy, and when you're at your prime you won't even care.
...My grandma talks to animals. She does this on a daily basis at home with Tula the shnoodle...and to sea lions out in the open sea on our boat ride, lorakeets at the aquarium, sharks in a tank, or birds joining us at our lunch table at cafe ambrosia. she also waves to strangers driving by on john deer tractors on ocean blvd and fishermen on the docks...and acts SHOCKED when said fishermen don't wave back.

3. no matter how much you come to need people...there is no limit to the love and care you can give.
...for example, as much as she needs help walking or getting in the car or fixing her hair...she still wraps her arms around me and keeps me as warm as she did when i was 3 years old as we feel the wind on our faces out on the big blue pacific.

her life is beautiful...and even though my heart shrinks in pain when she starts to talk crazy about things like exactly how she wants me to grieve her when she's gone, and what little treasures of hers she wants me have when she dies...i'm determined to learn as much as i can from a wonderful wonderful woman of grace and poise and character, who is simultaneously feisty and stubborn and acts just like a little kid.

anita

I've been at hillcrest almost a year now...and strangely, it's mostly been a positive experience. what i mean by that is that despite inner battles to find pure motivation, to understand guilt when i'm lazy or frustration when i'm out of ideas or feelings of ineptitude in general...i've received nothing but joy and have only grown as a person because i've been invited to share in these people's lives.
along with that i have been frustrated together with ron when he's trying to talk and i can't get it, and i've been angry when a wheelchair is broken and left unrepaired for over a month, and i've wrestled with the realization that these people are forced to live in a hospital where they're told where and when and what to eat...among other losses...i've been sad, but today my heart broke.
Anita is a beautiful woman. Ever since i've known her she's been unable to use her hands for most tasks, so someone has to feed her and light her cigarettes for her...but her personality shines through her physical incapacities. she's sarcastic and witty and bossy (in a loving way) and full of life and totally mentally present. Today she didn't come to group, but afterwards I stopped in the hallway to talk to her. all these wonderful things were gone from her. I wiped the drool from her face and placed my hand on her shoulder and looked into empty eyes. one has always been lazy, which is just another thing that contributes a bit to her characteristic craziness that i love so much....
my first reaction was to try to cheer her up...so i joked about her boyfriend (denzel washington) and fumbled through meaningless words all the while aching to see some life come back to her. it was so bad that i asked the nurse later if she was on heavy meds or something. it took me 3 full minutes to understand the single word "patio". we went outside together and it slowly sunk in deep that these people have a fatal disease. they're not getting better...her life is slipping away and i can't do a damn thing to stop it.
i came home a few hours later. my extremely perceptive and loving roommate pulled the story out of me...he offered very pragmatic approaches to help me understand and cope with it all...but im not concerned about me right now. and i'm not feeling pragmatic...i'm feeling helpless.
so i let his loving words soak in to my heart...welcomed a hug that i could rest in if only for a moment...and finally felt some peace when he pointed to the flower on the table, "look". a big beautiful white native flower with several buds beginning to burst open.

we live and we die...and we don't need to understand, and it's complicated, and we barely make it...but along the way there are small miracles...and if my eyes are open, life really is beautiful, right there along with all of the pain and disease and violence and suffering and theft and evil...there are wildflowers and symphonies and hugs and birthday parties and friends....

i'm not sure what to do with this habit of mine to take raw lament and shaking fists into the reaction i think i'm supposed to have...like saying "God is good" "He is faithful"...it seems as cliche as saying "don't worry, be happy".

Lord be with Anita. Bring peace and joy somehow. Show her that her life is beautiful. Have mercy on us all.