3 Men and a Lady

Henri Morgan Neilsen

2012-01-17T14:19:00.000-08:00

Warning: the following is EVERYTHING I can recall from Jan 4th-5th, 2012. Some of it may be a bit TMI for you, so read with caution! :) Also it's ridiculously long...my sister advised me to write every single thing I could remember...I'd put it in a journal, but I type faster than I write, so there. Also, if you're currently pregnant and hoping to hear that this thing is a breeze and doesn't really hurt at all...just take the mouse and click on that little red dot or X in the corner and close the window now and never come back. I promise it does have a happy ending though. :)

Wednesday, January 4th, 2012 @ 12:00am I awoke to my water breaking. Somehow I made it to the restroom in time, immediately sure that this was not a flashback to childhood bed wetting accidents. One of my very first thoughts was, 'remember to let Tim sleep...he'll need the energy later when I have natural adrenaline keeping me up'. Within a minute of this thought I realized our poor puppy had had an accident in the baby's room...so clearly I decided to wake Tim up since there was no way I was going to clean up a doggy mess while in labor! I gently woke him with the following statement, "Hunny, 2 things: Norm had an accident in the baby's room, and also, my water just broke". His reaction was first groggy and then instantly awake he said, "what!?" We shared a happy moment, and then I went and got him the carpet cleaner. :)

We'd heard from several friends and our Bradley class that it's a good idea to bring treats to the hospital for the nurses to help lock in a private postpartum room and also make friends since we have a detailed birthplan that may or may not be completely welcome/convenient for them. So of course, I started baking Great Grandma Thumper's oatmeal cookies. Since we were still two weeks early, I had just gotten our hospital bag completely packed the day before, printed out copies of our birthplan, downloaded my birthmusic mix to my phone, and had made a list of the things to throw in the bag on the day of. Tim cleared out the back of the pathfinder and loaded up the car...I took my time, remembering that Bradley class and my doctor had said to wait until contractions were 5 min apart before heading to the hospital. I was forgetting one caveat: Unless your water breaks.

So I called my sister, asked some questions, made sure the amniotic fluid was the right color etc. etc. and she told me to call my dr. now since my water broke. Got ahold of the doc and she said, "head to the hospital now, I'll see you there". What?! I'm not even having contractions yet!? Well, just little ones. So we sort of stalled for another 2 hours and didn't head to the hospital until about 2:30am. Before we left I packed Norman's bag and put a key under the mat for our friend Ellie to come get him so he could play with their dog Hindley for what we thought would be just a day or maybe 1 and 1/2 days. Norm didn't know it, but he's a pretty lucky guy. He was scheduled to be neutered that very day at 8am. Saved! He still has his manhood to this day, soon we'll reschedule.

At 2:30 something en route to the hospital we called my mom in Oklahoma to let her know we were in labor. She answered this 4:30am her time phone call with a suspicious, "yesss??". I could hear the smile on her face through the phone.

Once we got to the hospital, between the two of us we somehow managed to get; 1 small suitcase, 1 travel bag, 1 giant yoga ball, 1 basket of cookies, 1 cooler (for my placenta), and 1 camera bag up the elevator. Tim didn't want me to carry anything...but he's not an octopus so he gave in to my insisting that I could help.

We sat in the waiting room for a while and Tim finally decided to go park the car and reluctantly left me all alone for just a few minutes. At that point Dr. Chao came out and said hello (she had just finished another delivery), took some cookies and headed home for the night to sleep. --I can't imagine being an OB. It's like having an infant! You get woken up at all hours with no warning and no choice to say, nah...I'm tired.

At triage we had an awesome nurse, Cassi, who totally respected every part of our birth plan. Did a test to make sure it was amniotic fluid that was filling about my 10th giant sized maxi at this point. The swab is supposed to turn blue if it's your water and not urine. It turned navy blue. We also found out at that time that we were "closed" so I was not dilated at all. :( Cassi let us walk around the floor for 30 min at a time to get oxytocin going naturally, then we had to return to be on the external fetal monitor for about 30 min at a time....so we followed that routine for a while.

Finally, about 5 or 6am (time was a blur thoughout our stay at the hospital) we were moved to labor and delivery. Lisa came in with a soft quiet voice (as per the plan) and turned monitor volumes down etc. She also loved the oatmeal cookies. Sometime between 5 and 7 am Debbie joined us. I love the Naiman family. Debbie is like a sister/mom to me and we asked her to join us for the process since we had no way of knowing if my mom or sister could be there. She isn't afraid of speaking her mind which is good because Tim isn't the quickest to speak up when someone needs to get told. He (and I) like peace and harmony...so Debbie was our advocate when needed. :) Then around 9:30 I think Sarah came too. She is the first friend I ever made in Long Beach and I so needed her support and back rubs and confident voice saying "you can do this" throughout the process.

Unfortunately, Lisa's shift ended shortly after we met her and in came Star. Star burst into the room, flipped on all the lights, and with her booming voice told us about her 2 home births and how she thinks is just great that we have a birth plan and want to do this naturally, BUT... She continued to tell us all about what great pets pot belly pigs are and how if we have a pet we should take all the blankets with "the baby's blood and fluids" all over them back home for Arnold (somehow she thought our dog's name was Arnold...?) to smell to introduce him to the baby. I reminded her twice we really wanted a peaceful environment...she didn't get it. Add construction right outside of our room and we were quick to request a room change. Room 6 was great...also had a tub and shower which we were excited to use for natural pain management (although no tubs allowed since my water broke and that could introduce infection...but showers were a-okay).

While we were walking in the hall (still trying to get contractions goin) not too long after the room switch we bumped into a young beautiful nurse named Natalie. She said she was our new nurse. ?? We just got Star? Apparently one of Star's patients had become "complete" or in the pushing phase and so Star had to transfer all the other patients she had. I loved Natalie. Our personalities really fit well together. Unfortunatley, like me, she gave WAY too much information. (Tim never fails to let me know this about myself when I'm telling a story to someone :). So Natalie was great because she only made us sit with the monitor on for a few minutes at a time and then let us get up and walk stairs, move around to get contractions goin. One other method for natural oxytocin release is nipple stimulation. So, being the pretty modest person I am, I watched and listened for passers by as I walked stairs while implementing said methods for 30 min segments. It worked...but not enough.

At every point during her shift (7am-7pm) I was at 4cm. :( He was station 0 to +1, I was 80% effaced, and a 4. So things were going great, except I just wasn't dilating, and since my water had broken so long ago, the talks of pitocin started. This is where we got way too much information. We had asked to be given a clear explanation of the medical need for any interventions or medication and be given the chance to give informed consent. Well, we should have said that we only wanted to know about the medical need relevant to us at that time. We were given every worst case scenario that might influence us to say yes to pitocin then and there. Interestingly...my Dr. never mentioned it or pressured us. I started to get overwhelmed, and started to second guess our ability to make a wise decision. I called my sister. She talked me through things. One of the things she kept saying to me was "your body was made to have this baby. You were created to do this, and he's going to come when he's ready". My mom told me to listen to my heart. I didn't feel peace about pitocin at that point. BUT I also didn't want my stubbornness or a selfish desire to be able to say I did this naturally to be the driving force of our decisions. I started regretting ever telling anyone on this earth that we wanted a natural birth. I would never be able to live with myself if one of those worst case scenarios did happen and Henri ended up with a horrible infection that put him in the ICU for 7 days. I was crying a lot. Debbie seemed like she was starting to lean toward pitocin too. Finally there was a moment when it was just me and Tim in the room. We prayed. and then I called my doctor. She was awesome. She said, you have 3 options. 1. take pitocin. 2. take antibiotics to help protect against infection (it wouldn't prevent but it would protect if it started to set in). and 3. do nothing. She said she didn't advise me to do nothing since my water had broken 24 hours prior at this point. She said it was completely my choice. At the same time my sister texted me to see if we had considered antibiotics. We chose antibiotics. I think this was one of the most challenging moments of the labor. I was sort of a wreck...and to be totally honest, I don't even feel like we were totally confident that we were making the perfect choice....but I just decided that I didn't have control over this and that we needed to trust God. So I kept praying. I tried to focus on the fact that one way or another we were about to meet out son...and that was all that mattered...

My sister had had an almost identical birth process and delivered at the 26th hour...so when we passed that point I started to get discouraged again. Something she kept telling us was that once she got in the tub she totally relaxed and her body went into motion...so we decided it was time for a hot shower to relax me. It took a LONG time to get a bench for the shower, and then Jenn (an orienting nurse under Natalie) came in and wrapped up my IV line since we had okay'd a hep lock when I was admitted. Got all set, Tim in his trunks, towels ready, turned on the water and it was kinda just warm...but I still got in. Within seconds it was FREEZING COLD! Opposite of relaxed!!!! I wanted to scream curse words...I may have, I can't remember. I think I said that it was bullshit that a hospital didn't even have hot water. Apparently it was due to that pesky construction that made room 15 so loud and un-relaxing. This was when I started to love Jenn. She practically ran to get heating pads and a cup of hot tea for me to warm up.

One of my favorite things about our birth process was the time the 4 of us (Me, Tim, Debbie, and Sarah) spent together. Telling stories, laughing. Sarah said at one point it felt like we were roommates again and this was just one of those days where we got to stay at home and hang out all day. Debbie talked to me a lot about how her kids have remained true to the personalities the revealed during their birth...for instance, coming in their own time. Debbie at one point said she had a dream recently that the baby's name was Hudson. Which is funny because friends of ours just named their son Hudson. I told her she wasn't far off. Tim and I had gone back and forth on names for all of 9 months. We love our girl name and knew it was perfect from the moment we said it...but boy names proved more of a challenge. We finally made it final when we made him a stocking at Christmas and Tim embroidered his name on it. Clearly we can't make a new stocking!! :)

Back to the birth story...I'm not exactly sure when, but at some point Tim went home for a nap, knowing that we were still in for a long haul. Luckily we live about 10 minutes from the hospital, so that was no big deal. There were other times when I would look over at the chair and he'd be sound asleep...or on the floor and he would be curled up on a pile of blankets and towels. Poor guy. He was so pooped. So was I, but I was also in the zone. It was crazy, 10 hours would go by in the blink of an eye. I kept telling Debbie that I felt like time was flying. I did get 1 or 2 "naps" in. Between contractions and nurses and beeping machines waking me up I wouldn't really call it quality sleep, but maybe it was enough of a power nap too jump start me a bit.

the 7pm to 7am shift brought us Teresa. She was great because she never once mentioned the idea of drugs to us. Unfortunately she wanted me to be on the external fetal monitor for up to an hour at a time, which really restricted my mobility. I sort of fought her on that topic, and just annoyed her by constantly asking how much longer I had to be on that thing. And I honestly had to pee several times during those intervals, so I'd just take it right off and go do my thing. We stayed at a 4 almost all night. No progress. Maybe because I wasn't able to move being on that dumb EFM. Maybe because it wasn't his time yet. Or maybe because he was purposefully waiting for his Grandma to fly in from Oklahoma. She had switched her flight the day before. :)
Teresa also had me on the monitor while sitting/laying in the bed a lot. I eventually got really direct and told her I absolutely could not lay in bed. It concentrated all of the pain of the contractions right to my lower back and it was really unbearable. If I was on the birth ball I could move around. If I was up and walking I could lean on Tim or the bed or the counter. On my knees facing the back of the bed with my upper body dangling over the head of the bed became my favorite position. It actually hurt more in that position, but I could feel more pressure in my pelvis, which I knew meant he was headed down...and that was the kind of pain I knew I needed to go through to help Henri along. One amazing thing that happened overnight was Teresa called the hospital engineers to try to get the hot water fixed. That never happened, BUT, they did figure out that for some unknown reason room 3 wasn't affected by the construction. We promptly packed our stuff up and went to room 3!! and I'm so glad because what happened next was the greatest pain I've ever experienced.

So labor pains/contractions felt like intensifying menstrual cramps. They had a clear start and a clear end. Don't get me wrong, they F-ing hurt!, but you know it won't last forever so you can make it though. Well, all of this sudden I had a SHARP pain in my left side and it did NOT come and go. It just stayed. I desperately asked Teresa what the heck this was. She shrugged her shoulders. (thanks lady) She agreed with me that maybe Henri had a foot in my ribs, or was sitting on a nerve or something about his position was just creating this sharp pain that lasted through the contractions. There was no end to it. No hope that it would just go away in a few minutes. I remember writhing around on the bed like an animal screaming "make it stop!!!" No position relieved the pain. Tim got a cool washcloth for my forehead. For some crazy reason the nurse decided strapping me to the monitors again was a great idea...so I couldn't move at all once she had me hooked up. Finally, we decided it was time for a shower. The hot water helped me to relax, Tim was great and stood right outside the tub adjusting the water for me, helping me calm down. I could have stayed in there until I was a shriveled prune all over. When I finally got out the pain was gone. HALLELUJAH! Sometime before Teresa left she checked me and I had made it to a 7. Things were happening, but we were at hour 31 and worried even more at this point about infection...

7am Judith and Jenn took over. We had Jenn again!! Actually, it was more like 7:30 before they made it to the room. Which we totally took advantage of and walked the halls for another 1/2 hour since Teresa wasn't paying attention and strapping me back up to machines. We later found out that what took so long was that Jenn was researching all the ways to get oxytocin (your body's natural pitocin) to release and clearing her plan with Dr. Chao. She came right in with the attitude that we were going to do this, we were going to do it naturally, and we were going to make it happen ASAP! She had Tim and I turn out the lights, here's the TMI part..., and got some lubricant and we used nipple stimulation and visualization. She even brought in a breast pump if nipple stim wasn't enough. Almost immediately my contractions got stronger and closer together and more consistent. At this point it had been a very long time since I had eaten or slept...and I started to feel like my body was just breaking down...I've never been so exhausted in my life.

Then that side pain came back. Jenn was so encouraging. She told me this is part of the process, that this was normal and not to worry. I actually threw up it hurt so bad. I literally started stripping off my clothes and got back in the shower in a rush (we actually forgot to wrap up the IV). It helped, but the pain was still there. There were times when I really started wanting to ask for drugs. But instead the words that came out were just for Tim to hear, "I don't think I can do this". He responded every time by telling me that I could do it, that we were so close, and that he was there for me. One thing that really was great is that no one ever offered me pain medication. I'm so grateful for that, because there were a few moments when I would have said...bring it on!!!

Sometime around 10 I think Jenn checked me and I was still at a 7, "maybe an 8"...I was so discouraged. At one point on the monitors it looked like Henri's heartbeat was dropping in response to my contractions...which isn't good and could be a sign of distress. This was amazing...to see if we could help, Jenn suggested that I really focus on breathing more through the worst part of the contraction to make sure he got oxygen. I had been clenching down and holding my breath. The next two contractions he was perfect. Perfect perfect. It's amazing what our bodies can do!! Henri's heart beat was actually a perfect picture of health the whole time. My blood pressure was great, we were so blessed to have God's protection over our health. Even throughout pregnancy we were practically complication free, praise God.

At 11am my mom made it to the hospital (huge thanks to my brother in law for picking her up). It was so great to have her there, and it was just in time. Josh, Debbie, and my mom went and got some lunch while Tim and I continued with nipple stim to keep things progressing. When they got back Debbie came over to me and said, your mom and I were talking and we think the name is Henry. I just smiled and said, "where'd you come up with that?" and in my head I thought, "how in the world?? we haven't told a soul!!"

I was back in my position on my knees with my body hanging over the head of the bed. We had talked about pushing positions already and I was super direct about letting everyone know how much it hurt to be on my back. So they brought in a squat bar and gave us a print out of different positions, which we had practiced in Bradley, but you really kind of forget most things at this point, so that was really helpful. The pain was really intensifying at this point...Debbie asked Jenn, "when can she start pushing?" and Jenn replied, "when she's in a lot more pain that this". I wanted to punch her in the face. But instead I just got louder...I don't think she realized how much pain I was already in. I've broken several bones in my life...and never cried, except later when the dumb radiology techs made me straighten my arm with a broken elbow....I digress...

At some point I told Debbie I needed to push, she said maybe we should wait until Jenn got back...and I don't remember this, but apparently I snapped and said "NO!" So Debbie went and got Jenn. :) During this time I was still on my knees over the bed with contractions really strong and about 1 minute apart. After each contraction my body would go completely limp and I would sort of "fall" and then wake up. yep. I was taking 30 second naps between contractions. My body was at the end of all it could take.

Finally I was screaming loud enough that Jenn decided to check me again. I'll never forget the feeling I felt when she said I was "complete". I was so relieved, so happy, my head fell back and I let out the most joyful sound. Finally!!! this was it! I kept asking them to call Dr. Chao. In my naivete I thought that once you start pushing it's like minutes before the kid is here! No no...try 1 hour and 40 minutes of pushing. She had plenty of time to get there. Sometime during this transition to pushing Tim was helping me be as comfortable as he could with cool washcloths and rubbing my back, pushing in on my hips during the contractions...and he soon realized that this nightgown I was in was just getting in the way. So with my okay he stripped me down. Modest little me was au natural for the whole room to see...

Tim was right by my side as we pushed. His poor knees on the tile floor...me gripping the back of his neck and digging my left foot into the crook of his arm. I didn't realize it until later, but suddenly about 5 extra nurses appeared. Little did we know we had gained a following of natural birth cheerleaders throughout the floor. They sort of wanted to just come see and be a part. Had I not been so tunnel visioned I might have cared and said no, but I'm glad I didn't. They all ended up being so helpful and encouraging.

We started pushing in a side-lying position. After a while we switched to sort of a sitting squat. Whatever...it worked. At some point Dr. Chao got there. She got a sheet and wrapped it around the squat bar and had me pulling myself up with it as I pushed. Each time I pushed I would hear "this is it!" "this is the one!" "he's right there!" I wanted to tell them all to shut up unless it really was "it!" But Tim told me later that it just really looked like that was it every time! I would take a deep breath, push, push, push, maybe more than 3 times each time. And then I'd have no strength left and I'd fall back and say that I was sorry. I'm not sure who I was sorry to... They'd all laugh and tell me not to be sorry and told me I was doing great. Someone told a joke: "what did sushi A say to sushi B? WASABI!?!" everyone laughed except for me. I told Tim to never get me pregnant again...I was trying to be funny...but I was also serious. At one point I think Dr. Chao had her instruments ready for an episiotomy and someone mentioned that the birthplan said no episiotomy. I regained all consciousness and spoke right to Dr. Chao and said, "you and I talked and I said if I'm going to tear badly then cut, but if I'm just going to tear a little then leave it." And she said, yes, that's exactly what we decided on. But instead she just used massage for the whole time we pushed to help avoid having to cut. That brought in a whole new kind of pain...like a stinging burning pain...but I knew it was better than a cut or tear.

A few times while we were pushing the nurses had me feel his head...so much hair!!! It was encouraging to feel him and know how close we were. I kept thinking, why doesn't someone just pull him out!!? Finally, toward the end of one push I felt the "ring of fire" and I knew this was it.

As he came out Dr. Chao realized the cord was wrapped around his neck, twice! She quickly maneuvered him out of this tangled mess and then what happened next is our absolute favorite part of the whole thing. Someone took my hands and brought them down to Henri...and I delivered my son with my own hands.

I carried him right to my chest and told him how much I loved him. He was absolutely perfect and completely worth all 39 1/2 hours of labor. I'd do it all again in a heartbeat for him. Tim told everyone his name was Henri Morgan. Henri because we share Danish heritage and Henri Nouwen is one of my favorite authors. Morgan after Tim's grandfather.

Most of the procedures were done while I held and breastfed Henri, then after about an hour Tim got to hold him for a while. Soon they realized his breathing was a little labored, so they had to take him to the nursery for about 4 hours to suction his lungs.
Tim stayed with him the whole time. By the time they joined me in the postpartum room I had fallen asleep for the first time in 2 days. When they came into the room I was so groggy and out of it...like when you fall asleep on vacation and then wake up and forget where you are. When they said, "here's your son"...I honestly did a double take. I sort of forgot I had a son for a minute. Funny right?? :)

We went home the next day, Friday, at 7:30pm. And now we're a family of 3. 4 if you let Norm make the cut. :)

We're so grateful to God for the beautiful gift of our son. He's more perfect than we could have ever imagined.

Waiting....

2012-01-03T09:28:00.000-08:00

I've been off work since the 23rd. and if our little man is right on time, I wont go back until early March...It's so WEirD! Luckily I've had lots of holidays, crafts, and projects to fill my time with. The hardest part is just being home alone...watching my belly bounce around and wondering if that tinge of pain was a contraction...nope, just a stomach cramp from drinking lots of water. Or THAT one...nope, probably just had a lil fist stuck in my pelvic bone or something. At least Norman is a snuggle bunny who stays close to me all day long. :) He's kept me motivated to walk almost every day to hopefully move things along for an early delivery! I'm suddenly very aware as of last week that I have to push this kid out. It's been really fun being pregnant and growing and feeling so much love from everyone around me. But being pregnant has to end...and it has to end with some (0r a lot!) of pain...so I hear...But I also know that it will be completely worth it once we hold our son for the first time and see his handsome face.

So to fill my time, today will be a cleaning and organizing day since I've got the high chair pad finished, rocking chair covered, and curtains all done! yey! Tim's grandma's chair has actually been inherited by Christa, but she's graciously loaning it to us for a while. here's some before n after action. I'll post more pics of his room once I've got it all set n ready. :)

Maybe I'll make a pillow if I've got some extra energy after cleaning and steaming the wrinkled curtains we hung to replace those wretched vertical blinds we had. Who ever invented those horrible things?! Tempted to go rent a steam cleaner for the carpets before my mom visits...but then making Tim to the work part. :)

Just a few more things to get...more burp cloths, infant insert for the ergo carrier, extra changing pad covers and waterproof pads...this n that. Then time to research where he'll go for childcare for April, May and June. I wish I had family close...but I know it will all work out.

Time to close the computer and get busy! :)

Shower in Long Beach

2011-12-21T19:26:00.002-08:00

My amazing college girlfriends threw me another shower here in Long Beach. Kristin and Morgan planned from afar (Seattle and West Hollywood respectively) along with the amazing Debbie Namain, who opened her home to 17 or so of my favorite women here in Cali.

We had fun with the giant chalkboard Debbies kids use to express their creative selves, played some super original games, and ate some AMAZING food. My favorite game was one where all the guests wrote down answers to questions and I had to guess who wrote the answer. Some examples:
Q: What is one thing the baby will do that will terrify Chelle?
A: "Eat meat while shooting guns."

Q: What is one thing Tim will do that will annoy Chelle?
A: "Film the baby's temper-tantrums instead of helping out"
A: "Only buy squeejay white V-necks"

Q: What is something baby Squeejay will do that will make Chelle proud?
A: "Plant his first plant/garden"
A: "love others well. be generous. recycle."

Here are some photos of the day. It was awesome.

Showered with love

2011-12-09T05:14:00.000-08:00

Hi! What do you do when you wake up at 4:30am, an hour before your alarm goes off, and you're starving and you're mind is spinning with what you have to do today?? You blog of course! :)

So Tim and I have been soooo blessed by the generosity of friends and family at 3 different baby showers! We have inherited SO many hand me down items as well from Tim's buddies and their wives growing up and recently a friend at church just gave me about 15 fuzzi buns among other things! (If you're a hippy-greeny type mom your jaw just dropped...I KNOW!)

Our first shower was in Oklahoma and I had NO idea it was happening. We scheduled a trip in August before I had to head back to work for the school year.
On Saturday, Tim and I went to lunch with my second family out there and were all geared up for a day in Guthrie Oklahoma with Christi, Joe and Elle on our way back from lunch. But when Valerie and Maris pulled into my sister's driveway we saw a woman and a small boy running into her house! Me, being a brat sometimes, thought immediately..."what? she invited friends? I just wanted to have family time..." And then we saw the blue balloons blowing around on the lamppost in her yard and it sunk in...it was a surprise shower! I suddenly realized why my sister was so adamant that I borrow a pretty blue dress to wear to lunch instead of my jeans and t-shirt!
I started crying immediately. All of my favorite Oklahoma women were there, some from over an hr drive away. It was really really special.

Here are some photos....of me crying (happy tears), of this awesome OKC firefighter shirt his Great Uncle Chris bought him!, and of some really amazing women. Thanks for giving us such a wonderful gift of love sister. (and mom and aunt becky and gramma too) :)

More to come later on other showers...it's now time to get ready for the work day, and it's FRIDAY! :)

Home Alone...

2011-10-09T09:15:00.000-07:00

Welp, I just dropped Tim off at the airport for his week away for work up at headquarters in Cupertino. Of course, I miss him already and am not quite sure what to do with myself this Sunday morning. Which is super silly because there are several times when he has had to work on a Sunday or a Saturday and I had more to do than I could dream of getting done! I think just knowing that the person your life has become one with is so far away for so long makes you feel a little less like yourself.

BUT! I have resolved to be productive and active and enjoy this week as much as I can while I miss him. I plan to....

1. Order fabric for the baby's room crafts (pillows, curtains, crib bumper, rocking chair covers, changing pad cover)

2. Wrap up the last section of my thesis and send off to my chair.

3. Take norm to the vet to get him on some meds that may or may not have a side effect of "death". We've been holding out and keeping him on a special diet of chicken stew (I had to call my mom to remember how to cook a chicken!) and yogurt...but we're gonna break down and give him drugs if he doesn't get better. :(

4. make a few christmas presents with my crochet hook

5. read lots

6. practice my violin and guitar

7. take no-man (as baby aubrey calls him) on walks to the park

8. try to muster up the energy to cook myself some actual meals...I don't like cooking for 1.

9. figure out the swim hours at cal state's new fitness facility...if i'm gonna pay for 3 more semesters to get lil squeej into the CDC I might as well take advantage of the perks right?

10. face time with the handsome man I love.

Helloooo Norman.

2011-09-10T10:53:00.000-07:00

We are crazy people. We got a puppy! He's precious and full of life and will be nibbling your toes one minute, tearing through the house with a toy the next, and will finally collapse in your lap and snuggle. The snuggling also includes some snoring, but it's mostly cute.

We picked him up in Norman, Oklahoma. Hence his name. My mom and grandma watched him for about a week before we got there and I think they thought he was their new grandson (despite the fact that a very human grandson is growing inside me for them to spoil with love). He had a vast array of toys already from his gma and had gotten tons of snuggle time in with them. He was probably traumatized when his new parents made him ride a plane/sit in an airport for 6 hours (layovers suck) after having a big house and a puppy friend to play with for a week.

Now that we're here in Cali he's very much at home with us. We have wanted a dog since we got married but couldn't have one anywhere we lived. So we decided Norm would be Tim's bday present, and our Christmas present to each other. It's been really funwatching him figure out what things are...like stairs, or the shower, or my yoga ball. He put his paws up on it this morning and walked around the living room for a bit like a circus dog. Now if only I could teach him to fetch the mail and pay the bills and fold the laundry....

Here we are on a walk to the bank. He still has some shots to get before he's okay to roam free on a leash in the neighborhood...so we made use of the baby bjorn. He actually loved it. Except when there were other puppies he wanted to go sniff... :)

Bixby Knolls

2011-08-21T08:02:00.000-07:00

So we moved...again...for the last time (we said that last time) until we buy a house!! :)

It was a daunting move because I am, of course, pregnant and couldn't do much heavy lifting and Tim works on the weekends, which is when most of our friends can help, PLUS he has 2 hernias and can't lift much either. So we sent a desperate plea to our friends and were overwhelmed with their love and self-lessness. At one point I ran to get pizza for dinner for everyone and by the time I came home boxes were being UNpacked in every room...and these people only signed up move stuff from one place to the next! We have such amazing friends.

We absolutely love our new neighborhood. We're 2 blocks from Trader Joes, and 4 blocks through the neighborhood to an awesome park with jungle gyms (in oklahoma we call these "big toys", which I never realized was so un-clever until I was made fun of in CA) tennis courts, basketball courts, wide open space, a fenced in dog park, and a duck pond. We can't wait to put squeejay in the stroller and spend time there as a family of 4! Yes I said 4. We'll also have a cute little canine in tow in just a few days! We're also a 15 min walk to our church and live next to some beautiful homes in Bixby Knolls...so walks are fun as we compare favorites and admire beautiful places and gardens.

Here's Tim on our maiden voyage to TJ's for groceries with our granny cart! (soap box moment, I think this this new 10 cents a bag thing rules because people should have been bringing their own bags long ago, BUT I think the 10 cents should go to a non-profit for the environment or community...not back to the stores...they were profitable businesses before the ban on plastic bags and paid for those bags all by themselves...but alas, the rich corporations get richer...k, I'm done.) The last picture is from TJs parking lot and I was dying laughing.

So at my sister and mom's request, here are some photos of the new place...nothing much on the walls yet and squeejay's room is sort of the "where does this go?" room, but we're on our way.

View of the house (it's so easy to call this place a house! it's a building with 4 units, but it's so much more of a home than any of our last places...so we call it our house. :))

Living room shots

Tim's office is the desk + the closet next to the desk. The closet is (almost) entirely his for his business stuff which is a treat for him to feel organized and have his own space. (don't judge blurry pics pls)

My daddy's artwork we found up in my parents' attic last year. How did these treasures go hidden so long!?

Our Bedroom. Planning on ditching the verticle blinds for some nice curtains once the year-long+ search for a duvet I like is successful. So picky I am...

Baby's room! Our friends, Ben and Kim, blessed us so beyond belief with ALL the stuff in the pack and play, and the pack and play itself, and all the books on the shelf, AND more that we just couldn't fit in our car in one trip. We feel so fortunate to have them in our lives. They've given our kid a great start already!

Teensy bathroom!

Dining room with flowers from the lovely Prouty family.

Kitchen. We LOVE the kitchen. I'm pretty sure the previous tenants must have trashed the place because if you haven't noticed yet, with the exception of the bathroom, it's all pretty new. New carpet, new tile, new sink, new stove, new fridge, new granite counter top...so nice.

The "Bar" corner of the dining room.

The AWESOMELY huge backyard! Well, for CA this is big. And we've already hosted some fun times back here with our array of lawn games. Can't wait to host the next bday, shower, BBQ back here. It's such a great space. Our land lady's a gem too and said we can put a garden anywhere we'd like, just as long as we share. :) Hoping to get that underway sometime soon along with a good compost system.

That's it! I'll definitely update as the baby's room gets underway, but here's a sneak peak at some swatches I've been eyeing...

Love, Chelle

Belly Ethics

2011-07-23T07:31:00.000-07:00

I have to say, people are BOLD when it comes to pregnant ladies bellies. I always heard stories of strangers rubbing bellies or asking if they can hold your baby (strangers!!!) but it comes to a whole new level of crazy when you're the one receiving the attention.
The photo is to appease my sister's request...Tim would be appalled at my horrible camera skills, plus you can't smile for real when you're doing a mirror photo like you're a 12 yr old on face book...it feels weird.

Tim and I planned to wait until 12 weeks to let the world know and finally couldn't keep our excitement in that long and started sharing pretty openly around 9 weeks. I'm glad we started telling around then because if we would have waited until now it would have been impossible to know how to react to the following:

@8weeks from a college friend: "your boobs are HUGE! are you pregnant??" (gotta love chelsea's boldness. :))

@10weeks from a co-worker: "I don't mean to insinuate anything, but it looks like you're going through a few changes..."

@12weeks from a stranger on the street when we were looking at her apartment for rent: Me: "oh it's a one bedroom, sorry we need 2", her: "yeah, plus you're pregnant, you don't want to live here this summer it gets way too hot". I don't even know you lady!!!!

@12-14weeks from various co-workers: "are you carrying something?" the oh so bold "are you pregnant", but mostly overhearing me talk about it with another person and then hearing all the "I was going to say!" or "I thought so, but I didn't want to say anything until I knew for sure" types of comments.

@13weeks from one of my therapists: "um, pardon me, but um, congratulations" :) he was so nervous to say anything!!!! :) I guess that's a scary thing to say to your boss.

and my personal favorite so far...
@14weeks from a parent I used to work with and haven't seen in almost a year: "HI! Do you have somethin' goin on down there?", while pointing to my belly.

I've had two unexpected belly touches, but at least from people I know and didn't mind so much...although one tickled my belly and started talking baby talk to it...sort of jokingly but weird nonetheless. I'm sure it only gets better from here on out! :)

Squeejay's 12.5 week photo shoot!

2011-07-16T09:37:00.000-07:00

Are you ready to see the cutest little fetus in my whole uterus!??

^^Mermaid fins!^^

^^fist pump like a rockstar!^^

So, apparently we're having an angry alien baby. EEK! The tech explained to us that bones reflect the most sound waves and his/her skin is still translucent. SO, when squeejay looks right at you (above pic) all you see are the bones under that cute little nose and mouth...which makes our baby look like it's from another planet. But that's okay, we still love you squeej.

Big Money Decisions

2011-07-16T09:09:00.000-07:00

Yep, I know it's taboo to talk about money, but 1) if you're reading this I probably know and love and trust you, and 2) people should be more comfortable with talking about money in my opinion. and this is my blog. so there.

SO, with big change comes the need/opportunity to make big decisions in life and for us this has involved some serious numbers crunching.

Baby is on the way==>do we need a bigger place? when?
Baby is on the way==>my 2 door civic is already uncomfortable for me to get in and out of. Add 25 lbs to that me and then add a baby in a car seat being fit in the back like a tetris piece every day and Tim will have a very frustrated wife who needs lots of backrubs.
We don't want to rent forever==>buy a house? when is the right time? how much do we want to spend/do we need?
Not 100% positive we want to be in LB long long term==>rent bigger now, buy later when we're 100% sure about things?
We HATE our neighborhood right now (crime is skyrocketing, parking's wretched, and we currently have "baby's room" set up right where the dumpster will roll through the alley in the early dawn hours and others will rummage through for cans and finds all night long==>move to awesome 2 bedroom with a yard that Tim found in Bixby Knolls by church??

Phew! Well, we've made a few of these decisions. Yes, we're moving. We find out Monday if we got the place in Bixby Knolls. It's a 4plex, not a 16 unit building. We can have a small dog, a HUGE shared back yard, go on walks in a safe and quiet neighborhood, and PARK OUR CARS!!! and if you're a friend who we invite to visit for dinner, you can park your car too!!!! oh joy, what bliss!!! :) (we currently walk up to 1 mile+ some nights because there are just TOO MANY PEOPLE downtown. and they're angry people. and we're becoming angry people back. we gotta get out.

Tim and I have decided in our marriage to split certain responsibilities up rather than share in every task. and I'm the money manager. Mostly because I'm a control freak. Which can be bad in relationships, but it's a huge advantage when I'm figuring out our budget or calling credit card companies once a month to get a lower rate and a higher line of credit, just cuz I feel like it. Or when I notice a $5 fee that is arbitrary and I march my assertive little self down to chase bank and tell them, no thank you, you can give me my $5 back, thanks so much! with a smile on my face.
I recently found myself having a brilliant idea! (a rare occurrence) and feel compelled to share it here. We accidentally overlooked a portion of Tim's new benefits package that automatically signed him up for health benefits. This is bad because I already have him on mine and with the school district it's free (for baby too! so awesome!), not so bad because Tim's payment is only $30/paycheck. BUT we can't de-enroll til November. :( So we decided, we'd go without something we don't need for the amount of time it takes to make up the difference. Netflix rule, but we don't need it. Plus they just upped their rates by $5 a month. So, back atcha Neflix, we don't need you for 7 months. We'll read books and go on walks and crochet and watch hulu for free once House and Parks and Rec start up again (waiting very impatiently). We decided to do this for every "woops" in our lives. A traffic ticket, you name it. It felt like a really smart and good decision. Kind of punishing ourselves, but also rewarding ourselves long term by staying on budget and reaching our goals on time. :)

We also stopped by the Volskwagon dealership last night. We REALLY REALLY have our eyes set on a Jetta TDI wagon. 48 miles/gal people! lots of room, comfy interior, and 4 doors for the family we're growing into! We spent 2 hours there going back and forth on options to bring our price down, bring our payments down. They tried to get us to lease. Said 0% financing was unavailable on a TDI (which it wasn't when we looked less than a yr ago) and kept telling me we could afford the $470 or $437 payment they wanted me to sign off on. Which was very frustrating for me...they don't know our goals, my student loan bills, our other financial commitments. If I want to give $2000 to charity every month then I can and that's my business. What I can "afford" is entirely up to me, and I wasn't being listened to. I was SO proud of us when we finally said, "well it looks like you've done all you can to make this work for us, but ultimately it's obvious that this car is just beyond our means. It was our ideal car, but we don't need the perfect car, there are lots of options that are thousands of dollars less that we could get better financing on. Thanks so much and have a nice night". It felt good!
On the way home we talked about finishing the last few payments on the honda and selling it by owner to get a bit more for it and...are you ready...sharing one car for a while. Tim's work schedule is 8-5 forevermore so I can totally drop him off and pick him up. We'll save $300 a month without our honda payment + what we sell it for + about $100 on car insurance until we have enough to pay almost all cash or at least a huge down payment for a new car. If we get the apartment we want, it's also less than 10 miles for Tim to ride his bike to work on a nice day. I just want to wait until summer's over so baby and I can have air conditioning through the heat!

Welp, that's all. Just wanted to pat myself on the back for making what we feel were good, wise decisions with the money God's given to us. Now onto disability benefits for maternity leave and finding a good affordable daycare for the spring time! :)

It's Summer!!!

2011-06-17T16:54:00.000-07:00

Ok. I know it's not officially summer according to calendars for like, 1 more week, or something. But to me, today was the first day of summer!

1. The kids were out of school. I still had to show up at my office but it was so nice to be at an elementary school and hear absolutely nothing but the soft sounds of my keyboard clicking and the clock ticking.

2. I bought lemonade from a bunch of kids on the way home! This picture isn't of those kids, they were a few years older, and my cup cost 50 cents...but it was tasty!
I'm so excited for beach time, bike rides, sun bathing, gardening, lawn games, yoga on the bluffs, popsicles, and pool parties.

Happy Summer everyone!

Tim's first Father's day

2011-06-11T07:30:00.001-07:00

June 18th, 2011

It's Tim's first father's day tomorrow!We got to see the baby last week on an ultrasound for the first time...it's little heart was pumping and looked like a little radar blip on the screen. It was a moment for me where reality sunk in just a bit deeper. There's a tiny human inside of me! you're the one making me so sleepy and irritable! But how could I be mad at a little lima bean.

Happy Father's Day!!

Just a virus...

2011-06-08T14:47:00.000-07:00

blogs are meant for candid, open, spilling of maybe even somewhat embarrassing secretive things...right???

I've been sick for a long time now, about 3 1/2 weeks...I'm in the coughing stage. Fits of coughs that at this point make my abs hurt (at least I'm getting some sort of a work out!) and last uncontrollably for up to 2 minutes as I pray for relief. Here's the embarrassing part. Every time I cough like this, I pee a little. EEk!! My poor pathetic body just can't take it all. Every ounce of strength and energy is spent up as my lungs trying to fight for a deep, clear breath of fresh air and apparently my bladder just doesn't care anymore. Does anyone else have this problem? Am I doomed to the bathroom for the next ? weeks until I'm fully recovered? Sadly? this is just a virus...so despite 2 trips to the doctor's and one 3hr long visit to a clinic, I'm without the magic pills that make everything all better. Just drinkin fluids and resting and researching whether the people behind fuzzy buns (baby re-usable diapers my niece uses) make an adult size.

someone comment so I don't feel ashamed! (christi....please.)

2011-05-30T15:48:00.000-07:00

I made a sweater! see?

Clearly it is not for me....and maybe I'm hoping a little baby girl will be needing a sweater this January...if not, we're going to have a pretty lil boy rockin this beauty. Took me about total 16 hours. No joke. First time you do a project is brutal! So much trouble shooting. I'm hoping now that I've learned some things the hard way and re-crocheted about every piece of this sweater 8 times I'll be in a better groove for the next one. :)

Everyone at work is pregnant!

2011-05-25T16:46:00.000-07:00

I swear...as I count down the days until we're telling everyone (still draft blogging ;)) It seems like each new week another woman at work is preggers. Who's going to take care of all the kids at school!!??? They'll just have to fend for themselves I guess. Four of my colleagues are due in November, 1 any day now, and 2 in July, so at least I'll be able to hold down the fort until January or so...I just might call it quits after winter break to be honest...let someone else take over for a bit. :) Even my office mate confessed to me today she wants to get pregnant...but mostly to get out of a crazy caseload and bounce out on maternity leave...also she really wants to for real reasons. :)

Tim's been so sweet. I've had a nasty cold the last 2 1/2 weeks and when I wake up coughing at 3am he goes and makes me a cup of tea and asks me if I need anything...last night he said he was just practicing for when a baby is the one waking us up. Ha! you'll get over that real quick mister. But in the meantime it makes me feel real loved.

There's something in the water...and the air, and the food and the everything.

Oh Baby.

2011-05-22T18:53:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I'm JUST getting to "journaling" about this. We've known since, well we suspected, since my birthday...the day our little surprise was made. May 5th a test was negative, May 8th I took another just to be totally sure. Then...on May 14th we got a positive. So at this point, as I write this on May 22nd, I'm already 6 weeks pregnant (confirmed by a blood test at the doc's). He/She is the size of a lentil and is growing ears and a nose and arm and leg buds and is losing his/her tadpole tail right now.

I bolted that same day to get myself some vitamins and some books and have been reading and researching non-stop since! We definitely were not planning on this. We thought we wanted to wait to travel a bit more, let me get my BCBA, hopefully buy a house first....BUT nothing in life is what you expect or plan for exactly. So, we're due January 19th...and we're excited.

For Now, we're calling him/her SqweeJay. It's a silly name Tim came up with a long time ago for his first child someday. Luckily, the name won't stick around after birth...but in the meantime it's a small consolation I'm willing to make to avoid scarring our child for life. :)

So on my to do list:
1. find and move into an affordable 2 bedroom apartment (away from downtown and with parking and on site laundry)
2. OR figure out how to make our 1 bedroom work for the first few months of baby's life and save the extra 600 a month for a portion of daycare!
2. gather up as many hand me downs as we can and figure out what we need to buy
3. decide on a name
4. start swimming at the pool and doing prenatal yoga (already got the yoga goin)
5. tell everyone! (this is just a draft post now...muahahaha I'm so sneaky)
6. buy/borrow some maternity outfits for the fall (I shouldn't be too big for my jeans until late August.)
7. figure out daycare options/nanny options
8. figure out how my whale of a body is going to fit on a plane for Christmas in Oklahoma this yr...(i.e. figure out another plan for Christmas this year)
9. gather up all the wisdom we can about pregnancy, birth, and the first year of parenting from all our friends and family
10. start crocheting some teeny little sweaters for our lil lentil

away we go!

The Wilderness Calls

2011-04-18T20:04:00.000-07:00

We're going camping!! It's our anniversary week and my birthday week next week. It's also my spring break and Tim got the whole week off work, so we're heading up to Yosemite. We've never been together before and we cannot wait!! We've spent some bday/anniversary money on some new gear and clothes...I've planned a menu (see very organized chart below)...and we have our guide book with tons of awesome hikes laid out to explore. Now I just have to get through the next week of work as I eagerly await our trip!

Yosemite 2011 Anniversary Trip Menu/Grocery List
	Meal	Groceries	Total Quantity	All used for
L1: Mon Lunch	Cheese Quesadillas	Cooked tortillas	10	L1, L3, D2
		Cheese	1 large bag	L1, D2, D3, D4
D1: Mon Dinner	Shish kabobs	Mushrooms	6 whole/6 chopped	D1, B1
		Pearl onions	6	D1
		Zucchini	1choppedL/2choppedS	D1, L3, D4
		Bell Peppers	1choppedL/1sliced	D1, L2, L3
B1: Tues Breakfast	Omelets	Eggs	4 raw/4 hard-boiled	B1, L4
		Spinach	1 med bag	B1, L3
		Onion	1chopped/1sliced	B1, L2, D4
L2: Tues Lunch	Veg Brgr Sandwiches-3	Veggie Patties	3	L2
		Bread	24 slices	L2, D3, L4, L5
		Hummus	1 container	L2, L3, D3
D2: Tues Dinner	BRC Burritos	Rice	1 container-precooked	D2
		Black Beans	1 large container	D2, D4
B2: Wed Breakfast	Yogurt + Granola	Yogurt	4 cups	B2
		Granola	1 med bag	B2, B4
L3: Wed Lunch	Veggie Wraps
D3: Wed Dinner	Hot Dogs-4	Veggie Sausage	4	D3
B3: Thur Breakfast	Oatmeal	Oatmeal	4 packets	B3
		Dried Fruit	1 small bag	B3, B4, Snacks
L4: Thur Lunch	Egg Salad Sandwiches-4	Egg Salad	Pre-make salad	L4
D4: Thur Dinner	Chili	Garbanzo Beans	½ can (premixed)	D4
		Kidney Beans	½ can (premixed)	D4
		Diced Tomatoes	½ can (premixed)	D4
B4: Fri Breakfast	Granola and Fruit	Soy Milk	3 cups in container	B4
L5: Fri Lunch	PBJ’s-3	PB & J	Prepackaged	L5
Snacks		Trail Mix	1 bag
		Granola bars	4
		Marshmallows	1 bag
Drinks	Hot chocolate		12 packets
	Coffee		12 oz pre-ground
	Creamer		1 container
	Wine		4 bottles
	Water		5 gallons
Kitchen Supplies		Salt & Pepper
		Chili spice mix		D4
		Shish kabob sauce		D1

Goals:

2011-04-14T20:43:00.000-07:00

I like writing out my goals. A good friend in college used to always ask me what my goals were and it threw me off guard at first. I was more concerned with the here and now...but then I realized, that way of thinking/living can be so stagnant unless you have someone in your life pulling you forward. So since then, I try to write out my goals. Tim and I did this together last weekend. Here are just a few from the list of things we hope to accomplish before the end of 2011.

Both of us:
1. Start composting again
2. Add 3 more planter boxes with food to the rooftop garden
3. Make all of our Christmas presents
4. Summit 1 14er
5. Ride bikes to church more often (this will be easier now that its spring time)

Tim:
1. Build adirondack chairs
2. Get a passport
3-7 or so are business related stuff for FlickerFilms

Me:
1. Read 1 book a month
2. Finish my thesis!!!!!!!!
3. Enroll for my BCBA
4. Play Handel's concertos for violin well
5. learn photo basics (Tim likes this one especially)
6. relearn guitar cords and 1 song
7. brew kombucha
8. surf a lot this summer
9. be able to do the splits. :)

Here's to living well!

Spring cleaning, gardening, resting, creating, learning.

2011-04-12T17:38:00.000-07:00

There are times when I have to think of what to say on a blog and there are times when I have way too many things to pick from to share! My thoughts have been buzzing about and our lives are full with good things, I just love spring and the season of life we are in these days!

Cleaning:
I'm the type of person who actually enjoys cleaning and organizing, not because the task is fun, but because I REALLY enjoy the finished result. Few people can fully appreciate the picture below because I forgot to take a "before" shot, but if you saw our storage room before this past Sunday you saw literally a room that you couldn't walk through. If you took two steps in a row in any one direction you were on top of a pile of something. And then! I convinced Tim that with a little beer and good music it just might be fun to clean. :) We actually had lots of fun finding a place for everything. I actually said when we were finished that I kind of just wanted to hang out up there. Just sit in all the wonderful organization of our camping gear and instruments and luggage and snow sleds and books. :)
Tim and I have this misfortune of both being VERY particular people when it comes to certain things. It's something we both work on especially in our marriage. One of these areas is our aesthetic style preference, but the saving grace is that we both have VERY similar styles when it comes to interior design. :) He got something we've both been oogling for a while.

A mid century modern wall unit. He's badly needed a "proper" work station to be able to edit films and work on his business in the new apartment. So we invested in a few pieces of what we hope will eventually be a full wall unit. It's so pretty!

Here are a few more pics of the place now that we've rearranged a few pieces and gathered up some of our favorite things.

And of course, now that spring is here and we're feeling more settled in our place, we're ready for planting season! These are the winter crops we transplanted (chard and spreckled bib lettuce) plus some basil and a tomato volunteer a friend gave to Tim for the warm season. (ha, warm vs. cold in CA is laughable). Hiding in the back is Tim's project, a bonsai tree. I've learned the fun fact that "bonsai" isn't a type of tree, just a style of pruning/gardening. Any tree or shrub can be a bonsai. This one was sad inside the house, so we're trying to revive its spirits out in the wide open sunshine of our rooftop. This weekend we hope to get about 3 more planters built and filled with veggies and goodness for the spring! Also I have a little succulent garden in the house....probably the only plant that could survive in our little corner by the alley. :)

Our real hope for gardening is to be able to grow almost everything we eat. If you know me well you probably already know this, but when people ask me why I'm a vegetarian the really real answer is "because I'm a Christian". This isn't to say you're a sinner if you eat meat. You're not, and I get into trouble here with quite a few people...but honestly, I don't think that ALL Christians have to come to the same conclusions and life decisions to still be in keeping with scripture. BUT, for me, in today's society with all its complexities and corruptions and complications, the most simple way to be sure that the daily and necessary action of eating food honors God is to be a vegetarian. I won't get into it here...I want to...but I wont.... :)

Other than these small, but lovely things, life is really good. Tim and I celebrate a year of marriage in a few weeks. It's truly something wonderful to celebrate. I've loved being in a space of reflection lately over the past year and where life's brought us. I feel like we both busted our butts under the weight of society and the world and now we've been given a season to rest, and grow and create and explore all the things we've always loved but have been too busy and crazy to pursue. We're reading Dietrich Bonhoeffer's biography for a life group at church, cooking up new creations in the kitchen...Tim got a camera with our tax return that we hope to take camping in Yosemite soon, and a neighbor gave us a record player so we've been enjoying Dylan and Junip and JT and Elvis Costello on vinyl all the live long day. We also spent part of Sunday writing out our goals for ourselves and for our family for the rest of this year. I think spring is a good time to let the things that winter let lie dormant come back to life and grow.

Life is really beautiful.

prune and grow

2011-03-26T17:42:00.001-07:00

I had a four day weekend this weekend. Before you get too jealous I should explain that it was a result of furlough days, so I didn't get paid. But nevertheless it was nice to just relax and it felt like a surprise on Friday night when I realized, "wait, today wasn't Saturday, tomorrow is Saturday" and on Sunday night when I realized, "I don't have to wake up at 6am tomorrow after all!"

On Saturday I spent a large portion of my day at my all time favorite coffee shop in Long Beach, Viento y Agua. A lovely friend sat down next to me and we had little snippets of conversation throughout our time there. At one point we were discussing our attempts to simplify our lives, and she said something more profound than I think she realized for where I am and where so many of us are in life...

"prune and grow"

Tim and I had a pot at our old studio filled with mint. Mint is an extremely invasive plant. Technically, by nature of being "invasive", it is a weed. We never found enough recipes to use it all up before it grew to the point of choking itself out. About once a month it would begin to shrivel and wilt and brown. The leaves became smaller, bland tasting, and on their way to death. We discovered that all we had to do was cut it back to only a few small leaves that would catch the sunlight and feed the whole network of roots and vines. We would bury all the other vines and roots except these few leaves and give it lots of water every few days. Then, without fail, in a few weeks we would have a pot full of lush, bright green, flavorful, fragrant mint with huge, healthy leaves.

As of October of 2010, for the first time in at least 8 or 9 years, I have 1 job. Just one. I wake up at the same time of day 5 days a week. These days I have one schedule to manage, one paycheck expect, one roommate to coordinate lives with, and the list goes on. I can remember the days of 8 hours driving all over so cal working for the agency, and then changing clothes as I drove over the Vincent Thomas Bridge from PV to put in 6-8 hours at the restaurant and coming home without an ounce of energy to let my roommates or friends know I cared about them...and then waking up to do it again. All the while jumping on any chance to babysit and pick up some extra cash to make ends meet. It all created a world in which I was subhuman. I am so grateful for the good gifts God has given us in the last year. For blessing us with the chance to live a more simple life.

While I was sitting next to Aly Saturday at the coffee shop I was crocheting a scarf. She starting talking about the rarity these days of hobbies, at least for enjoyment's sake alone. Even our hobbies can become chores, projects that hover, or another avenue of making some extra money. I have no idea who this scarf will be given to. I had no need for it. I have no deadline. I just like to crochet. It's relaxing and fun. I have to fight the urge even to want to fill my life with more hobbies. :)

Prune and grow.

I think when we allow our lives to just fill and fill with extra obligations and tasks and projects we begin to die. And every area of our lives is affected and begins to suffer. Nothing is full and rich, but everything becomes dry and lifeless and tired and stifled. But if we can refocus on the 2 0r 3 things we want to pursue, we'll flourish and grow and become better people for the world.

back to my scarf...

being sick=slow down

2011-02-24T13:06:00.000-08:00

So I've got this awesome track record of getting sick on 3 day weekends since I started this new school job. Fortunately?? this time I'm sick into the week...so I've got some time off of work instead of just no weekend. Unfortunately, no one does my work while I'm gone...it just grows and waits for me. So my fabulous husband drove me to my office this morning, as my head was too much of a balloon to trust my driving skills, and I got my laptop and a pile of files and I'm workin from home. Right now I'm on a break. :)

In other, much more serious news, I miss my family so much right now. My gramma just underwent a heart procedure and has encountered a few complications along the way. She's stable now and called this morning to update me, but I hate being 2 thousand miles from her at times like this. My niece is growing up faster than I can imagine and I'm missing all the important things like first steps and first words. Basically, I wish we all lived closer. This isn't a new dilemma or an easy one. But Tim and I have started thinking about options. Until now we've just vowed to make a large financial commitment to see them a few times every year. That alone isn't easy, but allows us to remain in our church/friend community here in Long Beach and keep our jobs, which we both love. But we also wonder if waiting is just postponing the inevitable...

No easy decisions to make. We'll keep praying for wisdom for now.

sometimes silly things just hit you in a way that seems really profound

2011-02-03T16:36:00.001-08:00

like when a kid on my caseload points for the first time, or says "Go", or waves and says hi without any help. It makes me want to jump up and down and cry tears of joy.

or when you go get coffee at the place on the corner in front of our new apartment and the sweet little owner lady is so happy to see a new face and when you leave says "see you tomorrow!"

or i get to sit at a table in a dining room with my husband for a meal and then go to ANOTHER room to watch one of our favorite show (parks and rec) on hulu before bed.

or you realize that you're doing a good job at your job and that your boss is happy about what you're doing and is somewhat impressed. (i can be insecure sometimes)

or you spend your last night cleaning your old place drinking beer and getting into a passionate conversation about politics, the economy and social norms with your landlord...who distracts you from cleaning until 10:30 pm and ends up on his hands and knees scrubbing floors with you.

Just little things that mean a lot.

We're Moving!

2011-01-17T20:03:00.000-08:00

We lived inside of a 350sq ft box for all of our marriage thus far, and now we get to stretch our legs and have a bedroom! I can't wait!
Here's a stroll down memory lane for those of you who have journeyed with us in what we lovingly call "casa hermosita".

Here's Tim installing our kitchen floor. The place was a hole when we first moved in. But Tim is a talented talented man. He redid all the floors, rebuilt a wall in the bathroom and I was the lucky helper who got to roll the cast iron tub out of the room on a skateboard so he could redo those floors too! It was very much "ours". But 9 months of sharing a full sized murphy bed is 9 months too long. Our marriage has definitely been strengthened during this time. Learning how to live simply, compromise, be patient, and many other lessons were brought to us during this time.

But now we get to MOVE! Our favorite thing about the new apartment is that we can have friends over! Like, more than 2 at a time! We're excited to have a home we can share with others and have dinner parties and game nights and celebrations in.

We have private rooftop access (we're the building managers), and Tim has space for an office in a separate room, and we have a kitchen that 2 people or maybe even 3 or 4 can stand in at a time!!! It's like a mansion! :)

We can't wait to have you over to watch a sunset and enjoy dinner with us.

"I fell down"

2011-01-05T19:57:00.000-08:00

When you have a giant, blue, fiberglass arm people ask you the same question. Strangers and friends alike want to know "what happened?". As much as my creativity could have run rampant here, my tired and lazy response over the past month was "I fell down". If you were a close friend you heard the long story, but basically, I did just that. I fell down and broke an elbow. My ulna to be exact. And thus, for a month, I was forced to "be gentle to myself" as the dear Mrs. Prouty put it.
Soooo, I read a great book compliments of a pastor/friends recommendation Surrender to Love. I clumsily and slowly knit nothing bigger than a coaster, but managed to crochet a few hats for some beloved children and family (you only need one hand to crochet!). I politely asked my loving husband to do the dishes each and every day after he cooked almost every meal for me (such a wonderful man). and I learned how to put my contacts in with one hand all by myself when I had limitless hours to get ready in the morning. I was definitely forced, despite my hard work ethic and general inability to just sit, to be gentle to myself. It was nice.

Here's a pic of the day I got the cast on. It was actually on the day of our 2 yr anniversary from our first official date. So, since the doc was in LA, we went back to the same restaurant from Dec. 10, 2008, Toi: rock and roll thai food. So yummy.

I'm back to work on Monday, full force. sort of. Thanks to everyone who's kept me company in the meantime and gone on "hikes" (walks) and helped me do laundry! :) I promise to do my best not to fall down and break any more bones. Or at least have a better story next time.

cheers!

really really beautiful life

2010-10-24T19:08:00.000-07:00

it's been rainy for the past week here in Long Beach. I love it so much. And I always hesitate when Tim talks about moving to Seattle maybe someday, mostly he loves that they allow goats as pets :), and also all the mountains and green forests to explore. I think I need sunny days, but this rain is bringing out a very introspective, quiet part of me that I've been too busy to entertain since...maybe right before I started dating Tim! I really have been living in crisis mode for a long while now. Working long hours at unsatisfying jobs, unsure of where life will take me, not feeling totally known by any one person....
But this quiet, soft rain, paired with the season of life I find myself in recently is really really beautifully at peace. It's like the world is just as it should be. At least my small corner for the moment. I love my new job. It's not without it's craziness and drama and inefficiencies, but I feel totally happy there. Forever. The weight of these things are sinking in slowly. As I was talking with my mom picking our insurance policy options I was seeing things like "will cover Access transportation" which is for people in wheelchairs and I initially thought, yeah, we don't need that. But then, we might, in 35 years when I retire...from this job. Unless we move, this is exactly where I want to be in 35 years. It's weird! and awesome.
Tim and I have also been really free lately to do the things we love. Climb mountains, work in the garden, ride our bikes to the farmer's market, cook dinner together, enjoy our evenings together, lead a lifegroup at church, spend time with family. It's been so good to relax and enjoy life with him. And realize that everyday I get to know him a little bit more. Marriage doesn't magically enlighten you to know everything about a person the minute you say I do. I knew that before, but I'm realizing it in real life now...and realizing it's up to me to actively pursue that.

life is very very beautiful. it always has been, and always will be.

Road Trippin

2010-09-18T09:42:00.000-07:00

I've driven the 13,000+ miles along I-40 between Oklahoma City and California 15 times now. We always say that we'll make the road trip a part of the fun, but every time, as soon as we're behind that wheel, we just want to "get there". This last trip I drove through a torrential rain storm complete with a lightning show in the darkest hour of the night. My mind convinced me there were tornadoes all around so I called my mom at 4:44AM her time and asked her to check weather reports for whatever stretch of nothingness we were in the middle of at the time. No tornadoes, just rain and streaks of light and my fearful imagination. But I have such an awesome mom. She stayed up and chatted with me for a good 1/2 hour while the hubs snoozed in the back so he could take over in Flagstaff. This pic is of a sunrise on the road. I love the sky.

The highlight of the trip was Miss Eleanor Jaquier Ann Earley. Our beautiful niece.
She does this amazing thing when she looks at you. Upon first glance she checks you over, once, maybe twice up and down. Then she locks eyes with you, a grin breaks out on her precious face, and then...her eyes widen and brighten as she's overwhelmed with how adorable she knows she is and she rolls her eyes and turns away with a squeal of happiness. It's the best thing in the world.

My sister has earned super mom of the year award in my opinion for being an amazing matron of honor in our wedding while caring for Elle just 6 weeks after her birth. And now, to top it off, she's recovering from back surgery with so much grace and patience as she also figures out how to take care of a newborn and all the new challenges that brings. But with a baby as awesome as Elle, I bet it is full of joy no matter what the challenge.
P.S. Can't wait for Tim to be a daddy. I mean, yes I can. I can wait 4 more years.

Off the Grid...or on our way

2010-08-14T15:53:00.000-07:00

Tim and I talk all the time about someday living off the grid. Solar energy, grow our own food, recycle grey water for watering the garden, raise 2 goats for cheese and milk, get some chickens for eggs, bike everywhere we can....
He was talking about it again last night and I found myself wondering, is this possible in an urban area? I've seen/been a part of really great attempts or steps towards it.

But I found myself thinking, we've got to move to the wilderness...to an open space of land, like the central coast, or washington, or canada.And then my heart drops at the thought of leaving our friends, our church. AND both of our jobs require us to be in the city to an extent. And we love our jobs. SO, we've got to find a happy medium.

For those of you asking, WHY? The reasons are endless. Environmentally: using electricity and water from reserves and non-sustainable sources just isn't going to last. If we have solar power and electric cars, we could also reduce our carbon footprint there. Health reasons: in addition to the healthy nutrients in all vegetables, home grown veggies are uncontaminated by hormones, antibiotics, and genetic modifications. Also the hard work a garden requires gets you out in the sun for your Vit D and it gets your body working. Also, riding a bike is not only exercise but really really fun.
Politically: our government has it's hands so deep in our lives is ridiculous, and when it all comes down to it, money is the driving force. Won't even mention oil. Did you know that when you buy seeds to grow food, you can save the seeds from the tomato you grew and plant again the next year. And this is the way the human race has survived for centuries. But now, Monsanto and the US government has worked very hard to patent those seeds. Seed saving is a crime! It's absolutely ridiculous. Go watch Food Inc.

For me, this lifestyle brings me to life. It brings me closer to God. It makes me more fully human.

Someday we'll have a goat named "Bacon" (that's if Tim has his way). In the meantime, we've grown a pretty killer garden. I can't wait to eat that giant yellow squash tonight with dinner. :)

Bucket List

2010-08-08T17:41:00.000-07:00

No surprise that I'm a list person. But I've actually never made a list of things to do before I'm X number of years old. Here goes. I think I can accomplish everything here by age 40.

1. Run a marathon in a beautiful place (like Big Sur)
2. Buy a house
3. Install solar panels on said house
4. Fuel electric car with solar energy collected from panels
5. Start a family (2 kids and 1 husband) :)
6. See the northern lights, preferably from Norway, but Alaska will do
7. Summit all of CAs 14ers
8. Complete a triathalon, just a sprint distance
9. raise chickens and a goat
10. Stand up on a wave for a legitimate period of time
11. See the east coast
12. Go to Canada
13. Go to Portland
14. Learn to play the guitar, better.
15. Plant a vegetable garden

I think that's a good list for now. :)
#s 5, 7, and 15 are well underway.

Thoreau

2010-07-19T21:06:00.000-07:00

from Walden
"I learned this, at least, by my experiment; that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. He will put some things behind, will pass an invisible boundary; new, universal, and more liberal laws will begin to establish themselves around and within him; or the old laws be expanded, and interpreted in his favor in a more liberal sense, and he will live with the license of a higher order of beings. In proportion as he simplifies his life, the laws of the universe will appear less complex, and solitude will not be solitude, nor poverty poverty, nor weakness weakness. If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them."

I think the beautiful thing about marriage that I'm discovering lately is that I have someone to share this with. And if one of us is more naturally inclined to dream and the other more naturally a worker, then we each get to pull each other towards our life-giving dreams and in the beautiful work of building a foundation for that future. And when your dreams are not merely dreams for worldly success, but dreams that attempt to live as God intended...to return to the original order of this creation...then the building of that foundation together is restorative and healing and beautiful.

art that inspires us....

2010-06-19T08:54:00.000-07:00

We had dinner with some friends the other night, and conversation came to our church's renovation project. I was initially on the side of being as frugal as possible, caring less about the aesthetics of the building and more about the amount of food we could buy for the hungry with all that money. It's been a hot topic at our church for a while...with the project being delayed and significantly scaled back from original plans. Our friends who had us over for dinner are very talented artists. She paints, he takes photos. I love just staring at their work, and find myself scrolling through his website fairly often. My husband is an artist, my dad taught art...

Our conversation somehow sunk in and stayed with me for the next week and I found art all around me. And I realized how much it makes me come alive. I still feel a strong tension about how millions of dollars should be spent by the church. And there's much more to the debate than this post is really about. But at the very least, I was opened up to a different way of seeing things this week.

Here's some art that inspires me. Praise God for giving his creatures the gift of creativity. May we be moved by it.Jonathan Anderson: http://www.jonathanandersonpaintings.com/work/grounding/image-html/Historia.html

A friend of a friend makes digital art from mathematical equations, it's trippy, but I like this one.

http://www.cafepress.com/stonecrop

we went to San Onofre last weekend with friends and made silly sand art.

mawage

2010-03-28T22:45:00.000-07:00

so my journal's in the car and i'm lazy bones in bed reading a book on marriage, just left my life group on marriage, drinking a pacifico and thinking about....mawage.

pastor lou and laurie heusman said some good things tonight in our q & a lifegroup time.

conflict:
from ephesians 4
1. act, don't react. rather than feeling angry and retaliating, chose love, forgiveness and understanding. instead of doing what is most natural (reacting) chose to move toward the other by the power of the spirit.
2. keep it current, never let the sun go down on your wrath...or at least set up an appointment for the next day to discuss it, so you're not forced to settle things when you're tired and emotional late at night.
3. attack the problem, not the person
4. speak the truth in love

closing words:
open yourself up to be changed by your marriage. it is a golden opportunity to be changed.

read paul tripp's words on expectations in marriage.

in marriage, our goal is to see the other flourish. if i'm living my life outside of myself and my (and my spouse's) happiness as the goal, then my purpose and goal is to see flourishing, and when i can be an agent of that flourishing. rather than seeing the personality and character flaws in our spouse and pointing them out, we should study them, learn them and help them to grow in their strengths. catch them being wonderful people and tell them.

also learned his first home with his wife was a motor home he bought in seminary for $5G's. makes my little love shack not seem like such a teeny space for two newlyweds.

about 26 days to go i think....and i'll be a wifey.
nancy and i were carting around costco today grocery shopping while ryan and tim made a commercial for their new business "long beach production company". i couldn't stop giggling at how married i felt. it made me happy. i bet that's a good thing.

Count down to I DO=36 days!

2010-03-19T13:58:00.000-07:00

I went for a dress fitting yesterday, and the guy asked me, "so you ready to get married???" It seemed like he was used to hearing apprehension in the voice of girls that come in to get their dresses done. It was really fun and just freeing to shock him with a "hell yes!". I'm reading a book right now, Fit to be Tied, by the Hybel's. pretty good. next on the que is a book from the lovely Kim Wilson "Created to be his Help Meet". Also really enjoying our life group at church with newlyweds and start our pre-marital couseling this weekend! It's a good reminder that we're not just planning a party. It feels like we are constantly being reoriented to the reason for marriage. Our officient/friend has also brought us back to that several times in our meetings. It is so good to feel like we've got so much support from such wonderful people.

Here's a sneak peak at some photos from the engagement shoot. you can view more here at http://www.twinlenslife.com/2010/02/first-date.html

Tim's friends Brian and Brandon did an amazing job. I can't wait to see what they do at the wedding!

a heart of gratitude.

2009-12-08T10:23:00.000-08:00

You'd think after all the research i've done on virtue theory and moral emotions that i'd be a pro by now...
The other day I took the time to read the past few months of journal entries and saw a trend of general pessimism and negativity. I saw daily stress and unexpected, expensive events as legitimate reasons to feel completely defeated and helpless. And i remember praying several times to God to give me a true spirit of gratitude. I knew that I could muster up a list of reasons to be thankful...but I longed to feel truley, naturally grateful for life.
I wish I could say that I arrived at this state even in the midst of all my trials. Of course, it came later as I was relieved of some financial burdens, as I drove the car purchased to replace my wrecked one, and as I sat in a warm, loving home that has recently been opened up to me...and after my landlord decided he was going to help us clean our apartment to rentable condition so we could get back our deposit, and then proceeded to wash our cars for us (who is this guy???). But regardless of how I came to this peaceful and grateful state, I was recently asked by a friend who sat next to me in church, "how's life?" and I paused and sincerely answered, "really really good". he was suprised at my enthusiasm, and so was I.

God is so good to us, even when we are so untrusting and humanly afraid of the world.

count 'em...10

2009-08-21T16:07:00.000-07:00

meet the bridesmaids! i forgot to take pictures of them before i dressed them up...but you shouldn't want to see them in their underpants anyways!!! :)

Susie, Hanna, Chelsea, Morgan, Kristin

Christi, Christa, Sarah, Kamian, and Allison

One Big Update

2009-08-19T11:19:00.000-07:00

It's been just a little while, so I thought I'd catch some people up...

First and most exciting...Tim and I are engaged!! He proposed on top of Mt. Zion near Pasadena on August 1st. It was the first place we'd ever hiked together last November. We were conveniently alone on that first hike, but still just friends then. This time there was a surprise waiting for me at the top...you can read the full story soon on our webpage that is yet to be created. :) For now we're enjoying all the fun things that come with being engaged and waiting patiently for April to come. we currently make bets on a weekly basis with the stakes being how we will be announced on the wedding day. When I win, we will be introduced as Mr. and Mrs. Chelle Stephens. or Tim and Chelle Neilsen in the unlikely event that he wins. I've lost twice so far...

In other news...I'm still working for ACES and feel very confident and happy there. I'll probably be there for a few years while Tim finishes up school for Media Productions. He's shot some really beautiful weddings lately and created a promotional documentary of the Colorado Lagoon's Art Walk a few months ago. I've watched each video multiple times and continue to be shocked and impressed at his talent and creativity!

We recently went home to Oklahoma for the weekend and saw all kinds of fun farm animals, listened to old records with Dad, rock climbed at my favorite spot, and spent some great time with family and friends. and found out that I'm going to be an auntie soon!!!! I'm still working on Christi to let me dress up baby Earley and stroll it down the isle in a wagon. :) Mom and Gramma are beaming and dusting off their rocking chair that they restored years ago in anticipation. :)

Life is very very good, and I'm so grateful for so much. I'm also reading a wonderful book, To Heal a Broken World by Rabbi Sacks. It's inspiring and challenging. and that is what I crave in life. you should read it. you'll become a better person for it. :)

that's about it...more pictures are on Tim's facebook if you want to see our seattle trip or a picture of an Oklahoman buffalo. :)

take care friends.

unlikely surroundings.

2009-04-20T21:20:00.000-07:00

i realized about a week ago that my first case in the mornings is just a short jaunt off the LA river bike trail. and so I head out for about 10mi each way on my morning commute. It was a glorious ride today. I saw bunnies, lizards, native flowers, terns, cranes, horses, egrets, glistening waters....all off of the LA river bed. who knew? this is one corner of my world that keeps me sane lately...the beauty of the earth.

grace and peace be with you friends.

it's been a while...

2009-04-16T11:03:00.001-07:00

So i've obviously been busy lately...leaving little time to the interwebs. and i love it. if you're still reading out there, i'm amazed. :)
life is really good. i have much to be grateful for...as always. Tim and I are on day 16 of a 21 day daniel fast. i want coffee...he wants beer. but it's been good to practice discipline and sacrifice these past 2 weeks. my character feels stronger. :) I've also been getting more hours with aces, which has given me a lot to think about/experience...and then try to integrate into my real life. It's funny how we do this...i've always been perplexed at the varying levels of sharing we all do regarding work. In fact I was asking a friend a little about work last night and the more i probed into details the more closed up he got...not because it was confidential or rude, but just out of the ordinary for anyone to car about the mundane details. On the flip side...when I desire to share about my work day I often censor or summarize myself into a trite little statement about whether it was generally a good or bad day. I think I've been taught that this is polite...when people ask about your day, they may or may not want a real answer, and so the art of conversation (i've gathered) is to decide how much they really meant to ask that question. I usually opt for an easy out for them so they don't feel weird. But the problem with this is, my work is intense and it gets inside of me and messes me up a little. on good days it gets inside of me and makes me rejoice for these kids who are learning how to make contact with their world. But I can't communicate that, 1)because my story telling is too detailed and lenghtly to ever stay on the safe side of social politeness, and 2) it's illegal for me to say too much...confidentiality and all....wa wa waaa.
anyhow, as i reconcile this my prayer is to really care about these kids and their lives. to figure out how to be a professional teacher to them, but also a loving person in their lives who longs to see them talk and laugh and play freely from the restraints of thier disability as they would in a new creation.
that's about it for me these days. this song was sung at church on easter and I have loved it for a very long time. it makes my soul groan with the groanings of the earth to be restored.

I see the King of Glory, coming on the clouds with fire;
The whole earth shakes, the whole earth shakes.
People of every nation kneeling to confess your name;
The people sing, the people sing.

Hosanna, hosanna,
Hosanna int he highest!
Hosanna, hosanna,
Hosanna in the highest!

Until you come in glory we are called to spread your name
By bringing truth, by bringing hope,
Bringing your restoration, bringing life where death prevails.
And all will say, and all will say;

You will finish all you have begun
When Christ returns in glory and your kingdom comes,
So help me live a life that points the way to your throne.
BREAK MY HEART FOR WHAT BREAKS YOURS,
EVERYTHING I AM FOR YOUR KINGDOM'S CAUSE,
Living for the day when you restore the world.

take care and live well friends.

these days

2009-03-02T10:58:00.000-08:00

these days im working about 7 days a week between 3 jobs...still waiting on job 4...the autism gig to kick in once the dept. of justice determines that i am in fact not a threat to small children. in the midst of lots of hard work though i am so grateful. for fun dates, an ice cream cone at rite aid, warm weather, silly valentines from my sister, bike rides, life groups, wonderful roommates, and time to be productive.

a big kid job.

2009-01-30T00:02:00.000-08:00

that's right. i'm growing up. I start training next week to be a behavioral interventionist for kids with autism. wooohooo. thanks for all the prayers and help from friends and family. i'm excited for a new adventure in adulthood. that's it for now. my feet and body are tired from a day of shrimpin'.

pieces.

a shadow mission

2009-01-17T01:17:00.000-08:00

So sunday Lou talked about our mission, how our mission is tied to our identity and spent some time in Ephesians 1 showing this. and then he read a quote that described what happens when we fail to follow our mission...we default to a shadow mission. It's often not 180 degrees in the wrong direction..but five or ten....and over time, we end up very far from the place or mission we're intended to be on. and along the way "we betray our deepest values while the world goes to hell."

I sell shrimp. This is my existence. sure i do other things...and for a while i found a great deal of meaning and purpose in my time at different non-profits and hospitals, in my community and my church...in being a vegan who is a vegan for humanitarian and religious reasons of care and compassion...i value much and for a long long time have been sustained by the belief that these things matter enough to keep me going.

these days i'm depressed. i feel like with each day i'm further and further from where i'm really supposed to be. bubba gump shrimp company for 2 and a half years??? are you kidding me??? sure it pays bills...sometimes. and of all the places to exist in survival mode, it's as good as any i suppose....but what the hell??? this goes well beyond monotany or burn out on a single thing for too long. it's not what i'm intended to do. it's not what i want my existence to be. I feel like running away and joining the peace corps again. but this time it's not to escape unrequited love or awkward friendships or sheer boredom...its because i NEED to be helping people. i don't feel inspired. i don't feel pushed. i've said this privately to people who are close enough to me to see past what seems to be arrogance, but here goes public internet people...i'm sick of being admired, i want to be challenged. i don't want to convice myself that life here is good and purposeful for me based on the evidence of x y and z. i want to run whole-heartedly to the corners of the world where God's people are in real need. i care very little these days for a traditional life of marriage and family and financial security and success and prestige. i just want Jesus. I don't care what city i'm in or what country i'm in or what degree i have or how big my house is or how much human love i'm even surrounded by.

my people pleasing tendencies re-read this post with a sensitivity to my close friends who are my support and community and inspiration...and because they're my closest friends i trust that they'll recieve these words with grace and understanding....so i won't edit or apologize.

where are you Jesus!!!!!? why is anita back in the hospital?? why do the hungry still wander the streets? why do i exist??? why have i experienced pain?? why am i a narcissist???????? why do you hide your face from your people? why does this world value money and fame? why does pain and suffering spread like a disease???

Lord, have mercy on your children.

today i am more healed and whole than i was yesterday.

2009-01-07T09:58:00.001-08:00

the last 12 hours of my life have been filled to the brim with kindness and tender care and concern and overwhelming love for and from the people closest to me. A wonderful talk with a wonderful man last night slipped into deep slumber which was awakened by a roommate's gentle hand on my shoulder waking me up for prayer. We didn't want to stop praying. Man God meets us in those morning hours. It's crazy beautiful. My soul yearns for it. We picked another roommate up on the way to viento where i was reminded for the thousandth time that i live with and around some incredible people. who love whole-heartedly and actively work to become better people...not for pride's sake or prestige or admiration...but because love is our goal. love and not fear. love and not pain. love and not apathy, not greed, not complaint, just love. love that heals and grows and stretches and forgives and asks and receives and offers and nurtures and creates. Thanks God. I'm grateful beyond what words can express.

the colonel, denzel, and anita.

2008-11-21T10:06:00.000-08:00

about a week or so ago allison and sarah and i had an incredible night. we sat on the stoop talking for an hour about our hearts and souls and there was healing and growth in that time as we all sat bundled in blankets....that moved into the living room for a dance party to noah and the whale that just can't be described as anything but freeing. and from this whole evening came two truths for me to recite every morning as i begin the day. One is that I will see the image of God in everyone I meet today. it's truly transformed how i treat people...and it's not a new idea...but it feels like it.
So with that intention I go to Hillcrest yesterday morning and discover it's Ron's birthday! 61 years! we sang to him and i quickly adapted the content of the activity to revolve around his birthday...it was a blast. Sadly, Anita's nurse never wakes her up and gets her ready in time for group these days. :( but occasionally i get a glimpse of her in the hallway and we have a short visit before i jet off to work...so i see her today and ask her how she's doing. Now it's important to know that we often go on "camping" trips together where everyone gets to bring one thing and we go in the circle and try to remember every item...and anita ALWAYS brings her man, denzel washington, and somehow someone ALWAYS manages to bring kentucky fried chicken along. ???? i love it.
so anyways, the conversation goes as follows:
me: hey! how you doin anita??
anita: i'm doin good, just got my shower, ready for the day. think i'll go campin (with a sparkle in her eye....her good eye. :))
me: oh yeah??? what are you gonna bring?
anita: denzel of course.
me: how bout a bucket of KFC??
anita: oh you know i'm finger lickin good!

freakin made my day.

take care friends.

peace.

last but never least, Taylor

2008-10-20T11:26:00.000-07:00

So for the past year and a half the leading man in my life has been one Taylor Andrew Parker. yesterday at church I got a little paranoid...it was as though Pastor Lou had read my journal the night before and was reading it back to me and 700 other people from the pulpit. The sermon was on friendship and more specifically listening...one distinct point was that a friend creates a safe place for the other to speak, where you are not trying to fix, change, or make them more like you, and this is where truth can be manifest. rewind to saturday night...I came home at 1am saturday night and sat down to a heart to heart with taylor (one of thousands) and before i went to bed wrote this, "it seems like your truest friends end up being the ones that create an atmosphere of such unconditional love and acceptance...a safe place in your interaction that often times as your speaking you are able to realize truths for the first time as they fall out of your mouth in the form of words. Taylor has been that friend for me so many times, where i realize the true state of my heart in the middle of my conversation with him because i'm not editing and i'm not self consciously worried about whether or not i've processed something...i'm just free to let my heart be exposed and known."
Taylor, as i'm sure most of my friends already know, is a tall lanky man who loves plants and birds. :) his life's work and energy are spent saving natural habitats, and restoring them with native plants so that endangered species will survive and flourish. he loves humans but feels most comfortable with his hands and feet in the mud...and he's been nicknamed mogley in the house, because his white european feet have been stained black.
he's also my date for coffee 3 times a week beginning today on csulb's campus so that i can FINALLY bust out this thesis that's been haunting me.

so there you have it...allison, sarah, taylor, and me. at allison's church last night she was asked to share about what God is doing in her life specifically with respect to her new living situation. it was a great moment of perspective for me...because for the past month i've just been basking in all the things that are good. just been busy being stoked about my roommates and my habitat and home...and she was so focused on a vision. it got me thinking about louise, the elderly landlady that lives above us...what's her story? is she lonely? does she like apple pie and knitting? and the guy who walks all 4 of his rat sized dogs by our house every night...and the churches and parks that meet around us, and the garden we have to share, and the music nights that happen so often and so spontaneously...and how that should be shared and how others have lives to share...

anyways...i'm excited for our housewarming next sunday night (please come!) and the colliding worlds of these 3 wonderful people i'm so grateful to know.

for those of you who live around the long beach area, we'll be hosting prayer at 6am on wednesday mornings for anyone who would like to come pray, and you're more than welcome to come. also in that spirit...please come over and visit anytime. we'll probably be cooking or chatting or playing music or knitting or getting riled up about a presidental election i'm sure...it'd be great to have you over.

meet sarah

2008-10-13T20:22:00.001-07:00

Meet Sarah.

When i first moved to long beach i hated it. i wanted to get back to san diego as soon as i was done with school. in those early weeks/months i went to a church up in monrovia and met sarah. we started reading The Irresistible Revolution, by Shane Claiborne together with another girl named heather and a coffee shop at 6am every week. that coffee shop became a favorite spot for me even now and sarah's place of work...and now this wonderful woman sleeps in the room next to mine. Today sarah and i went on a few adventures. Dressed in pj's an apron and cowboyboots, me in ou slippers and a scarf made by my sister, we set out to get groceries and house plants. and along the way shared stories about our high school days, our cars, our love lives, families, passions. it's funny when i realize that i've known sarah more than i've known anyone in Long Beach. i remember days of real sadness. i don't know about depression...but feeling really alone here and driving from 507 E31st street at 6 am through the rain and feeling like this girl was the only person in long beach who really listened and really shared her life and really cared about some of the same things i cared about. so thank you sarah. you are a beloved and admired friend.

Casa Hermosa

2008-10-01T09:17:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Casa Hermosa. Home to Taylor, Sarah, Allison and Me. :) After a year and a half in my old place, I'm slowly discovering and appreciating so many things large and small. Like walking barefoot in my house, sitting on a couch in a state of complete relaxation, so many bikes we need a whole room for them, roommates who double as friends, live music all the time, walls filled with books I cannot wait to read (Pilgrim at Tinker Creek by Annie Dillard was my first recommended choice...thanks allison), records playing, sunlight streaming, candles burning, laughter happily waking me up. I love it. I'm so happy. It is a beautiful house.
Meet Allison (or what I've learned thus far):
Allison was the random newby to my life. Sarah sprung this surprise a week before move in, "I think my friend Allison wants to share a room with me...." God bless you Sarah. A week ago we went on our first adventure just the two of us, a run down 2nd St., two days ago we rode bikes to the pool for a swim early in the morning, last night we played Can't Help Falling In Love With You together on violin and guitar...but i was on guitar and she was on violin...it sounded wretched and i almost peed myself with laughter. She is a wonderful woman with a gift for taking small windows of time and turning them into treasured moments of revelation and wonderment. She also has a wonderful deep belly laugh that makes me want to settle down and hang out for hours. She's a world traveler, whether for pleasure or as a bicycling tour guide through Europe. She also grows lots of tiny plants on our porch and plays the banjo. I'm sold.

There was a time in my life when i had reached max capacity as far as close friends go. I just decided I had given all I could give...and recently I've decided, that's lame.

I held a 7 pound bundle of miracle for 2 hours today while talking to a wonderful friend I met just 2 years ago. I'm not sure if my chest was covered in drool or sweat when he finally woke up but I do know that I don't care. I guess I'm just faced with a lot of inconvenient and expensive trials in my life lately, but they're wonderfully sandwiched in between moments of gratitude for roommates who tackle me with love hugs, a boquet of lilies from the farmers market that's been changing blooms for 2 weeks!!!, people who challenge me to be more like Christ, family that prays fiercly for me, and old people who really seem to love to listen to pete n chelle's music time (possible band name "better than ice cream").

conclusion:
God is good. All the time.

the times they are a'changin.

2008-09-09T22:59:00.000-07:00

I'm facing a few changes in the next week...and lately i guess in general. and find myself in a place i often find myself in the midst of changes...somewhat of an identity crisis. although this time, compared to the past at least, i don't feel at all in crisis...just reflective and maybe cautious. what do new possessions, new homes/places, new roommates, new people and relationships mean? or more specifically, who am i as a result? questions i'm continuing to ask and hopefully being honest with myself about...search me and know me God...and maybe clue me in if you can.

In other news...on a short cruise down pch tonight with my beloved roommate i was encouraged to continue to challenge what seems normal. i've been frustrated lately that what's become routine has possibly lost significance or its ability to engage and impact me because it's become routine...but not because it's become less. being accessible to those around me (to God around me) is a recently resurrected idea. hmmm, so pete and i play music at hillcrest...and i remember the first time we rehearsed together i was on this crazy high...it felt like the first time in forever that i was free to just jam. i love playing concerto's but somehow there's much less freedom in bach's 3rd than a spontaneous rendition of Hey Jude for me. but after a few months of this...it's become a little normal...and has since lost a bit of it's glamour...until a new patient starts singing along and visibly enjoying it. then i get another hit of satisfaction. WOW....why the hell am i doing this? MY SATISFACTION!? ew that's gross. I HATE MY NARCISISSM!!!!!!! Lord I am so human it's disgusting.

Thank you for loving us. I have no idea how you do, but i'm confident of that truth. Thank you for the times that I am rewarded with a smile or a thank you or a moment of encouragement, but PLEASE open my eyes to my tendency to look for personal satisfaction and fulfillment in the work you've called me to and my selfish manipulation of a good thing. Open my eyes to the corners (or chambers) of my heart that i would rather not see. to broken relationships that i would rather ignore, to decisions that i would rather close my eyes and make quickly, to painstaking truths that i would like to see through rosecolored lenses. thank you for people in my life who very evidently live close to you and earnestly seek truth...and want to bring others to that place.

thank for love that i do not deserve.
amen.

the wilderness

2008-08-17T23:18:00.000-07:00

I just got back from a trip with some old college friends to yosemite national park. We spent a few days camping and hiking up to half dome. it was glorious and physically strenuous (which I thrive on) and beautiful and restful (in the sense that we escaped responsibility) and just liberating. I love the outdoors and I love being in them for extended periods of time, especially in good company. A friend on the trip perked up his ears when I mentioned the idea of doing the John Muir trail...he's actually doing the entire Pacific Crest Trail beginning in April and I just might join him. 2650 miles from mexico to canada....about 5 months to finish.

here are my thoughts...on the one hand, heck yes. that sounds amazing and exhilarating and this is probably the last time in my life that i can as far as time and commitments go. I keep feeling the urge to get out of the country or move to a new city or work in an orphanage somewhere...maybe what i need is 5 months in the wild. and it would be a great last adventure before grad school gets for reals again for another 4-5 years.

on the other hand...5 months is a huge chunk of time. there are all sorts of logistical hesitations like $ and storage for all my crap i wish i didn't have but can't just toss/sell. and while it sounds exhilarating it also is something that seems like it'd just be for me. and i don't think i'd be happy doing something just for me. i don't think i need a big break before i start learning how i can best give again, because giving isn't exhausting to me, it's what makes me come alive. so i think i'd feel not just guilty but empty if i was camping for such a long time. i need to be investing in the lives of people who are in need.

sort of in the same way that new years resolutions irritate me. if you want to change something in your life, why do you wait until january 1st to do it. just do it. right now. I think i'm just antsy because i seem to have found a place/church/people/and potential education and career that i really love and am happy with and am experiencing God in...and i don't think I'm supposed to leave any of it. but i feel like after you finish school somewhere you're supposed to move on...but Long Beach feels relatively permanent...for now. :) anyways...maybe the pct...maybe just john muir...either way i love the wilderness and the solitude and perspective it gives me.

God's creation is SO good.

the girls

2008-08-13T21:10:00.000-07:00

i'm sitting in my room. my room that was perfectly clean 24 hours ago. now, i'm surrounded by clothes and beach towels and shoes and suitcases overflowing and the chair i'm sitting on is draped with someone elses jeans...and i love it. The girls are in town. Kristin and Morgan are staying here tonight, tomorrow we'll join chelsea and some other friends from college for a trip up to the top of Half Dome. I was on the beach today with Kristin...in the middle of my scribbling into a journal she asked what I was writing about..."you". I love these girls so much...so much that I'm not at all surprised when plainly asked what I'm writing in a journal and not at all hesitant to answer in detail. When you have friendships like these you just don't have words to describe them, and I have no formula for how to make these kinds of relationships manifest themselves again. but i'm ridiculously grateful.

total strangers.

2008-08-01T23:45:00.000-07:00

It's 11:45pm on a friday night, and I just came home from maybe one of the most beautiful human interactions I've had all week. I met Debbie and her children Ari and Hannah yesterday. We hit it off. It's been so long since I've felt so adored. That's the best word I have. Mutual affection...fondness, doesn't seem right...we all four just adored each other almost immediately. They invited me over for dinner and I gladly accepted. 3 hyperactive happy dogs welcomed me the minute I walked in the door with Ari, who had been pacing the lawn waiting for me before I got there. Dinner was beautiful. We celebrated the Sabbath together (they're Jewish), offered blessings (I listened...being that I don't speak Hebrew) and talked and laughed and told stories. Greg and Debbie are a beautiful couple who love each other so evidently. They have an incredible affection for their children...overwhelming hospitality...compelling thoughts about life and love and social justice...and just a wonderful home that put me so at ease. We even painted helicopters (the seed pods from trees that twirl) and kept the kids up way too late playing together. And I just met them yesterday. Not that I need ANY thing else to fill my schedule...but I'm eager to be a part of these people's lives. Babysitting these kids feels like a privilege. It makes me miss my family.

It's so great to know that good people exist in the world and that we have so much to learn from one another and to share in together.

June?

2008-07-06T23:05:00.000-07:00

I know you always hear different versions of "man time flies", but seriously...where in the begeezes did June go?

I have a lot of meandering thoughts in my head...lots of people in my life to appreciate...lots of camping trips to prepare for...lots of musical endeavors...and a kayak to finally take on a maiden voyage tomorrow afternoon. CAN'T WAIT!

I really love my church. We sang this together today...some things just seem to give language to your heart...

How sweet the name of Jesus sounds in a believer's ear.
It soothes his sorrows, heals his wounds, and drives away his fear.
It makes the wounded spirit whole and calms his troubled breast;
'tis manna to the hungry soul, and to the weary rest.

Dear name, the Rock on which I build my shield and hiding place;
My never failing treasure filled with boundless stores of grace.
Jesus, my Shepherd, Savior, Friend,
My Prophet, Priest, and King,
My Lord, my Life, my Way, my End,
accept the praise I bring.

Weak is the effort of my heart, and cold my warmest thought.
But when I see you as you are, I'll praise you as I ought.
'til then I will your love proclaim with every fleeting breath,
and may the music of your name refresh my soul in death.

amen.

Lois Ann Johnson is my hero

2008-05-31T08:46:00.001-07:00

When we're kids we scream out ridiculous things to each other like "DIBS ON THE BATHROOM!" well guess what, we start to do it again when we're 75 years old. Maybe my favorite person in the world has been here in Long Beach with me since last tuesday and I've already learned so much from her in the past few days, and i'm happy to add it all to the life lessons I have learned in the 24 years that I have been privileged to know my gramma.

1. Let yourself enjoy life.
...Whether that means that a trip to Vons for "bare essentials" includes hershey kisses, or that you just simply SLOW DOWN and take life in. My gramma needs me to walk alongside her now so she doesn't fall, and we walk about half a mile an hour...but it's been a nice change of pace. and while just me and g-ma were at the shark lagoon at the aquarium i watched her eyes wander from the animals to the laughing children screaming for their daddies to "come see!!" and then connect with another mom or grandma with a knowing glance that says something like...yeah, i know...these moments are treasures to be breathed and lived in.

2. You WILL look crazy, and when you're at your prime you won't even care.
...My grandma talks to animals. She does this on a daily basis at home with Tula the shnoodle...and to sea lions out in the open sea on our boat ride, lorakeets at the aquarium, sharks in a tank, or birds joining us at our lunch table at cafe ambrosia. she also waves to strangers driving by on john deer tractors on ocean blvd and fishermen on the docks...and acts SHOCKED when said fishermen don't wave back.

3. no matter how much you come to need people...there is no limit to the love and care you can give.
...for example, as much as she needs help walking or getting in the car or fixing her hair...she still wraps her arms around me and keeps me as warm as she did when i was 3 years old as we feel the wind on our faces out on the big blue pacific.

her life is beautiful...and even though my heart shrinks in pain when she starts to talk crazy about things like exactly how she wants me to grieve her when she's gone, and what little treasures of hers she wants me have when she dies...i'm determined to learn as much as i can from a wonderful wonderful woman of grace and poise and character, who is simultaneously feisty and stubborn and acts just like a little kid.

anita

2008-04-28T17:50:00.000-07:00

I've been at hillcrest almost a year now...and strangely, it's mostly been a positive experience. what i mean by that is that despite inner battles to find pure motivation, to understand guilt when i'm lazy or frustration when i'm out of ideas or feelings of ineptitude in general...i've received nothing but joy and have only grown as a person because i've been invited to share in these people's lives.
along with that i have been frustrated together with ron when he's trying to talk and i can't get it, and i've been angry when a wheelchair is broken and left unrepaired for over a month, and i've wrestled with the realization that these people are forced to live in a hospital where they're told where and when and what to eat...among other losses...i've been sad, but today my heart broke.
Anita is a beautiful woman. Ever since i've known her she's been unable to use her hands for most tasks, so someone has to feed her and light her cigarettes for her...but her personality shines through her physical incapacities. she's sarcastic and witty and bossy (in a loving way) and full of life and totally mentally present. Today she didn't come to group, but afterwards I stopped in the hallway to talk to her. all these wonderful things were gone from her. I wiped the drool from her face and placed my hand on her shoulder and looked into empty eyes. one has always been lazy, which is just another thing that contributes a bit to her characteristic craziness that i love so much....
my first reaction was to try to cheer her up...so i joked about her boyfriend (denzel washington) and fumbled through meaningless words all the while aching to see some life come back to her. it was so bad that i asked the nurse later if she was on heavy meds or something. it took me 3 full minutes to understand the single word "patio". we went outside together and it slowly sunk in deep that these people have a fatal disease. they're not getting better...her life is slipping away and i can't do a damn thing to stop it.
i came home a few hours later. my extremely perceptive and loving roommate pulled the story out of me...he offered very pragmatic approaches to help me understand and cope with it all...but im not concerned about me right now. and i'm not feeling pragmatic...i'm feeling helpless.
so i let his loving words soak in to my heart...welcomed a hug that i could rest in if only for a moment...and finally felt some peace when he pointed to the flower on the table, "look". a big beautiful white native flower with several buds beginning to burst open.

we live and we die...and we don't need to understand, and it's complicated, and we barely make it...but along the way there are small miracles...and if my eyes are open, life really is beautiful, right there along with all of the pain and disease and violence and suffering and theft and evil...there are wildflowers and symphonies and hugs and birthday parties and friends....

i'm not sure what to do with this habit of mine to take raw lament and shaking fists into the reaction i think i'm supposed to have...like saying "God is good" "He is faithful"...it seems as cliche as saying "don't worry, be happy".

Lord be with Anita. Bring peace and joy somehow. Show her that her life is beautiful. Have mercy on us all.

a city on a hill is made up of more than me.

2008-03-16T23:18:00.000-07:00

as i've ruminated on all of this stuff (see previous post) i've become a little insecure, hoping i haven't offended the people around me, wishing i had the guts to not be insecure...but also genuinely desiring to accurately represent them...and i'm not sure i've done them justice when i assume things like what they mean when they ask me about personal ethics and i peg it as a bipolarization of Christian ethics and rest of my life ethics...and i've been afraid (as always) of coming off as arrogant and prideful because i think i've figured it out. i am so far from it. i am a helpless, weak, emotionally swayed ragamuffin who needs grace. that said....

today's sermon was on the next few verses in matthew, "you are the salt of the earth...you are the light of the world....a city on a hill". alongside the wonderful realization that these are descriptive statements about our identity and not commandments to go and do, i was taken by surprise at the context of community that is used.
after last week's sermon and my subsequent whirlwind of thoughts i started feeling like the only way i could really live out this radical call is to leave my current location and go work in an orphanage in some foreign country, or join the peace corps, or just get stronger in my own personal convictions. Today i heard over and over again that on our own strength, with our own resources and vision and commitment, we will not last. we need each other, and this life that God describes as the natural manifestation of a life lived in God's kingdom is not meant to be lived, cannot be lived, alone. Someone in our group made the statement that they were relieved to hear that they are intended to participate in God's work alongside others who have the same heart, who are like-minded. I was taken back because i had had the opposite reaction: How in the world am I (crazy vegan, eco-concerned, homeless loving, hillcrest dwelling me) going to find people who desire such an unattractive (by this world's standards of beauty and materialism and individualism) life??? (i've been filling in for the activities director at hillcrest the past week or two, and as i was talking and joking with Anita the other day she looked me dead in the eye and told me I needed to get a life.) (i really like parenthetical clauses today by the way) and as i type this i'm hit with the conviction that the people around me do have the same passions and vision and desire to bear witness to the kingdom. and while my bent may be the environment, christa's lovin like crazy on inner city kids at west athens, and mary's taking care of pediatric patients for 12 hours at a time, and esther's behind the scenes planning huge church events, and the list goes on...

so i'm not so much relieved at the thought of a community as i am challenged. excited and ready for the challenge, to be sharpened by iron, and hopefully to be an agent of new thought and re-imaging of God, together with my friends...my brothers and sisters.

being more like jesus, to each other, as disciples, in love...not to be more christian, but more fully human...ragamuffins that we are.

2008-03-12T14:46:00.000-07:00

yep, i'm trying to hold all those ideas...together.

Last sunday the sermon was from matthew and the beattitudes. But the 'main point' that I took hit me hard. If we are truly like Christ, if we really do what the gospel commands, if we take it literally, then we will be "different". I think different is a pretty softened way to say that we will look like crazy people. On a retreat recently we were discussing business ethics and personal ethics (as I understand it, when this question was posed to me it was intended for "personal" to mean my Christian ethics). Basically, I was asked, can they exist together? and my problem is, why are there two separate sets of ethics?? and if we have two end goals (one being participation in the restorative work of God's kingdom, and the other being survival and even success in a dog eat dog world), how can we expect our "business" and "personal" ethics to jive???? Where in the gospel does it command us to make lots of money and a secure existence for ourselves...or our loved ones??? unless you hate your father and mother. yeah i know it sounds harsh. deal with it. but God forbid you try to rationalize or soften it.

I miss the voice of certain idealists in my life. I feel like with age (I know I'm still a young 23...but even in the last 2 years), I've heard a whole lot of good, sound, practical advice. and some days I really don't like the person I'm becoming as a result. sure I want to learn to be wise, but not at the expense of my vocation to love the Lord my God with all my heart and my neighbor as myself. I don't want to tame and twist the gospel so that it fits into the demands and duties and laws of this world. I want to see God's kingdom.

Just before graduating from loma my pastor took me on a walk around the block before church. He told me I was going to be looked at funny as I went away from this place, that the world would think I was weird (specifically in my interactions with people who are homeless)...I didn't like the conversation at the time. it felt like he was complimenting me for something I don't think merits praise....but that's not what he was doing at all. He was simply trying to tell me what Jesus' life displayed, what Lou was saying last sunday...Jesus was ridiculed and ostracized and eventually murdered, because he lived a quietly outrageous life. He didn't do as he was told or what he was expected. "if you go against the grain you'll get splinters". splinters?? we're afraid of splinters?? not prison, not poverty or homelessness or death....just a little social rub? the thought makes me sick, and yet, i'm guilty. i even try to think myself out of guilt by saying things like, "well, maybe it's more impacting for others to see quiet acts of love than for me to have a debate with them"...and i think this might be true, but when given the chance for a conversation, this thought is not a reason to dodge my responsibility to represent God's love.

last saturday i met a few new people and invited them to an art show my friend was in. it was in la in a place i'd never been. it was a late event and the way there was through dark alley ways and barely marked roads. So these guys i'd barely met actually made it and as we were talking the jokes started...about the gross hobos and bums and how they had to lock their doors and there was some homeless shelter or something right around the corner and what a crappy area we were in...and the general response was laughter between these 4 guys. I think they were pretty confused at my response. I just walked away. and in my head and heart i was infuriated and repulsed by them. and the posture of my heart toward them probably looked quite similar at the time to the way they felt about homeless people. and for that I am sorry.

I spent the next 2 days wrestling with what I should have done. On the way to church the next day i had a conversation out loud with them in my car and said all the things I should have said, about how homelessness can be and often is all the things that they said, gross and disgusting and smelly and scary...and therefore, it is absolutely not a point of comedy, but instead should cause our hearts to break and our lives to reach out. I wish i would have at least have had the courage to introduce another way of thinking than the one i'm sure they've been handed down their whole lives....instead of avoiding the social friction that might have caused a few splinters...for me or for them.

if you know me, you've probably noticed that i'm a pretty opinionated person. and i'm not sure when that happened. I hold strong positions on lots of issues....but I try to be respectful and understanding of the fact that those are not universal beliefs. sunday during second hour we talked about the abrasive Christian that has basically forgotten how to love because the point has become resistance instead of the point being love and Christ-likeness, which will often result in opposition, but should still come forth from love. I don't want a vegan bumper sticker. I don't want to scream at a group of guys about how wrong they are to dehumanize beautiful people who happen to live on the street, and no matter how many times i gently suggest an alternate shopping location, my family can get groceries from walmart if they really want to. BUT, am I too gentle??? did i miss an opportunity to help change what i believe to be absolutely false (but most likely ignorant) ideas about homelessness?

i want splinters. i don't want money. i want to value others' lives. i don't want comfort. i don't want prestige. i don't want to be socially polite. i want Jesus.

sodoku take two

2008-02-25T21:26:00.000-08:00

i got to hillcrest about 4 minutes late today...walked into a room full of anxiously awaiting smiles. it was the best feeling. i hear a million thank you's, and we laugh and have a good time...but it was such a tangible reminder to me that it matters to them. we played sodoku for reals...and i'm excited for a new series of games--movie trivia crosswords starting on friday. favorite movies in the group include grease, rain man, forest gump (oh geeze), and i spy. p.s. if anyone out in internet land has great ideas for fun games that somehow use memory throw a comment out.

sometimes i think i exhaust myself by trying to be profound. life is just beautiful. i ran at sunset tonight. i played a softball game with friends (we won). i'm going to drink hot chocolate as i walk to the video store. i had a hilarious conversation with my roommate about how he's practicing spanish by watching thunder cats in spanish (gatos de cosmos!!...imagine this being sung/yelled by a 6'4" giant man in plaid). I wished my grandma a happy birthday and talked about the beautiful weather with a friendly clerk at trader joes. Nothin fancy...nothing profound at first glance...just beautiful life.

Thanks God.

sodoku gone wrong.

2008-02-22T15:03:00.001-08:00

awesome day today. I've been doing new things lately, but we came back to sodoku today for Ron's sake. it's one of the games he really loves...i put it all up on the wall and had my markers ready...and soon realized i'd forgotten to write down some of the #s we needed to start with...which means there's really no way to solve it apart from guessing or sheer genius. I am not a genius, so after a long but fun 40 minutes of playing seriously we moved to a speed sodoku round of guessing and yelling and scribbled letters and laughing. i was exhausted after 4 minutes...and we didn't guess correctly...so i just collapsed on the ground laughing at our failed mess of blue and green numbers and lines on the wall...and it was great.

I've been overwhelmed with gratitude lately. and flooded with a sense of abundance in my life in relationships, joy, beauty, and daily provision. at hillcrest, work, home, church, and in solitude.

the Lord is my shepherd. I lack nothing.

Amen.

known, and loved.

2008-01-30T22:51:00.000-08:00

i wrote this email to a friend a while ago and never sent it...but i came across it today and it's still true...

have you ever sat in someone's office for 2 hours, talked back and forth about everything important in your life and theirs without any fear or censorship...and just let your wandering mind spill out of your mouth knowing that you were understood and loved? and felt so absolutely welcomed, appreciated, known and cared for...known for who you were as an immature, apathetic freshmen 5 and a half years ago; an obsessive compulsive, perfectionistic, competitive stress case 4 years ago; a frustrated, confused mess of questions about the world and God 3 years ago; an impassioned, driven senior in wonderment and in love with life; a lost, scared, homeless post graduate who isn't sure how to be happy or loving but just knows she's in need of love; and now as someone who's slowly figuring out life and finally seeing some congruency between thought and heart and action if only in small windows of life and seeing some beauty in the whole mess of it all...???? to sit in this man's office, surrounded by the presence of someone who has known your heart through so much pain, joy, struggle, triumph, fear, confusion, and peace is i think a very very microscopic piece of what it is to be known by my father in heaven. which is nuts! because it feels so huge...so tangibly real...and the whole world i live in today can be contained in the hole that remains when a single blade of grass is plucked out of the ground in heaven... As much as long beach really is becoming home...i haven't felt more at home in a quite a while than i did yesterday in an office filled from floor to ceiling (literally) with old books and the presence of a wonderful servant of God. to be encouraged...to have hard questions asked of me...to look into someone's eyes and know the question that's being asked without it actually ever being spoken...to have someone I have a respect for that I attempt but fail to explain, take such care with the things he says to me...to preface the truth that he's about to speak with "i don't feel the privilege to speak to very many people in this manner...." he considers it a privilege??? and to be trusted with his life...his family...his thoughts and wisdom! i want to learn to love like this man.

anyway...that's one story from my life lately...the rest involve a suspended bridge, stopping traffic, long talks with an old roomate as i drift to sleep, colors and music and dancing and a happy marriage for two friends...the beauty of the earth, rain that soaks your clothes, and baskets made by some villagers in oaxaca, mexico. ya know...the usual.

everyday i wake up is beautiful in a new way lately...not always happy or secure or really understandable...but beautiful (even if it takes me a few days going by to appreciate it).

simple wonders.

2008-01-15T09:14:00.000-08:00

with a million things on my heart lately and rising levels of anxiety about the future, my family, school....i retreated to a park by the water Sunday afternoon. I don't know how 5 hours went by. i never dozed off or anything...but it wasn't until the sun started to set and the air became cold that I thought, maybe i should walk those 2 miles back to my car now...
Amidst my questions and fears I saw God. In a little girl playing chase and laughing with her mom, bees moving from flower to flower at my eye level as I lay in the grass, the sound of the water against the rocks, the warm sun on my skin, the couple speaking to each other in German not far from me, the words I read in a book that seemed to give language to my own heart, the voice of my sister on the phone: "where are you?" "a park" "alone?" "yeah", "what's up?..." that's love. that's being able to respond, hearing what's never said, and desiring to be there with someone in their distress. I'm so grateful to have someone in my life who gets me like that...who knows what only someone who grew up alongside you could know.
:) i was struck the other day with a childhood memory. this is the typical series of events that would transpire whenever we would be sent to our rooms as punishment for fighting with each other: a maximum of about 5 minutes would pass before one of us would hear a tiny voice rising from the air vent in the floor. the other one would crawl over to the corner of her room, remove the metal box and through the shaft that connected our rooms we would tell each other we were sorry and we loved each other...I'm so grateful for my sister. she's been through what i've been through. she sees what i sometimes can't, we have seasons (some last years, some days) of trading off in our roles as nurturer, receiver, learner, teacher, voice of reason, and voice of idealism. and as different as we are...our souls are very much connected.

I saw God in the fact that time continues to move forward and all things always seem to rest in the hands of someone bigger than me. and as I let that time pass by me, I sat in wonder.

and then?????

2008-01-10T09:07:00.001-08:00

why are we always worried about the future??
couple of thoughts...a while ago i was in the office of one of the most influential people in my life. he was my pastor when I was 4 years old, my professor and pastor again during college, and now a dear friend. He's known my family's situation and has listened with love and patience as I shake my fists at God, find peace in some new bit of wisdom, and (recently) planted new seeds of direction to think about. with only that requirement, that I think about it. I live 1700 miles away from my family. and i'm the only one at Christmas who doesn't live within a 20 mile radius of my mom and gramma's house...mom, dad, and gramma's house. ahhhhhh. my gramma's been a nurse all of her life....and now she's my dad's care-taker...and it's visibly wearing on her. my mom works overtime just about every week of her life. my dad watches baseball and keeps life interesting for everyone else. and this past christmas home had my mind reeling with the question, why am I in california?
BUT!
I'm so happy here. i love my life....and when I go "home" to oklahoma, i don't feel like myself. I'm loved and accepted and appreciated...and i love my family. but I often can't talk about the issues i'm passionate about without eyes glazing over...no one wants to go for a run through a park...there isn't a population of need like the one i love to serve out here. I can't ride my bike to school and work....i can't get anywhere really without getting in a car...that's just due to distance...forget the crazy oklahoma weather. i'm a different person there...oddly enough home is no longer home...
the idea's in my head...and even if i don't really like it, I'll go where God leads. i've got a few years to let that one sink in i think...

i just spent a few hours searching for full time jobs. on idealist.com you pick categories of interest....i think my problem is i'm too interested. isn't there one category for homelessness/women's issues/children/education/green living/and mental health???? i graduate in may...so now I'm tossing back and forth weights on the grad school scale again. private school: integrated theology and psychology programs like rosemead and fuller that i would love to be in, but more time, more money, maybe closer to home so i wouldn't need to move again... public: less time, less money, ability to see the real world outside of my christian bubble....but i don't really think i've lived in a christian bubble since loma at all....hmmmmm.

for now, i'm a shrimp shack waitress. i live in a green house. i love the people i serve in my city. i'm trying to learn about empathy and compassion and share what i find with the world. i have beautiful friends who teach me how to love better everyday by the way that they love. home is a pretty relative concept at this point.

i'm at peace.

brothers

2007-12-17T22:49:00.000-08:00

sometimes i come up with crazy ideas for hillcrest...mostly because after doing this thing twice a week for 7 months i'm all out of creativity. so i just try to think of what i would want to do that would require some feat of memory. presidents of the united states and their political party? countries? us capitals? Jane didn't like any of these ideas today. :) i love that woman. she has permanent burns on her hand from smoking so much...flips the camera off and tells the slow wheelchairs to get the hell out of her way....and somehow all of it just makes everyone smile. so instead of memorizing the names and political affiliations of a bunch of old dead guys, we just talked for an hour. Jane's an amazing story teller, and has such a sarcastic sense of humor. she thinks her brother's "a crazy weirdo" for loving stupid horror movies like "kaw", but she loves him anyway. Michelle's brother is a three star general (or something like that) in the marines...but when he visits his little sister he's in street clothes like anybody else...and you could just see the affection she has for him in her eyes as she told us all about him.
I met ron's brother in law when i walked in today. Bartley (sweet name). Ron's excitement was overflowing as he mouthed something to me. I had to slow him down and finally made out "i'm getting my voice back". i was confused and looked at Bartley who explained to me that they were on their way to get a computer that will be mounted on Ron's wheelchair. He'll be able to type into it and it will speak for him. I can't begin to describe the joy in his eyes. I've watched this incredibly intelligent, conscious man work and work and persistently try to tell me so many things, participate in so many games and stories...and 4 out of 5 times he has to just give up and silently mouth "pass". i've felt that frustration with him in whatever limited way that someone who has her voice could attempt to understand. and now he'll be able to communicate with the rest of the world!!!! finally he can tell us what's going on at 90 mph inside his head. I'm at a loss for words...just crazy happy and grateful.

michelle

2007-12-07T13:27:00.000-08:00

There's this girl at COA...michelle. She's 24, mexican, long black hair, dark eyes (usually with smudged mascara and eyeliner hiding them), dresses a little provocatively. She cycles between extreme shyness where she won't look you in the eyes or seems afraid of you or talking super fast about something silly like how she likes my sweatshirt, or how she loves to drink milk. She was there the first few weeks I started back in June...and I still see her pretty consistently now.
There's this guy who started out with a stone cold face....well almost...basically anytime I tried to crack a joke or wish him a good morning he just rolled his eyes. Pretty well put together tall black man, maybe in his 40s. Always with a crisp new hat on...so after a while I started calling out the fact that he has so many hats. and he told me they're usually new everyday (don't ask me where he gets said hats). So instead of trying to be funny or nice, i just started excitedly proclaiming that day's hat color. Somehow we've become friends. :) Wednesday and today he was pretty talkative...which for him means "so is it getting too cold out there for you?" To which i replied, "too cold to bike at least...I've been driving down here..." (which I immediately regretted...translation: my spoiled little self doesn't feel like riding my $300 bike while wearing one of many sweatshirts I have to pick from, so instead I jump into my warm car...anyways, enough about me, where'd you sleep last night in the rain??....i always struggle with this...this desire to identify with these people instead of separating myself from them. Jesus was among them!!! Moved into the lives of those he served...i digress...)

Michelle overheard this conversation about bikes and cars and started sheepishly asking about my transportation habits....and eventually got the courage to ask, "do you think you could give me a ride to the village? It's real close but it's so cold I don't want to walk". She'd been hanging out up where we serve so the steam trays would warm her. After she asked me I hesitated...looked for an excuse...told her I usually stay until 8:30....stalled, and finally couldn't find any reason to say no...as long as she was cool with waiting until 8:30. We got in my car and as we drove off she informed me that the village doesn't open until 9. she wanted to know where I lived and if it was close...I was vague and said something like oh, it's only 10 minutes by car, 30 by bike...and this whole time I'm trying to figure out why I'm acting like such a scared little brat. She would have had to wait outside the doors so I offered to drop her off at a coffee shop, she asked me for a dime. I told her I'd give her everything in my wallet...knowing I had no more than $2 in change. Still I had no idea why i was being so reluctant....why i was avoiding giving her information...(society tells me I should be careful? watch my back? protect my stuff and worry about myself)...I had told her I had somewhere to be, but really, it was 8:30 and I didn't need to be at hillcrest till 10. so I parked and we went into the coffee shop together. She pulled out some pennies from her pocket...I told her not to worry about it. I ordered for her after she stood speechless at the counter for a while. One large hot chocolate and a small soy hot chocolate for me. I told them my name for the cups. I didn't even think about it...but she was really upset by this. she wanted her own name on her cup. what's funny is my name is michelle too...but SHELLY was all huge on her cup and I think it was mostly a sense of ownership that she wanted for that hot chocolate. who knows.
this is getting long....I'm just disturbed by my hesitancy through all of this. i kept my purse close...put it at my feet in the car instead of the console between us. didn't know what else to ask while we sat so after it got awkward I just tried to practice patience while holding my cup...she thought i was mad after a long pause, but i reassured her over and over that i was just quiet.
Jesus didn't withhold a damn thing. he wasn't afraid of being taken advantage of. he didn't care if someone stole his possessions...possessions were fluid...things are things and they have no real value. and while i'm worried about myself and my ego and whatever was going on inside of me, this girl is going on 7 months on the street or much more as far as I know. and as she says hello to a friend on the street and he eyeballs her and gives a crude, degrading response I have a feeling she's had it pretty rough out there...and her heart's very much in pain and she's been abused and mistreated and forgotten that she's a child of God. if she's ever known that. she has a brother and sister and mom and dad in new mexico. she took a greyhound out here 4 years ago. first to LA, then long beach. I don't know...don't know much at all. just wish she could go home for christmas...stay warm and dry and know that she's valued and loved. i don't know if a hot chocolate communicates love or helps to accomplish any of those things...but i hope the next time someone asks me for a ride 3 blocks away, 30 minutes of time, and a dime I don't wait so long to offer what I have.

so cold....

2007-12-03T00:30:00.000-08:00

i'm bundled in bed with two comfortors, fuzzy red socks, purple fleece pj pants (thanks gramma), and the hood pulled up on my sweatshirt. and as i read i try to figure out a way to have my hands inside the warmth of my blankets while still holding the book in a position that is conducive to...reading.
Scott saw Phoung outside walmart a few weeks ago with one shoe on. i have no deep meaningful thoughts...just worry and heartache for her. i sat in church today doodling a manger scene through a sermon on a topic i've heard discussed over and over and then something came through loud and clear. the world is not the way that it was intended to be. and Jesus' life gave us glimpses of the kingdom that will be restored. Phoung should be sleeping in a warm bed. Anita should be able to eat all the cookies she wants without needing to be fed. Ron was meant to laugh out loud with a full rich voice instead of his silent formation of words. my gramma should be jumping on a couch as she cheers on the sooners. my dad should be able to wrestle on the floor and play catch with his grandkids. i know this leads into a big debate on what heaven is and whether or not the sooners will be there...(my gramma says yes for what it's worth)...imagining all this hurts my heart. i think it's easy for me to take in all the suffering around me and just sit with it...it's sort of like sticky mud. you get stuck and it's miserable and you just want to escape but you can't because it covers you even as you try to walk away into your "normal" life of school and work. But something i was reading the other day painted a beautiful picture of the glimpses that Jesus offers.
Nouwen tells about his friend...
"who is so deeply connected to God that he can see joy where I expect only sadness. He travels much and meets countless people. When he returns home, I always expect him to tell me about the difficult economic situation of the countries he visited, about the great injustices he heard about, and the pain he has seen. but even though he is very aware of the great upheaval of the world, he seldom speaks of it. When he shares his experiences, he tells about he hidden joys he has discovered. He tells about a man, a woman, or a child who brought him hope and peace. He tells about little groups of people who are faithful to each other in the midst of all the turmoil. He tells about hte small wonders of God. At times I realize that I am disappointed because I want to hear "newspaper news," exciting and exhilarating stories that can be talked about among friends. but he never responds to my need for sensationalism, He keeps saying: "I saw something very small and very beatuiful, something that gave me much joy."

a few weeks ago at coa i was helping a woman get some new clothes and on my way back from showing her to the restroom i heard a beautiful stream of music coming down the stairs from an old beat up piano above. it wasn't the best playing i've ever heard...but in the place that it was in -surrounded by pain and weathered people from a weathered piano- it was heavenly. a few days ago at a christmas party anita and jane from hillcrest had some pretty outrageous make up on...lipstick on their teeth and mascara smudged all around their eyes...and they were gorgeous. and the activities were not spectacular and the gifts were humble...and love filled that place. at church today i had a very real moment of remembering my gramma. an older woman came up to a table i was at and straightened the table cloth with her elderly hands and tapped it gently just like my gramma would have done...it seems so silly, but she was there with me for a second as i closed my eyes.
it's these moments that keep me going. which is strange...i used to operate out of a need to see this horrific suffering eradicated. a desperate pain that needed to be removed...and when i realized that there was just more pain to be discovered i eventually burnt out and gave up in my heart and continued the work out of obligation or guilt. But when i accept that this world is broken...i can move on from there and take joy and find hope in those glimpses of the kingdom...not even a kingdom that will come...but moments when a bit of the kingdom is right here among us.
and these are the glimpses that lead me to wait with anticipation for Jesus and the restoration that is to come.

ashokan farewell

2007-11-09T17:01:00.001-08:00

i've been in a very solemn mood lately. this song surfaced among my pile of music and i can't stop playing it...

it's nice when your circumstances sort of determine your next step for you. i think i always have a responsibility to make choices in my life, but sometimes the next step or movement (reaching out) just seems so obvious. I'm moving inward a bit. which is odd given my constant disdain and frustration with what seems to be a habitual self-focused orientation. but it's not really that...it's more about knowing that i am than knowing i am good or noticed or attended to. just that i am here, whether i feel good or bad or lonely or giddy or lost or completely found...i can always know that i'm here.

today at coa i missed phoung. i feel such guilt despite all my efforts not to feel that way. i don't go so often anymore...i say school's picked up...but really, i'm just out late with friends and 6am's a little too early. but i never regret it when i do go. not once.
today there was one man who, when i plopped a ridiculous amount of eggs (we had lots left and it was almost 8) and 4 sausages on his plate, his eyes became enormously round. about 20 minutes later he walked up to the food line and said "i owe you guys an apology". i was taken back but just listened as he continued. he told me about how on the way here he was so hungry and he almost didn't come because he just knew he was going to be served a pathetic little bowl of bland oatmeal (not uncommon), and then he came, and now he can't even finish all the food he has. He said it was God's sense of humor. I just smiled and said you're welcome. Which felt weird, because i'm not the one that determines what's given or how much...but it still felt like the only thing to say really.

at church last sunday we were talking about blessings and the good life and the things we would have or the circumstances that would be in place if we were to consider ourselves living the good life. both the things we think are good and the things we know we expect but maybe shouldn't... As we were going around the circle I was hit pretty hard thinking about some of the people living out on the increasingly colder streets...sometimes the blessings they get and are so grateful for are nothing more than a hot cup of coffee, some eggs and the pizza crusts we had donated. i'm left humbled.

God bless Phoung and Will, wherever they are.

home

2007-11-03T00:53:00.000-07:00

this summer as a part of the internship we did a life-map. i came across mine the other day and laughed out loud because i had an identical moment of realization to the one i had when i first made this map. first, that I cannot predict my future, and secondly that i have no real ability to construct a permanently accurate picture of who i think i am.

When Kira explained the activity she stressed the fact that we were all pretty young...so our maps really shouldn't have even take up half of the page we had. I had 4 icons on mine, representing major events and locations in my life. A minivan (car accident), a pirate's hat (highschool), a greek amphitheater (PLNU), and the 405 freeway sign (the past year +). When i first made this I was shocked at the discrepancy between how I had recently been summarizing all of the important things in my life and the actual span of all the things that have made me who i am. Not to get too wrapped up in self-psychology and the narcissistic trends of today's culture...but in an effort to know myself...it was relieving to realize that I'm more than the past year's struggles/changes/hard lessons. AND to realize...i'm young!!! Not only is there more in the past that I tend to neglect...but PRAISE GOD there is a future that I do not know! I remember talking to lauren laforge (my world-traveling friend who among other adventures did semester at sea) about the Pacific Ocean. A few years ago, we were on campus at loma...staring at the water, and I was overwhelmed by the magnificence and massiveness of the ocean. Of course she contributed her greater understanding by telling me about her trip from the coast of california to vietnam...so i was further baffled by the distance beyond the horizon that i could not comprehend...and then i realized...i can only see the top!!!! That's how i feel about life right now.
i'll probably laugh yet again one day when I look back on Long Beach and grad school days. maybe i'll still be here, maybe I won't...but I can look back and know that God is good. and I don't have to know what's next...because I know God is good...and the road is beautiful...and the path is my home. and while I've had many homes and relationships change and concrete markers of my own identity come and go...I am a daughter, and a sister, and a friend...and I am part of the body of Christ. And that is good. and I can rest and be still in that.

this very simple, beautiful song often gets stuck in my head...

I've been searching and finding, there's nothing but searching, searching for something to fill...
And in all of my finding, I'm finding there's someone, who loves me to sit and be still.

I'm in love with a savior, who saves me to love me, and loves me to stay by His side.
And I love to sing all the songs of His goodness, I'll sing them the rest of my life.

I love how you know me, I love how you hold me...I love how you set me free.
I love your love. I love your love.

discriminate love.

2007-10-08T11:35:00.000-07:00

We just finished going through the book of Jonah at church. A few weeks were spent on God the rescuer...and God's merciful nature. A God who, if an evil nation repents and turns from their ways, will relent of the destruction that was intended for it. Yesterday's sermon focused on Jonah's attitude toward them. He didn't want God's mercy to be given to them, he wanted God's justice.

So we talked about our attitudes--whether we desire compassion and mercy to be poured out on all people, or if we are a little bit glad when an evil person finally gets what they deserve. But beyond the head (my attitude and thoughts about who deserves what), I'm convicted of my behavior. I want to help the poor. and in all honestly...unless I have a personal relationship with someone who happens to have money...my general attitude toward the rich is not very compassionate. I could justify this with the idea that they don't need help...they're self-sufficient so why would I waste my energy caring or finding out what their needs are? But there's less truth in that and more truth in the fact that I'm just not drawn to them or moved to care about them because I'm a little bit calloused and jaded.

Some of my early daydreams when I realized I wanted to be a psychologist set me in an office in La Jolla, wearing a tailored suit, charging $200/hr. Now I'm not sure I'm going to have clients who pay me. I'm pretty sure my checks will come from the government or some other obscure funding source. Speaking of La Jolla, the newspaper for a few days last week highlighted the landslide/sinkhole on Mt. Soledad Drive. multiple homes were completely lost, and peoples lives dramatically affected. and my response? "it's not like they don't have the money to rebuild." yep. cold-hearted. I used to babysit for 2 different families on that street. Rich young couples that I suddenly care less about because they have money???

Why didn't Jesus hang out with the rich like he did the poor? He told the rich to give away all they had and follow him. But does this justify my insensitivity? How did he treat the tax collectors? When I see a man in a suit I offer little more than a quick, courteous smile. But when I see someone in dirty clothes wandering the streets, my heart aches and I begin to pray. I KNOW the rich guy's got problems. Maybe he's got food to eat, but is he known and loved?? His problems are less obvious, but still real. Which demographic am I supposed to care about as a Christian? I'm pretty sure the answer is to love my neighbors. all of them.

Lord teach me to love indiscriminately. to value my brothers and sisters and to be the neighbor you've called me to be, instead of thinking I need to save up my energy by selectively choosing my neighbors...choosing who I deem worthy enough of my limited supply of love...let your everlasting love be given through me. Thank you for pouring out your grace and mercy so lavishly on all your children.

amen.

will the mountaineer

2007-09-27T20:46:00.000-07:00

As I was mixin grits wednesday morning scott came down the stairs and into the kitchen shouting out, "hey your friend's here". I've never seen Will look so put together. His goatee was trimmed, clean clothes. sober. I got to talk to him for about half an hour and we covered everything from the guy that walked up to him a few weeks ago and said "you don't belong in the sun, come live with me in my house" (PRAISE GOD!) to his family, to horticulture at LBCC, to San Jacinto's summit at sunrise. it was great to spend time with a friend, who is "finally out of the nightmare" that he'd been in for 2 years. Thank you Jesus.

a city of relationships

2007-09-24T21:15:00.000-07:00

funny that i've been reading articles all day (seriously since 9am to 9pm) about empathy and prosocial action...and at the same time I can look back over this single day and see the manifestations of this working in my life. I love it when my tedious research comes to life and gets me all jazzed about people. it's a little nerdy...but wonderfully rich and good.
I bumped into Will again today. He came to COA a long time ago pretty consistently and then just stopped. Susie and I have seen him over on 7th and pch, I saw him on 2nd street with my mom, and I had a very short conversation in the middle of an intersection by my house today as I rode to school. I've never met someone who so blatantly and hopelessly describes his life as a nightmare...and believed them. I invited him to come wednesday...he said he would. I've been talking to a mentor/friend lately about how this fellowship has affected the way I see the city. My response was very honestly, "I don't know how I see the city, but I know have relationships within it." Previous experiences with people who are homeless in a different city were very different. I was "friends" with a woman named Donna. What this meant is that I knew her name, maybe she'd remember mine for a week, and we'd have a little more than the standard "hello" interaction. and to be truthful, for that year, and maybe even now, it was more about my ego than loving her. I walked those same streets not that long ago and felt no connection to the people I passed on the street. I walked past probably 20 different people in sleeping bags and blankets in that same city...and I was sad that homelessness exists in the world, but I didn't even really feel much when Donna passed me and we had a quick exchange. I don't think she recognized or remembered me really, but was just surprised that someone knew her name. And then I thought about Phoung. I was suddenly moved to tears at the thought of my friend from Long Beach having to sleep on the streets. And it clicked inside. I don't go to COA at 6am when I'm exhausted because it's the right thing to do or someone's watching or so I can write about it on a blog or tell about it in church. Phoung's there. I hope and pray that Will's there. I want to see my friends if only for an hour...not because I think I can fix their problems with some food, but to let them know I care. I don't have much to offer...I don't know how to fix things for them or take them out of their nightmare, but I hope they feel noticed and loved and accepted and wanted. And without those relationships, I might as well be there for court ordered community service for a few weeks tops.
I care about a group of students downtown not because it's my duty to pray for a new nonprofit at my church, but because I know it's my friend's first day running this thing. and because he's my friend I want it to go well. and i want the relationships he builds to be formative and redeeming for the kids that are there.
I'm not sure how God's changing this city...but I know that my life is intertwined in a beautiful mess of relationships...and I have faith that those relationships are slowly changing the way that I live...
When asked "why have relationships with these people? what does that have to do with the kingdom of God at large?" my friend answered, "because by being in relationships with these people, I'm doing exactly the opposite of what today's culture says I should be doing with my time."
there's a long conversation in that alone, and I agree with that statement. I want to be compelling and different and counter cultural and when that's noticed--whether it's who I'm friends with, what I'm eating, what I'm driving or not driving, or where my time and money is spent, I want to be able to answer, at any given time when asked "why do you do that?" --"because I'm a Christian". too often I talk about social responsibility or environmentalism or simply say "i'm a volunteer". but that's not true. and merely "being counter cultural" isn't complete either. I love and serve a wonderful God, and I want to share that. I don't just want to give a hungry person food...I want them to realize that I care and be able to share why. Evangelism and compassion...I've seen that either can be empty practices. God teach us to keep these together.

praise God when I'm wrong

2007-09-15T23:37:00.000-07:00

So i've been missing my scheduled meetings at hillcrest a lot lately. I went while my mom visited...but labor day, a trip to see a friend and a broken car have caused me to miss about 4 in a row. I felt like a jerk Monday when I dialed the phone to let them know my car was in the shop. Lordes quickly told me they were going to San Clemente anyways and wouldn't be there. (big sigh of relief)...and then proceeded to ask how Susie, and Abigail, and Richie were...and to tell them that they are missed. and then she said that she loves us all. I guess some people don't love conditionally like I'm afraid they do. I wonder how much of that assumption exists in my mind because that's true of how I operate? Being loved like that, when there's no fear...of rejection, or disappointment, or failure...man that's empowering. It makes me want to be there everyday. quite the change from my recent attitude of obligation. THEN, at COA Han followed Susie out to her car because he "needed to talk to her". She was a little suspicious (he's made a few comments over the past few months). But despite her caution as to his approach, she let him walk her to her car...and he asked how I was...he thought I looked distressed about the whole car thing and wanted to know if there was any way he could help. I share Susie's perspective only because I thought the same things. even as she began the story I was worried with her, only to be blown away, and truly touched by his absolutely selfless concern. Jesus, take away our fears that lead to assumptions. There's this great section in a Nouwen book that explains the term Namaste...the holy one in me recognizes the holy one in you. Let this be true in our lives. I want to know what it means to look at Han and see Jesus.

living for the sake of next week's blog material?

2007-09-04T12:45:00.000-07:00

The fellowship's over. My obligation to these non profits is over...but praise God I've built relationships at Hillcrest and COA that will continue. But with the ending of the fellowship, I still have this blog...once a tool to inform my community about the work being done in their city through their church...now, my fear is that this is just another myspace. but instead of pretty pictures of myself and lists of attractive qualities and songs and movies that somehow create a profile of me to advertise to the world (insert sarcasm)...instead...I have stories. God please do not let the things shared here be a form of advertisement for myself. I pray that I would not use the people whose lives are unknowingly shared here as tools toward building my reputation or prestige. Keep me honest and humble Lord. Use the things shared here for greater purposes than my limited mind can even conceive. In all actions, all things I say, all things I think, let me first ask "does this bring love into the world?" "does my response to this person, my sharing of this story, or even my random thoughts create a community of love?" where friends, family and those reading this are spurred toward a life after Christ. I pray that they might join me in prayer, that they might share in the suffering that exists in this city, that we might all become more like you. and I thank you that that is a journey we are called to walk through together in love.

amen.

my socks loved off.

2007-08-06T09:35:00.001-07:00

a few days ago...after a LONG night at work (I'm a waitress) I slept in past my alarm and got to coa an hr late. and I'm so glad i didn't roll over and decide to just skip. Poung is so freakin loving. constantly tellin me to have a good day. each day. Poung is vietnamese, gender unknown...and that's okay. and constantly encourages me to get more sleep. take care of myself. "be happy and have good day. you have good day today, tomorrow and i see you wednesday. all week have good day." and means it. really really means it. and cares about each individual day that i'm going to wake up to. He/she also has a very diligent desire to learn the English language...so I spell words on one of many napkins Poung has saved in a shirt pocket and even spell my own name wrong so that the phonetics I know Poung's relying on won't be confused by my very not phonetically spelled name. I just can't imaging being in that place in life and having the energy and heart to wish a wonderful day of rest on someone who I know had a bed to sleep on last night...while I slept on concrete. I'm much too self-centered to be concerned about someone who's better off than me.
Oh lay me down again/here at your feet/show me how much you love humility/oh spirit be the one that leads me to/the humble heart of love I see in you/you are the God of the broken/friend of the weak/you wash the feet of the weary/defend the ones in need/I want to be like you Jesus/to have this heart in me/you are the God of the humble/you are the humble king.
There was a man at COA on Monday who was out of it. said he was groggy from sleeping pills. looked lost, needed lots of assistance just to sit down in a chair. i felt compelled...my heart was pulled towards his...even if only to pull his chair out for him and set down the hot cup of coffee. I turned back towards the food line after getting him situated and Susie had tears in her eyes (i love that girl's heart). She was right there in her heart with that man as he struggled. A few days later she was in San Diego with me visiting some of my college girlfriends and we were in Pacific Beach as a man in a wheel chair shuffled himself with his feet and limited arm strength across a street and up a sidewalk ramp...something we probably wouldn't have noticed so plainly a few months ago. I couldn't pinpoint his nationality, his age, socioeconomic status, or the mental disorder I'm pretty sure he has, but regardless, he was a man who was obviously physically struggling to make it up this curb...and from my car we watched him battle against his own limitations, the strain on his face and the second by second push that seemed at any second was just an instant away from failing and would sending him rolling backwards into a busy intersection. right at the point of greatest struggle this white, middle aged businessman was headed towards him from the other side of the street...and as he approached this man and the street corner..he just walked right on by. almost had to walk around the man in the wheelchair to make it to the same corner to stand next to the him and wait for about 3 minutes to wait for the next pedestrian signal. and so the two stood /sat next to each other while the lights changed. and I yelled inside the soundp roof (i hope) doors and windows of my car. I was angry at this man. This priest, this pharisee, who just passed the bloodied, bleeding man by in the ditch. careful not to dirty his holy robe on the pain and sweat and struggle of a man in need. I think of Bill at mid-city and the hugs I would give him, and the way I often had to hold my breath through the smell of those hugs..and the nagging knowledge that the smells were now passed onto me for the next few hours...I'M SUCH A BRAT. God let me be inconvenienced. let me enter into the dirty, painful, messy lives of those around me and see the Christ in them. Let me recognize and acknowledge our shared humanity and move forward from there to ask not "who is my neighbor", but instead try to understand how to be the neighbor.

"faith in action"

2007-08-05T14:28:00.000-07:00

this was the title of our WOW summer sunday school class this morning. Keslie, JoAnne and I took 15 5th graders to Hillcrest to give out door hangers we made and to sing songs with hand motions and pretty weird "kidstown" theology actually...
Anyway, I feel like my "continuing team" component of this internship has been kinda touch and go. The idea is for us to not just have a summer of gospel living and leave and go back to normal life later with this memory of a summer one time...but to both let that integrate into the daily fabric of my own life and to intentionally (in addition to coincidentally in my existing relationships) create a continuing team. My chosen team was "kids". this proved challenging. 2nd graders didn't get why we made cookies for the Cambodian congregation last week, they just want to eat the dang cookies. and even if Scott and Robert from COA came in person to explain their stories and church, sometimes I wonder if the kids just bring bags of donations because a flyer got sent home and mom and dad cleaned a closet out. Hopefully there are conversations happening at home as well...I'm pretty positive they are.
But today I feel like it sank in. We had all 5th graders...and they had fun making the door-hangers and singing the songs in the class. And then we drove to Hillcrest. I explained why these patients were here...that we needed to be quiet but we could be cheerful...teacher-ly things mostly. ~~I remember the first time i went to a convalescent hospital as a kid. I was freaked out. I didn't know what the smells were, why that lady kept squawking...truly squawking. why everyone looked so sad and depressed. and i knew it was a place i didn't want to stay at for any longer than I had to.~~ Today I watched kids goof off and play at church and then all this sudden become silent and scared and need to be prompted to say you're welcome when that woman in the robotic bed said thank you or told the little girls they looked pretty... But when we sang they came a little more alive. and when one man who was a little off his rocker (aren't we all) asked if he could sing to us and sang an old Sinatra tune they all applauded and relaxed a little and said thank you to him...and said hi to Anita and Ron, some of the MS patients I work with during the week. It was awesome to see that shift. To know that the past few months of prayers and planning and intentions to not just do something good but to change these kids' awareness and their attitudes to the marginalized of society was actually resulting in something. Instead of being taught to avoid people who look and smell weird and to not talk to strangers and never give money to the guy on the street corner, they're eyes are being opened just a little at a time...and I was privileged to witness that outbreaking of the kingdom today. Thank you Jesus.
I'm also realizing the significance of relationships in these moments. I think random acts of kindness can be a breath of fresh air for some of these patients and the workers there...but the relationship our church has, and that i have through working there twice a week is what made today possible. I even feel weird knowing I taught a sunday school class today and I honestly won't remember any of those kids names...it was a one time thing...and it was weird for one little boy to call me mrs. chelle later in the day...(for one i'm not married...and for two, how come you know my name kid??) I'm so grateful for the relationships I have at Hillcrest and I hope to have after this summer is over. I don't know the future after grad school (the reason I moved to Long Beach)...but I know that right now these people are my friends and I love them.

fun with the franklins

2007-07-28T23:46:00.000-07:00

today was serveday. we threw a carnival for Franklin Middle School. Chris and I have been volunteering there this summer as student aids...basically just hanging out with middle schoolers who are "at risk". Which means, some of these kids already have criminal records...and they're not even 14. We wanted to throw them a party that shows them that someone in the community cares about them...about their future and about their daily joy...that we're praying for them to have happiness and laughter in their lives, even if it's tough at home.
In the beginning I envisioned this giant event with clowns who could juggle...while on stilts. A dunk tank and balloon animals...we had none of that today...it was a humble carnival...with a few really bright shinning moments...a lot of smiles and laughter...and some dang good tacos. i'll blog more later when it's not 12am...but here are some pictures.

whoever loses his life for my sake...

2007-07-23T09:25:00.001-07:00

In the last 3 weeks I have been exposed to more stories of violence, assault, and destruction than the whole time I've lived in Long Beach. The truth of it is, I'm just having my eyes opened to what has been here always. Over by the rescue mission on Atlantic last week a 14 yr old boy was jumped and stabbed to death by a group of kids his age. They were in opposing Latino gangs here in the city, fighting about territory and who tagged what...the killer's mom drove him and his friends to do it and they're all on trial for murder now. A while back a guy from church was mugged walking to my friend's apartment. Someone tagged our garage here at my house. One of the cooks at work had his bike stolen right outside of the restaurant last night. A friend in San Diego had his phone and some money stolen, possessions of the church he interns at broken...all by a guy who they are trying to love and welcome into their lives and the church. And then this morning Enrique came into COA. He's usually there really early, but he came in around 6:30am. he had just been held at gunpoint while on his way to come volunteer. Volunteer. because the judge dismissed his case finally, no more community service...just on his way to help and be with friends. so at 5:30 in the morning two guys ask him for a cigarette, and as he's reaching for one to give them they pull out a gun, shove the cold barrel into his side and demand he give them his wallet. He pleads that they just take the money and let him keep his id, his papers...they take it the whole thing and run run off, but not before telling him that if he doesn't look the other way they'll kill him. he kept saying, it's not about they money (although I know $248 is significant for a guy like him), but just that he's glad he's okay and that his permanent residence papers to be in the US are at home. He said he was just waiting for the "pop" of the gun to go off in his side. It made me sick deep in my gut. Physically afraid. it reminded me of a movie where the victim closes their eyes and you hear a gun shot, and realize that some hero has saved the day and the gun that went off was pointed at the killer. Except it's not a movie. Enrique said "God forgive me, I'm gonna go get a little something myself...I don't want to go through that again". please no Jesus! I told him to be careful, told him I was glad he was alive...please don't let him give into fear and violence.
he was held up right outside my friend's house. on the sidewalk, right in front of his door. I've ridden my bike there, I've walked to and from bible study there late at night to my car a block away. I've driven down new streets here in long beach and realized I'm the only white person, that my widows are down and people are coming out of their front doors and I really shouldn't be there...but I leave my window down because I don't want to show fear or offend them in my assumption that they will hurt me. I don't know how to respond to all this. I know if my mom reads this I'll be getting phone calls cautioning me to walk with someone to my car, to lock all my doors, keep my widow up and go buy some mace. No. I want to live here. When Jesus says that whoever loses their life for his sake will save it...I think about it most often as a metaphor for the control I try to maintain in my relationships, finances, future...but i think it's a literal statement. I might die. I might be attacked. Maybe in my neighborhood, maybe on the campus of CSULB, maybe in the middle of Belmont Shores or some other nice neighborhood. And I don't know how to respond to these things. and I am afraid. But perfect love drives out fear. Love is not provoked. it's not reactionary, but springs forth from our faith that there is a King and a kingdom reality that we live in, and our hope for the Kindom's restoration. Love bears all, endures all, hopes in all. Love never fails. Josh Swanson preached yesterday on 1 Corinthians 13. He talked about the persistence of love...Oh God teach us to have compassion and mercy on those who attack us, who disrespect and violate our rights...Love is not concerned with our own rights. To love is not just a willing attitude that given x circumstance I will be willing to lose my life. If I truly love, I've already lost my life.

heal this city Jesus.

Santa Cruz

2007-07-17T21:57:00.000-07:00

Just got back from a weekend in Santa Cruz. We worked and talked and slept and ate a lot. And it all felt very normal. I guess it just felt like this was life...and that was nice. I've been on lots and lots of missions trips where you lose sleep and work hard and get burnt out. This was just life. A very good life.

when life meets work and you can't tell the difference.

2007-07-12T14:00:00.000-07:00

I work a lot. I know it. I deny it. Most days I truly don't feel it. But it does create this sort of life that has a tight agenda and a slightly fragile mental state at times for me. 40 hours a week I'm emotionally investing in others and/or sitting with God, processing with my fellow interns, and it's both draining and uplifting.

Then I come to work at my other two jobs and I get to goof off. Sometimes there's stressful rushes of work...but I think being a server has taught me to handle that well and to enjoy the energy of it all.

Then there's your personal life...which tends to be hard this last year...and very self-reflective for me. I've been surrounded by loving and supporting people at church, san diego, and my even my new roomate Taylor. I finally had the energy to call my family yesterdy...I'm learning that some people deserve more intentional energy on the phone than the common, casual conversation...and sometimes that means not talking so often about insignificant things. So I called my grandma, and realized quickly that she's in tears. Her car is broken down in Newcastle, 30 miles from home, my mom wasn't answering her phone, and she just found out our greyhound Lily has cancer. And she wouldn't hang up with me so I could call my mom at work until she let me know she loves me "very much, always have, always will". I know all grandmas and mom's love their granddaughters/daughters. but my family is so freaking amazing at showing it. I talked to my grandma again today. My sister and i have been planning on sending my mom and dad to a B&B that we know of that is totally handicap accessible for her birthday. My grandma asked my mom what she wanted, she said money for a plane ticket to come see me. I just started crying. I miss my family a lot.

ugh

2007-07-09T11:47:00.000-07:00

Hillcrest is really hard for me. I find myself watching the clock, trying to want to be there...

I feel pressure to create this wonderful, fun, interactive, helpful but still enjoyable program to help MS patients' memory. Oh wait, I'm not a miracle worker. (I'm a little sarcastic right now, forgive me).

I called my mom and got a great idea for this game. You tell a story with the words "right" and "left" in it and each time you say left or right everyone passes an object to the left and/or right. It's usually a white elephant exchange game at Christmas, but instead I made up a story about the "Wright" family and their trip to Yosemite, and instead of gifts I brought in a bunch of my camping gear and included all the items in the story.

It's really hard to create a program/activity for people who are often on opposite ends of the spectrum mentally and who are all slowly declining in their physical abilities. Something as easy as passing a flashlight is difficult to impossible for some of them. Despite help from other volutneers things dropped, the story got held up...etc. The fun part about this game (when it works) is that you're constantly going back and forth. (John Wright, and Billy Wright Left Right on time for the Wright family reunion). Well I realized this was a little difficult and frustrating for some, so I skipped over and ad libed parts of the story to eliminate some of this crazy passing (the actual fun part about the game). This means everything went much faster, and some parts of the story I simply deleted. Our 1 hr session that everyone is usually already 20 min late for was suddenly over in 15 minutes. Thank goodness for Jessie and her flute.

I have all these thoughts running through my mind...what if the story had been longer and more interesting and funnier. What if I had taken a creative writing class at some point in my 17years of education. What if I were funny. What if I had just asked a funny friend to help me. What if I hadn't waited until the last minute to plan this! Nouwen's words are flooding into my heart right now....scratch that...God is trying to whisper to me "you are worth more than the results of your efforts". But the hard part about that is, I'm not sure I'm entirely concerned about my worth...I want to help!!! I don't feel like I'm doing anything. I'm just wasting an hr of these patients' time to improve their memory. On top of that, the realist in me says, "their memory is slowly declining and will continue to do so". I can try to teach strategies for remembering things and make it practical for their daily lives...but they have 24hr care...they don't really need to remember anything on their own. Then I remember that I'm recieving compensation for this, and that money is going straight from the MS society back to Hope for Long Beach...but because of that $$ I feel like I can't just go in there and make people laugh...

What's funny is that just a few hours before 10am I felt great...like this was going to be a blast. I had props, I had visions of laughter and felt like this was easy but not boring...I knew that they loved guessing old songs last Monday, but I wanted to come up with something new, not just do the same thing each week.

Rewind: last Friday Michelle and Ron and Beverly played Boggle with me. I kinda felt the same way then...like it was just a dud. Ron came up with the occassional 5 letter word none of us saw like TULIP. This guy can barely talk and he was whipping my butt in Boggle. if only his mouth would catch up to his brain. Still I felt that I could have done more...and then this morning Michelle asked what the name of that game was. Despite the fact that she wasn't the greatest at it, she said she really enjoyed it. Looks like my attempts to determine whether or not the program I've created was fun or exciting are both unreliable and futile. Who cares!? me. that's the problem.

Jesus, help my unbelief. Maybe the miracle you desire has nothing to do with their brain circuitry. Maybe the miracle is in the friendships, the laughter, the relationships....you. Let me recieve your grace, but do not let that grace create a spirit of laziness. I want to work hard. I want to put time and energy and creativity into this...you've called me to that. Thank you for the patients at Hillcrest. For their willingness to have a 23 yr old that could be their grandchild tell them what to do, and for Anita and Lordis and Jane and their ability to light up the room with their wit and their humor. for Ruthie and Rockney and Michelle's gratitude and thankful spirits. for the people who have much more resilience and patience than I've acquired in my years and who spend thier lives with these patients every day.

The sermon at church was from 1 Corinthians 12 yesterday. The thing that we tend to do with that passage (most Christians today) is to pray to receive spiritual gifts. To recieve the gift of tongues, faith, healing, etc. We take quizzes and classes to determine which present we got or can win from Santa God. But the context of the passage is much different. The church in Corinth was writing to Paul concerning spiritual "things" (gifts isn't really the Greek word used) that were already in existence among the members of the body, to understand how to use these for the work of the Kingdom...they were not writing concerning things of the past that they desired to somehow acquire. It was later in the sermon when Pastor Lou was talking about charisma in particular that something he said hit me. Charisma is NOT received or possessed by the charismatic person. it is received by the person the charismatic individual acts towards. SO, any spiritual "gift" I have isn't really something I ever have or own. I'm merely the way or the middle person that God uses so that this spiritual "thing" might be used to bless another. Lord grant me understanding and humility, and patience with myself when I don't understand and when I am not humble.

Thank you for your truth.

Pasadena

2007-07-07T15:22:00.000-07:00

We drove up to Pasadena Thursday super early to visit Rudy and hear about Harambee. They are an organization that chose to move into a neighborhood that was once a "medieval fortress" for drugs and gang activity in Pasadena. 35 houses strategically surrounded a central point, a sort of headquarters for the BGF (black guerilla family). "cops just didn't enter". Over Rosco's Chicken and Waffles I tried to keep up with all that he was saying. He talked to us about racial reconciliation, what it means for him to be a Mexican man married to an African American woman living in this community with middle class white kids getting out of the front seat for him...knowing that the neighbors are all watching. Harambee is a Swahili word for "Let's get together and push". It's original meaning comes from Hindu Indians who worked in Kenya as slaves, but the people of Kenya made it their own and today in Kenya and Pasadena it stands for unity and purpose and fits well for this organization. 6 houses all in a row with no fences equals a giant back yard for kids to play basketball, run around, and serves as the location for the occasional Krumping competition. Basically they're there to live alongside people (John 1) and show that there is another way to live.
The thing that I was thinking while I was there was that when I visit places like this that seem to be so on target, places like the Alexandria House in LA, or Floresta in San Diego, or Restore International in India, or a semester for Creation Care in New Zealand. Places that impassion me and get me fired up...I have some really wonderful motives that I believe are placed in my heart by a loving and passionate God. and then there's this part of me that wants ownership over these things. Psychology research, classes and my own thoughts have been on motives for a really long time. Why do people engage in goodness? For whom? To what end?
Nouwen says:
we are not what we can conquer, but what is given to us....It is in solitude that we discover that being is more important than having and that we are worth more than the results of our efforts...To the degree that we have lost our dependence on this world, whatever world means--father, mother, children, career, success, or rewards--we can form a community of faith in which there is little to defend but much to share...when you are able to create a lonely place in the middle of your actions and concerns, your successes and failures slowly can lose some of their power over you. For then your love for this world can merge with a compassionate understanding of its illusions.

This means so much for me right now. To find solitude. To simply be. To not evaluate my worth based on the approval or admiration of others, or my productivity. One of the compliments I've received both in the far past and recently is "you know who you are". I don't know why but I've clung to this and given it value. I'm not exactly sure what people mean when they say that to me. but it makes me feel like I've got it all figured out. Like I'm living an admirable life that is noticed and I want to throw up as I type this. I don't mean to insult those giving the compliment, but as I examine my heart now I realize that the reason I value and remember this compliment above all others is because it sows seeds of pride. It makes ME feel good about MYSELF. I'm not Stiller...but lately I feel myself wanting to be. To have some sort of security and peace because "I know who I am".
God, examine me and know me. Test my thoughts and know my ways. See if there is anything offensive in me and lead me in the way everlasting.

feelin a little slow.

2007-07-03T17:12:00.001-07:00

I don't know how many times I've exhaled today but it felt like a lot...so far. Franklin kids can take the life right out of ya. Or I let them... I guess I'm realizing that I feel very welcomed, needed, listened to and appreciated by the people at COA and at Hillcrest...but 12 year old kids just want me to get out of their face. And I don't like holding "we're throwing you a carnival!" over their heads as a bribe to make them like/respect me. It feels gross.
I don't know how to reach these kids, I don't know if that should be my goal.
Susie and I have begun to bond over Nouwen...I like it.

singing and dancing to music

2007-07-02T17:16:00.000-07:00

I woke up today to a new location for COA...go figure it was at COA, now that Ice Cube is done filming a very important movie. We had waffles and coffee. I walked into a big hug from Susie and then she smiled and held up the coffee she brings me from home every monday wednesday and friday. with special creamer and sweetener of course. simple things can mean so much sometimes. we actually spent most of the morning talking to each other and loving each other...and this even continued on to the broadlind cafe for a post volunteer time breakfast of tea and bagels. I'm so overwhelmingly grateful for her. While at COA I sat and talked to Will. He was sunburnt from the hot weekend...there are so many things I don't even think of that affect someone without a home to shield them or money for sunscreen... He remembered that I had been gone for a wedding, asked how it went, and even recalled that I had played my violin there. It's such a wonderful surprise to realize that people really listen when I don't even remember talking...I want to become a better listener. So we went on and on about orchestras and bands and the 3 instruments he's played and Susie chimed in with her choir stories. Then I bumped into Fred, they guy who wanted coffee the other day. I don't know exactly why but my heart hurts for this man. He won't look you in the eyes. He looks down and almost hunches over as if he's afraid he'll be hurt by something hovering over him. We found the sugar he was asking for and I introduced myself and it was awkward and weird...but I hope I see him Wednesday. Then I sat down with Han, who was talking about data entry volunteering he did last week. I asked if he was pretty good on a keyboard and he looked me dead in the eye and said, "Well, I have a degree in computer science from USC...and now I suppose you want to know how I got here?" "only if you'd like to tell me" "they mixed up my immigration papers." my heart sank. He is the hardest worker. He stays everyday to help and he does the crappy jobs! he mops and wipes and does whatever he needs to just to make it on hand outs from the church, and he shouldn't even be here. Later on Scott turned on the radio and blasted "I hope you dance" Chef Enrique and I danced around the kitchen a bit...such a mixture of emotions all in one place.

Later at Hillcrest I had NO IDEA what I was going to do for MS Cognitive Exercise with Chelle Stephens (I'm on the official calendar...ye-ah!) But I ran home, grabbed my laptop and my violin, some closed toed shoes and scrambled out the door. We started with just 4 and had people coming in for the next hour and a half. It's only supposed to be for MS patients, and it's only supposed to last 1 hr. But it was a blast. We played oldies, folk music, and anything I happened to have (thanks dad) from 1950 to 1980...with the exception of one 199? Michael Bolton song. It's so cool to see how much each person celebrated when another person guessed the song or artist. We laughed and cheered and sang and even danced a little to John Denver. Then Jessie and I traded off on flute and violin. Ruthie and Angelo wouldn't leave. It was weird...I didn't have anywhere I HAD to be...but technically I was already almost an hour over...but they just thanked me and kept talking to me and asking me to repeat my name 5 times and it was wonderful and I didn't want to leave. To hear thank you from such a genuine place in their hearts. To see these patients laughing and enjoying something from their pasts. Dan came in and told me he used to play the fiddle...so I pulled out my music and played one last song, and then I got on the hospital's computer and found his music files for him and we turned down the lights listed to Bach's Concerto in E major together and sang along...it's entirely possible and beautiful to sit and sing along to classical music by the way.

It was a day filled with music...and it was beautiful.

bad attitude

2007-06-27T16:34:00.001-07:00

If there's one thing I don't like about non-profits it's their tendency to move towards rules and regulations for the sake of order and at the expense of the person they're purporting help. When everyone wants a pair of socks and we only have a limited number...rules come into play to keep people from taking two...or lying about the kid they don't have that needs a second pancake. I've been at COA enough times now that I recognize the faces and know when someone's sneaking back through the line for seconds. And for the most part I just look them in the eye (I suppose as some sort of subconscious power trip to let them know I know) and I give them another pancake anyways and say goodmorning with as much sincerity as I can muster. Because when it comes down to it, WHO CARES if they are cheating the system? It already sucks for them that there has to be a system in place just so they can eat. Today Guy tried to pull a very large man's plate away from him because he jumped back in line...and the next time he came into the line I plopped another pancake on for a grand total of 4. I'm not sure why. Walk 700 miles when they ask for 7 I guess. But in a wierd way I was also thinking, kill'em with kindness...how does that work?? Luckily the eruption that followed this incident was short lived. A community service worker came in before all this at about 6:20am (new guy I didn't recognize) wanting coffee. I did as I had been taught and told him we didn't open till 7:30 (I thought he was coming in to eat, not work). He had such a look of desperation for a cup of coffee. Once we all figured out he was working we were happy to give him a cup...and he said "every man and woman has a right to a cup of coffee". and I felt horrible for treating him like he was entitled to less if he was a guy off the street than if I knew he was there to do community service. I don't think Jesus was ever selective with who he was willing to be generous or kind to.

p.s. if you're reading this, I like conversations more than I like diaries.

first day with the Franklins

2007-06-26T17:18:00.000-07:00

I went to Franklin Middle School today for about 4 hours. Tough stuff. We started out (me and Chris) rearranging the letters on a bulletin board, dusting off and moving a filing cabinet...ya know, very meaningful jobs. I was getting discouraged, but suprisingly kept a good attitude about the prospect of being a teacher's aid/errand slave. Then we got to jump into some group discussions. Chris and I were talking to about 7 kids about positive thinking vs. negative thinking. Who controls their thinking...how our thoughts lead to action...thoughts=power and other very true, but very cliche ideas that this program was teaching them. and they all rolled their eyes and in various, um...colorful, but nonetheless unanimous ways said, "yeah right". they tried to explain to these two WHITE 20 somethings that we just don't get it. and we don't. i've never been beaten up and I've never really been tempted to beat anyone else up. although I'm sure a fight at Pt. Loma Naz. would have made headlines in the Point Weekly... I don't get where they're coming from and that makes it hard. We left with questions unresolved and probably some frustrated kids who are tired of being talked at about how to be good and followed and pressured by parole officers who are making sure that they don't do anything bad.
One interesting tangent in the conversation came about when one girl mentioned that she hates black people...for various reasons she had no problem listing off to all of her hispanic peers. I immediately questioned whether she realized she was talking about individuals as if all black people shared identical qualities...and asked whether she would make the same statement about her African American teacher were she sitting in our group instead of the other group directly behind us. She of course retracted her statement and said things like "some" and "most" black people are loud, cocky, etc. The real fun began when I asked her what she hates about white people. "I can't say"..."why not"..."because you're sitting right there". I told her I could take it and she proceded with a pretty good "air head" impersonation. Problem is, not all white girls are air heads. And the one Asian girl, who of course was a bit marginalized by an all hispanic group, and all hispanic class actually was more accurately identified by our group as Vietnamese. I remember last summer talking to the very wealthy boys I was babysitting on sunset cliffs that homeless people aren't scum (even if that's the term their dad used). They're people who happen to be homeless...but people first. my friend hanna's taught me over the past few years that if you look into peoples eyes, it absolutely changes your world...Christ lives in all of us...and it's AMAZING when you really get that.
I don't know if I'm helping here at Franklin or just frustrating a few of these kids towards further rebellion and trouble. It was definitely a first day. I hope the next few weeks can be more about compassion and listening and understanding....
It is encouraging to see the teachers and principals who care and have earned the respect that precedes a friendship with a lot of these kids.

COA and Hillcrest

2007-06-25T17:24:00.000-07:00

I started out the morning at COA. 6am came and went and we still had no breakfast, Susie, the guys and I were getting a little scared...possibly panicky. We finally got the eggs only to discover they were frozen and it was yet again "oatmeal day". The people we serve aren't particularly fond of oatmeal...but they take it with a smile when you really sincerely wish them a good morning along with a strong cup of very hot coffee.

I've learned a lot from "the guys" down there. Most of them live at COA and are recovering from something or just doing required community service. Enrique, or "chef Enrique Suave" as Susie and I like to call him, is such a cheerful man. He was talking to me today about his job before he was assigned community service. He was the managing chef down at the Hyatt Hotel. He's gone to 5 or so different culinary schools and took such joy in creating a beautiful feast for his guests. He remembers his dad's advice, treat people well and you'll be treated well in return. He used to put on monthly picinics for his emoployees...all food and drinks on him (but if they wanted any alcohol that was on them. ;) He won the Manager of the Year Award and had all of his employees on their feet...and all the other managers wanted to know how he did it. He jokes with Susie and I, and probably protects us just a little. He's got 2 kids and a sparkle in his eyes.
I was confronted with an issue today that I've always been frustrated with. I'm a girl. yep. secret's out. And this frustrates the heck out of the ministry I want to do. There were two incidents today that would have been much easier or non existent if I were simply a boy. I'm still working this out, but I'm grateful for "the guys" that are our brothers in Christ.

At Hillcrest an hour later I faced my fears. I was put in this position because I have a psychology background. But I feel SO unqualified and young to be working with these patients. MS is a weird thing...many times a person's mental capacities are completely in tact well past the time that their legs and arms and facial muscles lose control. So the last thing I want to do is walk in with some sort of patronizing solution for these people who I'm sure are frustrated every single day at their disease. I've done a little bit of research, hoping to have some sort of understanding...came across a few ideas. Remembering various objects by creating stories out of them rather than merely repeating lists. It was going okay. people were politely participating, but it felt like therapy...I felt like a teacher to a bunch of 35-55 year old, intelligent, charismatic, and at the time bored individuals. Lorda the nurse jumped in to play and came up with a ridiculous combination. and then the fun began...I wish I could remember the stories...but I can't...the point is we were all laughing hysterically. I realized that I was taking myself way too seriously. I had come to this with the idea that I had a solution to teach them...and who knows, maybe what I do will actually be useful...but regardless of whether it "works" or will someday be useful, it was wonderful to see a bunch of people really laughing together.